Does she had Borderline?

[Marcello]

Hi everyone, I want to tell you my story to find out if my ex had borderline.

To get to know:

We met on the internet almost 11 years ago, she was very fond of me and really wanted to get to know and meet me. I hesitated for a while because I was more of the shy type at the time. She was beautiful and I could hardly believe my luck. We talked on the phone and webcam - often for hours into the night. You could talk to her about anything and laugh at any stupid joke. After about 3 months I grabbed my courage and met her, we went for a walk and had a drink, and you could tell that we harmonized very well. I talked about the fact that my grandma passed away recently and my mother had mental health problems at the time, which bothered me very much. I was embarrassed at first, but it fascinated her and also talked about physical problems that her uncle had. I felt very welcomed because at that point I couldn't talk to anyone about it like she did.

So we met for the next few weeks and I was with her often. After about two weeks we also had the first sex, the sex was amazing, we sometimes had 10 times a day ...
After sex I asked her if she was using contraception and she told me she was on the pill. But it turned out differently. She became pregnant after 2 months. In the aftermath, I believe that she deliberately discontinued it? No idea. She drove to your mother who lived in another city, she turned her away and didn't want to know anything about her. She then went to her grandparents, who were like her real parents to her and supported her. She came back and we decided together for the child. We were very naive back then, admittedly :-), but we took responsibility for the child and looked for a common apartment. At this point we gave notice to our own apartments because they were too small. We had a lot of apartment visits, but unfortunately no promises, so there were always minor arguments, where she ran away and no longer spoke to me. One evening I was with her (we still had about 1 month to find a suitable apartment) I leafed through a brochure and looked at furniture, she was suddenly furious and threw at my head why I was looking at furniture and us But she had other problems like no money and no apartment, she was full of hate and put words into my mouth that weren't right, that I don't want the child at all, etc. and threw myself out. I no longer had an apartment or a wife and had to move back to my mother, I howled in front of my boss who first gave me a few days off.
She moved in with her grandparents and broke off contact completely, all attempts to talk to her failed.
After about 1.5 months she got in touch and we were in contact again, her condition was that I look for an apartment so that she could come back. We also met a couple of times. So I did and we both moved into our apartment and our daughter was born.

Middle part:

This early period was quite harmonious, but then there were always arguments. For example, there was a huge row from her when I wanted to buy a lamp (financially) or when I wanted to study for my exam and asked her to give me some time to learn that she could do something with our daughter or go for a walk etc. Our daughter was a child who liked to scream for a long time (colic). My partner always felt rejected, although I didn't mean it that way. At that time she got panic attacks and hardly went out. I encouraged her to go into therapy and she got it back on track to some extent. What has always surprised me and never understood that the therapist's recommendation was that my partner should separate from me, the reason was that I would not do anything with my daughter. And that my partner always sacrifices herself for her friends etc. and does not think about herself, she is also allowed to say no. At the time, I was a bit busy professionally, but that wasn't true. I did something with my daughter as often as possible, of course the early days were still a bit tedious because she screamed so often (she had colic) and because you didn't have any friends who had children of their own.

Your history:

At some point she told me about her story, her father had sexually abused her, her mother was probably there during sex too. The mother was beaten unconscious by him in front of her eyes when she was 3 or 4 years old. Your father was very violent and they fled from him, so you grew up partly with your grandparents, with whom she had very good contact to this day. The father was deported at some point because he was probably much different from Drogene trade etc.
She cut herself when she was young and was in 2 or 3 therapies. She told me that during this time she also believed in demons, spent half a year in a dark room and slept with a knife under the pillow. However, she never told me about a diagnosis. She was probably taking antidepressants at the time. I thought it was terrible but I supported them and I thought nothing more about it, as many young people have certain psychological problems.

Turning point:

Time passed, we moved into a better, more beautiful apartment. But our daughter got very sick and had to fight severe pneumonia again and again, it was a difficult time for all of us, we thought we would lose her. She was sick for almost two years and very often in the hospital for a long time. This also brought us apart in terms of relationships, as this time was associated with a lot of stress.

