Hi there

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi there
I have a daughter who, is 23 and has just last year been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. I am trying to help but feel that I cannot say anything right as what ever I do say is twisted into something it’s not. We had an episode today and I am pretty good at keeping calm, however, it spiralled out of control when she said something about my previous parenting and growing up with a mother who was drunk all the time. This was not true, although, I did drink I was never drunk all the time and not when she got home from school. Anyway suffice to say I have changed ALOT over the years and now hardly ever drink and have lost a lot of weight, practice meditation, and am usually calm and centred. Today I feel like I failed as I got really upset and angry. Apparently I didn’t notice that she was upset and needed to speak to me. She had been fine five minutes before when I said good morning to her...or was she just masking her emotions. It escalated from there as I went to do my own thing not knowing she wanted to speak to me as she never mentioned she did...do I have to be a mind reader as well. Can anyone help with strategies for keeping calm when she is having one of her episodes.

[Tinkerbellgirl]

Hi there
I have a daughter who, is 23 and has just last year been diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. I am trying to help but feel that I cannot say anything right as what ever I do say is twisted into something it’s not. We had an episode today and I am pretty good at keeping calm, however, it spiralled out of control when she said something about my previous parenting and growing up with a mother who was drunk all the time. This was not true, although, I did drink I was never drunk all the time and not when she got home from school. Anyway suffice to say I have changed ALOT over the years and now hardly ever drink and have lost a lot of weight, practice meditation, and am usually calm and centred. Today I feel like I failed as I got really upset and angry. Apparently I didn’t notice that she was upset and needed to speak to me. She had been fine five minutes before when I said good morning to her...or was she just masking her emotions. It escalated from there as I went to do my own thing not knowing she wanted to speak to me as she never mentioned she did...do I have to be a mind reader as well. Can anyone help with strategies for keeping calm when she is having one of her episodes.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi there! What you describe is pretty typical of BPD and it is hard not to take the things they say personally and want to justify ourselves from the hurtful and often either exaggerated or incorrect statement that they hurl at us.

You seem to have come a long way and your practises will surely help you staying calm in these times.

There are many things you can learn about how to understand BPD here and also skills that you can use. The most important thing is to look after yourself, which you seem to be doing - congratulations on that effort!

How did the scenario you describe end up?

[Sancho]

 . . . forgot to say - please don't feel you have failed because you got upset and angry. We are entitled to have our emotional responses too - and it can be part of someone else learning that there are consequences for what they say.

Be kind to yourself. It sounds as though you are doing really well!