I think my now ex-boyfriend might have BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've told him many times that I feel like he is 2 different people. I started noticing that his emotions were always to the extreme. In love- completely in love. Angry- so angry and hurtful. Every emotion was this way for the most part. Sometimes he would try to control his anger but it never lasted long. I was blamed for everything. Sometimes he would come to a realization that he was in the wrong but sooner or later it would go back to being my fault. I've questioned myself so much throughout the last year. Our last argument started because I didnt get his joke and I commented "what does this mean" back to him when him and my best friend were commenting back and forth under my Instagram post, all in good fun. He texted me saying I'm stupid, embarrasing, telling me what to comment back so that I dont make him look dumb. I tried to be calm and logical with him. The next morning he cancelled our one-year anniversary get away plans and told me he doesnt feel good about us. He ended things saying that he feels like he's 2 different people and I deserve better. He took credit for the things that he caused to be bigger arguments than they need to be. Told me I've been responsible for 2% of arguments, him the rest. We cried a lot and told each other we love each other but ended things on the terms that being together again one day is our goal but there is no expectation. He kept saying he was "effed" and found a therapist that he's going to see. Our relationship started off amazing and so full of love. But quickly, only a month in, the red flags came out in so many unhealthy ways.
The night we ended on good terms, he sent angry texts to my phone about how I changed my profile picture and took him off my instagram stories. Next he was angry because I had a good conversation with his mom and at the end I asked her if he mentioned what happened between us. She said no and I didn't pry anymore. He was angry because his parents asked if he cheated and told me to never talk to his family again. I find out last night that he created a Tinder. We have only been broken up one week. He messages me in the morning, shaming me for un-archiving a bikini picture of myself from a year or so ago. Telling me I never change. I sent him a long message back saying I did it out of spike and I took it down because I dont want to have that look, called him out on the Tinder and how he said he was leaving to better himself but clearly was not, and to not contact me unless it was something neutral or nice to say. He then blocked me on everything.
I'm confused and keep blaming myself for things throughout the relationship. I have definitely done wrong but I also feel like he CANNOT let go of things. I read up on BPD and noticed a lot of similarities but also worry that maybe he is NPD. I'm looking for any opinions, words of support, what to expect going through this
On the outside everything looks perfect. Good job, responsible, lots of friends, charismatic, handsome, my dream guy. But inside our relationship was so unhealthy at times it hurts my heart that this is the same person. I feel like everything was a lie and he didn't actually love me like he said he did. Especially to make a Tinder so soon, yet try to make me feel bad about his pictures off of my social media. Its like he had to top what I did so thats what he did. Even in our conversation he blamed the Tinder on the fact that I took down my picture the same night we broke up.

[gggg]

I've told him many times that I feel like he is 2 different people. I started noticing that his emotions were always to the extreme. In love- completely in love. Angry- so angry and hurtful. Every emotion was this way for the most part. Sometimes he would try to control his anger but it never lasted long. I was blamed for everything. Sometimes he would come to a realization that he was in the wrong but sooner or later it would go back to being my fault. I've questioned myself so much throughout the last year. Our last argument started because I didnt get his joke and I commented "what does this mean" back to him when him and my best friend were commenting back and forth under my Instagram post, all in good fun. He texted me saying I'm stupid, embarrasing, telling me what to comment back so that I dont make him look dumb. I tried to be calm and logical with him. The next morning he cancelled our one-year anniversary get away plans and told me he doesnt feel good about us. He ended things saying that he feels like he's 2 different people and I deserve better. He took credit for the things that he caused to be bigger arguments than they need to be. Told me I've been responsible for 2% of arguments, him the rest. We cried a lot and told each other we love each other but ended things on the terms that being together again one day is our goal but there is no expectation. He kept saying he was "effed" and found a therapist that he's going to see. Our relationship started off amazing and so full of love. But quickly, only a month in, the red flags came out in so many unhealthy ways.
The night we ended on good terms, he sent angry texts to my phone about how I changed my profile picture and took him off my instagram stories. Next he was angry because I had a good conversation with his mom and at the end I asked her if he mentioned what happened between us. She said no and I didn't pry anymore. He was angry because his parents asked if he cheated and told me to never talk to his family again. I find out last night that he created a Tinder. We have only been broken up one week. He messages me in the morning, shaming me for un-archiving a bikini picture of myself from a year or so ago. Telling me I never change. I sent him a long message back saying I did it out of spike and I took it down because I dont want to have that look, called him out on the Tinder and how he said he was leaving to better himself but clearly was not, and to not contact me unless it was something neutral or nice to say. He then blocked me on everything.
I'm confused and keep blaming myself for things throughout the relationship. I have definitely done wrong but I also feel like he CANNOT let go of things. I read up on BPD and noticed a lot of similarities but also worry that maybe he is NPD. I'm looking for any opinions, words of support, what to expect going through this
On the outside everything looks perfect. Good job, responsible, lots of friends, charismatic, handsome, my dream guy. But inside our relationship was so unhealthy at times it hurts my heart that this is the same person. I feel like everything was a lie and he didn't actually love me like he said he did. Especially to make a Tinder so soon, yet try to make me feel bad about his pictures off of my social media. Its like he had to top what I did so thats what he did. Even in our conversation he blamed the Tinder on the fact that I took down my picture the same night we broke up.