Back to the partner

What struck me again and again is that she sometimes withdrew in the event of minor quarrels or differences of opinion. For example, I had to stop the car and she had to get out. Or she locked herself in the bathroom without a light, I asked what was going on and if she wanted to talk, she always said I should leave her alone. You couldn't get rid of an argument with her or talk about it afterwards, it was also often the case that she kept silent about me for days. But that didn't bother me at the time, I knew her like that and everything was fine again. But she was never loud, rather introverted.
We were on vacation once, when she had a phase like that and had to get out of the car. I called after her but she ran away stubbornly, then I drove on but realized that I can't leave her alone in a strange city. Her smartphone was off, I found her at some point, she was full of tears and was mad at me why I left her alone.

Our first daughter was now 4 and we decided to have a second child.
One day I went on a trip with my brother, mother and daughter. My partner called me and asked where I was, I told her that I was going on a trip, she said I should come straight home and got angry and suddenly threatened me to take pills and kill herself, she was pregnant at the time too . I told her that I am 50 km away and that she shouldn't make any nonsense and what the whole thing should be. I became very different, she ended the call and turned off her smartphone. I couldn't handle the situation at all and was in shock. I didn't go straight home, but ended the trip early and then drove to her. She pretended that nothing had happened and accused me of why I didn't come straight away. I found myself taking on more and more guilty feelings.
There was still this situation that a woman spoke to me in a department store who collected donations. I talked to the woman about the donation project, my partner went on furiously, later she told me that I wanted something from the woman.

Our second daughter was born. The first half year was very nice, but the little one demanded a lot from us. We handed her over to care very early on because my partner wanted to go back to work. I was then alone with the children in the morning, my partner started to work very early. In a nutshell: For two years I dressed the children every morning, brought breakfast to kindergarten and had a screaming auto-aggressive child for 1–2 hours. We have tried everything imaginable to clarify psychological / physiological / autism / Asperger's. In retrospect, I believe that we handed them in too early because their caregiver (mother) was missing in the morning.

During this time I was getting worse mentally and especially physically and asked my partner to give me a few hours to myself once or twice a week. But then it always came to an argument. I didn't even get 1 hour a week from her at home by myself, she got this negative behavior again, as if I no longer love her, she said that in the meantime in front of the children "comes children Dad doesn't feel like it "if she is shortly before the door in 2 weeks.

I ran from doctor to doctor, got breathlessness and couldn't even walk 5 steps. I even got breathlessness when speaking and had to take breaks. Palpitations, burning in the limbs, etc. The whole range. In retrospect, I had burnout, a complete breakdown of my body.

Nevertheless, I did a lot with the children on weekends and during the week only in the hope that I would have time for myself. But there was more and more argument.

In August 2018, her grandmother, who was actually her mother, diedr was. Since then something has broken in her and she has continued to change.

The End:

The COVID year.
This year there were again more arguments. And I noticed in her a certain negative way of describing badly, she was sometimes cold then warm again. It shuttled back and forth.
On vacation she didn't pay any attention to me and it kept coming up with derogatory comments. I put together a birthday present for her, she didn't say thank you, thought the card was ridiculous. At some point I came to my personal limits. At that moment I left without a word and thought to myself why I let all this be done to me. I came back after an hour, of course she wasn't enthusiastic about it. The comments got uglier and uglier, and then I went back alone and often thought about us. The evening before leaving, I pronounced the separation. It didn't feel good at all and I actually wanted to force a rethink, but nothing came from her.
Back from vacation, it wasn't clear at first how it would go on, I withdrew.
She wrote to me that then her father broke her and since then her soul has been destroyed and now I have broken her. Suddenly she assumed I was cheating on her because I drove off alone in the evening and I couldn't talk to her anymore. The craziest things happened. I phoned a work colleague, she assumed I would call my bitch on the phone. I tried to convince her otherwise she didn't believe me or came up with something else. She hung up new pictures of us. In the evening I saw her laughing and crying at the same time on the floor in the living room. I asked her what's going on, it looked like she was going through her trauma from childhood, she couldn't wake up, it went on for several minutes. Puking everything up, I cleaned everything up. No thanks nothing. Talked to her how to go on, she wants to move out, I tell her not to do that. Suddenly you feel like a different person, as if I don't know you anymore? Goes to work in the morning and comes back 10 minutes later with tearful eyes and locks himself in the room. Then I spoke to her because she wanted to move out because of the money saved on her account. Suddenly she transfers everything to me and says that my only concern is the money. I transfer half back to her, then suddenly she wants the whole hero, she had a lawyer clarify. Hate me, write to her that she has already left me once, she doesn't write that stupid a second time.

