Getting a Divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I told her that I want a divorce last night and we are both very sad.  To be expected, it's been some very angry exchanges. Some full rages. Some reflection and acknowledgement (So many mixed emotions as any self-reflection from her makes me think I've made this up and forget instances that I've noticed traits of BPD).

Lots of tears and awkward interactions.  Some smiles, some happy memories. It's hard to admit and agree that we both want to give up on the last bits of hope.  Hard to know when the talk or conversation is productive. What do we do.  I've prepared for this in many ways for the past 4 weeks, but it's still much harder then imagined. 

Looking for any words of wisdom, encouragement, or support during this difficult time.  I appreciate all the resources that this community provides.  Thank you.

[Concern4mywife20]

I told her that I want a divorce last night and we are both very sad.  To be expected, it's been some very angry exchanges. Some full rages. Some reflection and acknowledgement (So many mixed emotions as any self-reflection from her makes me think I've made this up and forget instances that I've noticed traits of BPD).

Lots of tears and awkward interactions.  Some smiles, some happy memories. It's hard to admit and agree that we both want to give up on the last bits of hope.  Hard to know when the talk or conversation is productive. What do we do.  I've prepared for this in many ways for the past 4 weeks, but it's still much harder then imagined. 

Looking for any words of wisdom, encouragement, or support during this difficult time.  I appreciate all the resources that this community provides.  Thank you.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s not going to be easy. You have to look at the long view. You know what the current experience yields. Imagine what you want your future to look like. 

[PearlsBefore]

Whether it's ultimately going to prove true or not, it sounds like you're both in a place that it might be helpful if you make it clear you're not giving up on HER, you're giving up on the RELATIONSHIP. It may help her cope with the feelings of abandonment and depression arising from all of this, if she thinks it's a transition to a different type of relationship with you...one in which she's not in your house, but she might still be able to phone you or once a year you go to a favorite theme park or something together. It sounds like it's going pretty well so far, though I know it can obviously be heartbreaking for both of you to declare it's "over". Don't focus too much on the "traits of BPD", they're negative behaviors that you find stressful and you're not able to cope with or help her overcome...they don't need to come with a label at this particular moment.

[livednlearned]

It's critical to keep the 30,000 foot view. People with BPD can get lost in the weeds and if you are feeling beaten down, it's tempting to get down there with her.

She is on a frightening emotional roller coaster. It takes a lot of strength to not get on there with her. Remaining grounded is the key to winding things down without making things worse, even if she is bound and determined to get you on the coaster with her.

Boundaries are going to be essential in the days and weeks ahead, as is remaining clear about your goals.

[Concern4mywife20]

Thank you all for the advice and support.  Things thus far have been going well and we are proceeding with an amicable mediated divorce, so far. 

There have been multiple instances where she has stated that maybe we will get back together if we are "still single when we are 40" or maybe we can go camping together with a group in a year or so.  I mostly keep quite and just keep proceeding forward.  I'm very thankful that the divorce is mutual that we don't have kids and that I have an opportunity to get out of this relationship as long as I can just stay disciplined over the next 3 months. 

Thank you all,

[CoherentMoose]

Thank you for the update.  Nice to hear progress. CoMo