Seeking advice

[ClaudiaLondon]

My dil has not been diagnosed with BPD, but she seems to have some of the traitss. She is very manipulative and has constant complaints against almost everyone in the family, but particularly me, my other son & daughter. She was so aggressive in complaining I wasn't doing enough for her after she had a baby that my son grew to be very critical, resentful and angry with me. Then it grew into constant criticism of me and my other son and daughter. Then she began making up lies claiming different members of the family had said or done hurtful things to her. I know for sure that they are lies. Most of the time, no one told my son what she was doing b/c we didn't want to interfere in their relationship, but it did get to the point that we showed him a couple of texts to prove someone's innocence. She has always been hyper emotional (she is proud of this) and will cry for hours over very small things. Now she cries over things that she falsely claims others have said to her, and my son gets very angry at us for upsetting her (even though it is all made up, either didn't actually happened or something innocent was twisted by her). This got to the point that there was a huge fight every time we saw them. Now, my son doesn't talk to any of us at all and we can't see him or our granddaughter. He is loyal to his wife, as he should be, and we don't want to interfere with his marriage, so I don't think there is anything we can do. I am very concerned though b/c she treats him very badly sometimes (although other times she treats him really well) and he is not allowed to see most of his friends, so he has little, if any, support. She is extremely manipulative & a master at twisting words and actions to make her look like the victim. Also, she is a compulsive shopper, so there is a money concern as well. She can come off as very nice, but seems to cause the damage at home (although she did have probs at work as well). She has a strong need for praise and breaks down when things don't go exactly like she planned. We are heartbroken and don't know what to do. We went from being very close to my son to him really disliking us. We don't want to make things worse for our son & want to do what is best for him & our granddaughter. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi Claudialondon,
Thanks for reminding me that the lies are coming.  My step daughter is also suspected BPD.  She also just had a baby (#2) a year ago.  I keep telling my husband that lies about us are coming next and he says "don't be paranoid."

The problem is my mother is also BPD'd and I know that is what happens next.  It's like watching a movie...I keep thinking I've already seen this movie!

Regarding your son.  You have almost perfectly described what happened in my mother and father's marriage, when they were young.  She complained about not getting enough help from his family (MIL specifically), her husband took her side, and they moved half way across the country.  My Mom has pretty much isolated my Dad from having friends most of his life.  But, there was a silver lining, they had 6 kids and we are all very close to my Dad.  Mom may have had the where with all to keep him from other male bonding scenarios, but I have never met anyone so close to their Dad as my three brothers.  I am also very close to my Dad (I am also the physically closest to them now and we see him often). 

I think before thinking this will all be gloom and doom, remember that borderlines can be very charming.  While my Mom started fights with most close family members (I can remember my grandmother, my Dad's mom, being cut off for about 3 years), they Fear abandonment most.  Almost always, they will reconcile with those people.  I think if anything, putting your own hurt aside and thinking about your grandkids, would be most helpful.

In my own personal experience, that is who suffers the most.

I remember talking to my grandmother before she passed and bringing up my Mom's abuse.  Literally, she had no memory of it (or pretended not to remember).  Time will heal all wounds, but because borderline mothers are so unpredictable, remember to always give the grandkids that extra support, cause they really need it.

My grandmother used to sneak over even when "disowned" and hug me and tell me I was a good girl, my Mom never knew this. Those where extremely powerful moments, that I recalled when having bad times later, in college.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you sound like a strong person with clarity, and I know you'll figure out how to navigate it.  It's just that you are currently in shock and mourning the loss of a DIL you wish you'd had.

 

b

[ClaudiaLondon]

Thanks. Very helpful. I can see that what you said is very true & I musn't forget that my granddaughter is vulnerable. I had forgotten that b/c she is young now & her mother seems devoted to her now, but that may not last. Thank-you for your encouragement.

[beatricex]

Hi again Claudialondon,

You said "she has a strong need for praise and breaks down when things don't go exactly like she planned."

You hit the nail on the head here.  All you really have to do is flatter your DIL...tell her you think she's a good Mom (she is sometimes, it's just she's going to be really inconsistent at it).  Can you think of something/anything else to praise her about?

Maybe just the fact that she's fiercely loyal?  I don't know but suspect that she wants to put this behind her as much if not more than you do.  When I was about 15 I realized I was the adult and my Mom the kid.  It's really not that hard to "take the high road,"  I mean you can complain all you want to your husband and your friends, but you're not going to change her, and it's up to you to adapt. 

Let me know how it goes.
b

[ClaudiaLondon]

I do heap on the praise frequently over things she seems to be seeking it for, but you just stated the obvious, which I somehow didn't think of, ie. her parenting. She kind of asks for praise when she wants it by showing off something she has bought or done, but for some strange reason, I missed that really she has been asking for it for her mothering. I could kick myself now. I will try that when I get the opportunity. I can't call her though because we have all realized that there must be witnesses when any of us interact with her or she makes up things we said or twists it so we look bad. I will have to wait for the opportunity. I don't know why I needed that pointed out to me. Seems so obvious now, but I did feel like I was on the defense before b/c she was criticizing me constantly. Maybe that was why. Thanks.