[Cromwell]

Hi and welcome gggg

thanks for sharing I know this is an emotionally hard time to be going through.

I was wondering if you could share more about what happened after the first month (the red flags?) thanks.

I know it might not be a pleasant thing to be asked to recall, but the anger you describe from him - was it a sort of shock out of nowhere? or was it more of a build up of disagreements and started to build up gradually?

take care, best wishes.

[gggg]

Hi Cromwell,
It was mostly a shock. Then it continued to get worse.
Some red-flags:
-put me down and called me names over people who I had been with in the past - at 1/2 months of dating. Told me I have no standards, he's settling for me, that I'm 'tainted', he never thought he would be with someone like me, etc.
-I posted a picture of myself in a bikini. I kind of argued with him a little bit about it when he brought it up because I felt like I was being controlled. I came to my senses about it/respected it but he continued to tell me that I wasn't wife material, blew up my phone even when I was not responding by calling me names
-I would try to explain myself- why I did things in my past. I opened up to him and he would dismiss it and make me feel stupid for ever doing things I am ashamed of now. Shame me for things I was already not proud of.
-He had surprise plans for us one weekend and I didn't know they included Sunday. I brought up the idea of going somewhere Sunday together. He got really mad about the fact that I 'didn't care enough about his plans' to remember, I apologized so many times and felt horrible but I honestly didn't realize they were until sunday night. I remember he couldn't let it go. Threw papers, threatened to leave, called me names again, told me I was unappreciative, etc.
-Used the fact that I didn't offer to pay for dinner/split it on our first date against me a month or two later - feeding into his argument that I am unappreciative. Was very nasty about that.
-I went to a party with some people from college and he compared the group of people I was with to his college friends and how mine are superficial, told me he was settling for me, etc. I can't remember what he said exactly now but I remember leaving early because I was so stressed out and crying because of how bad he made me feel


Our arguments always made me feel like I had no voice and we couldn't meet in the middle at all until he calmed down. I felt like he was totally and completely in love, valued me, was level headed and could put arguments into perspective or was raging bad, couldn't let things go, would bring things up in the next argument, couldn't ever accept things completely or forgive completely. I was blamed for a lot of the issues. The last couple months things had gotten even worse. I felt like he was slipping away but then he would be his normal loving self again, reassuring me. The bads were getting worse and he would push me out more and more until the last argument where he took all the blame and broke up with me. Only to be nasty again towards me the same night and following week, then blocking me.

I dont know if he was unhappy with me the whole time and just trying to mold me into what he wanted. If he was happy in spurts and the bad was over emphasized by him. I dont understand what exactly was going on.

[once removed]

Our arguments always made me feel like I had no voice and we couldn't meet in the middle at all until he calmed down

this is often the case.

have you ever been in a mode where you couldnt be reasoned with, and once you calmed down, things were different? maybe you were even kind of embarrassed?

if you have bpd traits, it can take very little to reach that point, to go from 0-60.

even then, its not always as simple as our ex partners calming down. because some of what they think and feel is valid...some less so, and while it confuses us, it can confuse them even more.

my ex flipped out too when i changed my profile picture, and my relationship status. sometimes, even when youre the person initiating the breakup, it may be hard to totally let go, and thats often the case for our exes. it can be like every move you make is seen through the prism of some attack. its in your best interest to let the fights die, not fight back.

[Cromwell]

Hi Cromwell,
It was mostly a shock. Then it continued to get worse.
Some red-flags:
-put me down and called me names over people who I had been with in the past - at 1/2 months of dating. Told me I have no standards, he's settling for me, that I'm 'tainted', he never thought he would be with someone like me, etc.
-I posted a picture of myself in a bikini. I kind of argued with him a little bit about it when he brought it up because I felt like I was being controlled. I came to my senses about it/respected it but he continued to tell me that I wasn't wife material, blew up my phone even when I was not responding by calling me names
-I would try to explain myself- why I did things in my past. I opened up to him and he would dismiss it and make me feel stupid for ever doing things I am ashamed of now. Shame me for things I was already not proud of.
-He had surprise plans for us one weekend and I didn't know they included Sunday. I brought up the idea of going somewhere Sunday together. He got really mad about the fact that I 'didn't care enough about his plans' to remember, I apologized so many times and felt horrible but I honestly didn't realize they were until sunday night. I remember he couldn't let it go. Threw papers, threatened to leave, called me names again, told me I was unappreciative, etc.
-Used the fact that I didn't offer to pay for dinner/split it on our first date against me a month or two later - feeding into his argument that I am unappreciative. Was very nasty about that.
-I went to a party with some people from college and he compared the group of people I was with to his college friends and how mine are superficial, told me he was settling for me, etc. I can't remember what he said exactly now but I remember leaving early because I was so stressed out and crying because of how bad he made me feel


