Need to get emotionally stronger

[Beachtime]

How do you handle sudden unexpected rages in your pwbpd? I was caught off guard and stayed calm and did not argue back but I feel devastated emotionally. I guess the trigger was me asking him how he was but I’m really not sure. It’s like he planned or needed to vent or explode at someone and I walked right into it. I feel so disappointed at myself for not being emotionally more strong and confident. I ended up feeling scared and crying each time he raged at me. I hate that I am not strong and that I cry when I get upset or scared by this behavior. I finally got some distance by going outside and sort of pretend calling someone so he would stop. This happened to me, his mom, a few times in the past few days. It has happened in the past few years too. My yawpbd is on Christmas vacation and was planning on staying with us. I was really looking forward to his visit. He was only here at home for a few days and after his last rage at me on Christmas day he suddenly decided not to stay here because we are “too boring”. He went to be with his friends who party a lot and their families who are not boring like us, according to my son. That is fine with me. But his things are here and he will be back before he travels to his home in another state. I am still feeling very shaken up by the rages and feel like crying. I love my son so much, but I am his easy target and have been for a few years. I wasn’t expecting this and feel so sad.  I have always loved and supported him. I can’t even explain how much this hurts and how sad I am. How do I get emotionally stronger and not so devastated by this behavior? I need a thicker skin I guess. I thought I was prepared for this and read up on bpd but i sort of froze. My yawbpd never seems upset or sorry after raging at me. Any insights or advice is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

The people here understand what you are going through and your pain, disappointment and fear. I think you are being too hard on yourself about reacting as you did. From what you say, the abuse came out of the blue and to be honest I think you are in a state of shock. This is what it is like often when you try to communicate with a loved one with BPD. Most of the time now I don't initiate a conversation or comment. But I can still get caught so easily - BPD d might initiate a conversation and I respond; she responds then at my next response all hell breaks loose!

The more you can understand BPD the less often your emotions get torn apart. If you read others' posts here you will see you are not alone in having to deal with abuse and blaming. The other thing is that my BPD d seems to have a huge talent for saying the most hurtful things possible during one of these rages - I can't believe what I am hearing sometimes.

When things are calm and I can read up more on this illness I am able to keep in mind that this is a very serious mental illness - and we are having to deal with this when we are the ones who are most emotionally attached to the person abusing us.

It is good to cry I think - to let the emotions be soothed. Be kind to yourself and join those here who are dealing with a similar situation to yourself.

[Beachtime]

Sancho, Thank you so much for your reply. It helps to feel understood and to not feel so alone with this. I really thought I was prepared and would not be so shaken up if this happened, and I thought I had a good understanding of radical acceptance and kept my expectations really low. I tried using so many tools on this site. I think he wanted to (or needed to?) explode, to be really mean, to someone and he knew he could do this to me when no one was around. He can be so nice and charming to his peers and to their parents.  Sometimes I wonder if the term bpd/pd is sometimes also an excuse or justification for accepting or tolerating mean hurtful behaviors. It just really hurts.