She found a house nearby, is like a completely different person. I sit here crying every day, thinking about what I did wrong. And miss the old me I've never been through such grief. Made me feel bad in front of all friends, would have kicked her out of the apartment and left her alone.

Then she wrote me a few weeks ago that we shouldn't let the goal go. I ask her what she mean by that? Is it about them? Then she writes no it was never about her, it concerns both of us ... I ask her what she means by that, she write forget it. Since then we have argued again via WhatsApp. Finally, sir writes to me that she was co-dependent on me and how much she is now valued.

I think about her a lot and still don't understand.


Here are a few more properties

I was mostly the culprit in the arguments
Bad family image of mother, father, aunt, uncle
Bad sense of time (it always had to be up to her, from two hours she made four etc.)
No communication in previous disputes
Bad confidence
I'm the one to blame, everything is negative
Everything is just negative
Devalues ​​the whole relationship, everything they had to endure and they didn't want any of that
Did nothing to save the relationship
Always said I love you more when I told her I love her






thanks

[Cat Familiar]

She very clearly is an emotionally difficult person. Whether or not it’s BPD or other psychiatric issues is difficult to say.

Here’s an article that might be helpful  https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/what-borderline-personality-disorder

Keep reading here and posting more about your story. You say you’ve broken up. How often do you see her? Who has custody of the kids?

[Marcello]

Hello Cat Familiar, thanks for your answer. I've been dealing with the topic since the separation in August / October.

We have joint custody and I see my ex 1-2 times a week when the children are handed over. But we don't talk to each other or it's only about the children's handover issues.
We have a 50/50% rule so that the children are with her for 1 week and with me for a week. She is a great mother, I have no objection to that.

It is exactly as it is often described and devalues ​​my (supposed) weaknesses. She told everyone that I broke up with her, that I was forcing her out of the apartment, that I was cheating on her, that I was accusing her of wanting to kill our children (during the argument, I told her that she wanted to take pills at the time, see story above). I have to be in such a bad light that I have no contact with anyone. She plays the victim and I am the perpetrator, this is so sick.

I have been in therapy (psychoanalysis) myself for 2 months and work on a lot from my own past and the relationship. I had also a bad childhood. I was beaten as a child by my mother and my three older brothers. My father did beat my older brothers.  I have low self-esteem (although I always had pretty girlfriends) and I have very strong fear of loss of all kinds (be it death / separation or something like that).
I told her about the therapy and told her that my father used to hit us too.
When there was an argument and I accused her that her grandpa would now pay her everything, she told me so hatefully whether my boss (who offered support to me because of the situation) would hit me like my father would. i just shook my head. I don't think she even knew what she said.

I can't finish it properly because all of this has not yet been processed properly. There are so many questions but no answers. I can't understand that a relationship is thrown away so easily, afterwards it seems to me that it wasn't really love.

She always wanted to get married and was always frustrated that I never propose to her. I am a divorced child myself and I did not find it necessary to get married. But I had several moments that were right and when I wanted to ask her, she got nervous and the moment didn't seem right to her. Later she kept accusing me of being glad that she didn't marry me, as bad as I was to her.

I recently placed an online ad looking for fathers or mothers with children to make friends. She saw the ad (however she found it) and made a fool of me for sinking like this. But then she deleted her text on Whatsapp. I haven't let myself down to their level.
I've read Borderliners can't feel positive feelings, they have to get them reflected by their environment or their partner. They can create negative feelings but maybe this is the reason?

I now have the feeling that two traumatized people found each other to get the chance to heal but didn't make it. (traumatic bonding)

[ForeverDad]

There is so much you wrote - and so much to comment about.  I will limit myself to a few particulars, but be assured that what you have experienced is so very similar to what others here have suffered and endured.