Our arguments always made me feel like I had no voice and we couldn't meet in the middle at all until he calmed down. I felt like he was totally and completely in love, valued me, was level headed and could put arguments into perspective or was raging bad, couldn't let things go, would bring things up in the next argument, couldn't ever accept things completely or forgive completely. I was blamed for a lot of the issues. The last couple months things had gotten even worse. I felt like he was slipping away but then he would be his normal loving self again, reassuring me. The bads were getting worse and he would push me out more and more until the last argument where he took all the blame and broke up with me. Only to be nasty again towards me the same night and following week, then blocking me.

I dont know if he was unhappy with me the whole time and just trying to mold me into what he wanted. If he was happy in spurts and the bad was over emphasized by him. I dont understand what exactly was going on.

Hi gggg

 I'm looking for any opinions, words of support, what to expect going through this

well there is no such "pathway" of going through "this", it has to be a sole journey, individual, there is guidance and advice but thats up to you to pick and choose, you are and must be your own master in the end. or its just cloning.

we are all different here and what im trying to guage is picking out from this, what does gggg really want - is it to vent a bit or is there a wish, implicit or explicit.

like so many other stories here, you read it and left wondering "how can I help?" "am i supposed to help?"

and its fine if this is just vent, I did plenty, I was 3 years with the bpd/narcissistic/egocentric b1tch and she devalued me, so I closed the door didnt say bye and what worse can "so called scum" do, than to show a complete disinterest and create a narcissistic insult. youd actually change the past, because the story evolves, his way of trying to control backfires - by insulting you and staying with you - its you leaving that is the greater insult. but youd have to keep the door closed to make that work and i reckon most dont have the mettle to do just that.

i did but it took me 3 years to get disappointed, p!ssed off enough and started to find websites and forums, when you start doing that its already a sign of sorts, the death-knell of the relationship, its just waiting for that little extra shove because still not sure.

i mean you said yourself, numerous times, "i dont understand", "im confused", "i dont know"

my answer to that is - why is it so important to understand, what do you want to know and most importantly why do you need to know?

the guy has been a jerk, what more is there to say?

[gggg]

Hey Cromwell,
Yeah I guess I just wanted to hear that others have been through similar situations and how it ended for them. I know I shouldn't but I do want him back in the future. I keep blaming myself so much for my parts in the relationship that I messed up. But at the same time I know things could have been different if HE reacted differently and accepted my apologies.
I do want to help him still. But I can't if I'm blocked and not his girlfriend anymore. I think I want to understand what's going through his head more so that I can take some of this blame off of myself. I feel like I'm alone in my feelings and the guy I was with for a year doesn't remember a thing. How could he take the blame and open up about where he's at mentally and then continue to be nasty to me the following week.
I know I need to let go and I'm trying to. I keep thinking about the things he's told me when he was angry and wishing that I was different, which I know is backwards. Is there anything to expect when going through a breakup with someone with BPD? How do I release guilt for my wrongdoings? His reactions were so strong it made me feel horrible about myself.

[Cromwell]

Hi gggg

Our arguments always made me feel like I had no voice and we couldn't meet in the middle at all until he calmed down.

How do I release guilt for my wrongdoings? His reactions were so strong it made me feel horrible about myself.

it sounds like you might have tried to but decided not to?

is this horrible feeling part of the sort of fear, nausea, walking on eggshells stuff. The guy maybe has never hit the other partner in the relationship but theres still this sort of "fear" in the air, so to speak?

[gggg]

I always tried to voice my opinion and speak my mind on things but it would always go in circles when he gets in that manic state of anger it seemed like. Sometimes he would calm down and apologize first but if he's in that state of anger nothing can calm him down until he's ready.
He never hit me but yes, there were times where I felt like it was a possibility. But not because I couldnt see him actually doing it. But still yes, the thought would cross my mind.

[Cromwell]

horrible situation to be faced with gggg, the items being thrown around, the mania, the tantrums. addons: the dissapointment? the heatbreak?  to witness it play out, disenchantment?

The bads were getting worse and he would push me out more and more until the last argument where he took all the blame and broke up with me. Only to be nasty again towards me the same night and following week, then blocking me.

I dont know if he was unhappy with me the whole time and just trying to mold me into what he wanted.

sounds like quite a bit about this guy that you just simply "dont know" whats going on - what he wants, why he behaves in xy,z, the tantrums, the sorrys, the devaluation out of apparent no-where. you dont know but youd like to know sort of thing?

it comes across that maybe he wanted to mold you, but I get the impression in the circumstances that started to arise, you didnt want to lose the relationship and may have changed how you would have otherwise behaved more towards keeping him happy, stopping a tantrum, so on?

hows your voice doing, it sounds like its making a comeback