Whether she has Borderline or some other acting-out personality disorder is, in a sense, moot.  Courts usually don't care what's wrong with the litigants before them, they deal with the parents as they are.  You already know you can't fix her.  Court won't try to fix her.  But at least court can step up as The Authority and issue a court order and subsequent decisions to set limits (boundaries) to at least some of the poor behaviors.

You would do well if you follow the court's lead, deal with the documented poor behaviors.  Ignore the "he always..." or "she always.." which are so vague that court will ignore them as unsupported hearsay.  Keep a diary, calendar, journal or log which you can refer to later to recall the details of specific incidents.  That is documentation and courts are more likely to accept accounts with specific details such as dates, locations, who was present, what happened, etc.

She found a house nearby, is like a completely different person.

BPD is more evident inside the close relationship.  Now that you're separated of course she may seem less triggered, less messed up.  But she is not recovered.  We can guarantee that if you got back together the chaos, insanity, demands, ultimatums, rants and rages would resume.  BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships... and the closer you are the more evident it is.  The only exception might be if she started meaningful and long term therapy (such as DBT) where she was making real progress toward recovery.

I sit here crying every day, thinking about what I did wrong.

You can wallow in misery, what ifs and dashed dreams - we all did at first - but it's not productive nor helpful.  Then it was what it was.  Now it is what it is.  Can you see that it's about time you became proactive, finding skills and solutions, and started moving forward?

We have a 50/50% rule so that the children are with her for 1 week and with me for a week.

My ex had temp custody during our separation and divorce, over two years.  The divorce final decree raised me to equal time.  The Custody evaluator recommended spitting the week so we used a 2-2-3 (or 2-2-5-5) schedule where one of us had Mon-Tue overnights, the other had Wed-Thu overnights and the three overnight weekend was alternated.  He stated younger children (under ten) do better with the shorter visits.  Years later when I told my lawyer I wanted fewer (high conflict) exchanges and was pondering a change to alternate weeks, he asked, "Do you want court to think your son will do better with longer visits with his mother?"

Let me be clear, alternate weeks is not bad, hopefully it will succeed in your situation.  I was just explaining how my schedules worked out.

She is a great mother...

This requires a change of perspective.  How so?  What if your ex later seeks to get majority time and cites all the times you've praised her?  Frankly, society thinks that is normal if a mother gets majority time.  (I will post what happened to me below to illustrate my point.)  If you are always thinking and saying, "She is a great mother" then you are weakening your own position.  Well, unless she says you're a great father... does she?

My point is that you know she has serious issues.  Sure, you both have issues, but don't you acknowledge hers are more serious?  It's enough for the marriage to fail, right?  And enough for you to be glad you have equal time, right?  So ponder this concept... she may be great feeding and caring for the kids but her perceptions and perspectives will increasingly impact the children as they grow older and want increasing independence normal to all children.  Think back, did she try to control and dictate your life when you were together?  With you less in her life, won't she be inclined to do similarly with the children as they grow up?  That's why I say it's wise for you not to call her a great mother.  She has very serious issues and those will negatively impact her parenting and a variety of ways, more than you currently imagine.

Now my story...

I had a two year divorce, the last step before the trial was scheduled was a Settlement Conference in my lawyer's conference room.  I recall beforehand, while in my lawyer's office, her lawyer came in, sat down and started talking, just the 3 of us.  One of the things he said was that he himself was divorced and he had alternate weekends (same as what I had during my temporary orders).  He suggested that as something to agree with.  I said, "Sure, sounds good to me but I don't think Ms FD wants alternate weekends."   He was quiet after that.

By the way, that was one of the few times in my life where I had a wonderful answer at the right time.  I savored the moment.

[formflier]

 

So sorry you have gone through all this and I want to commend you for starting to do you work with your therapist.  There are good things down that road.  Please keep it up!

I used to worry about "the exact diagnosis" that was right for my pwBPD...that's a very common thing for people to be interested in as they begin to understand  or "see" the dysfunction they have been living with.

Over time I suspect you will shift from being interested in diagnosis and focusing on behavior and better responses to what you experience.

Nothing wrong with where you are...please realize this is a journey...and a marathon. 

We can run this race with you!

Best,

FF