She seems now to have totally accepted the need to get help

[Andy1963]

I cannot stress enough how much i love and appreciate every comment and input you all have given me, its absolutely vital.
So, an update
If i could have mapped a path for us that would have been acceptable to me( apart from NYE when we had a glitch)then i can honestly say i could not have chosen anything better
She seems now to have totally accepted the need to get help and keeps stressing that she cannot lose me again
Its actually quite surreal because i truly believed we were over forever, totally and completely

This has completely flummoxed me
So , time will tell, I'm completely aware of the dangers
And will act at the first sign
Its bizarre though as apart from one glitch, its going well, too well maybe

[grumpydonut]

Here if you need, Andy. Hoping it goes well, but guard your heart.

[once removed]

So , time will tell, I'm completely aware of the dangers
And will act at the first sign
Its bizarre though as apart from one glitch, its going well, too well maybe

dont wing it, Andy. breakups and makeups successively damage a relationship. there is a lot of damage already there.

why not post on the Bettering board, come up with a solid game plan on how to approach this very differently rather than just dive back in without support?

[B53]

Andy,
I am in a similar situation. I was progressing with detaching and then faced with a decision. He has been dedicated to therapy and doing DBT for six months.He is high functioning/ hermit and has never cheated. I have agreed to give it another try, but my thoughts have continuously jumped back and forth from there is chance for success to am I crazy, he really hurt me. It has been hard sorting through my emotions. As of yet we have only communicated through email. I have been searching out therapists to help with the transition. My feeling  is that boundaries and reasonable  expectations need to be put in place first . For example, quitting therapy is a dealbreaker. I know that will be harder to do once I see him again. What I am working on now is to look forward, not back, being thoughtful and caring, while holding on to perspective and self worth. No matter how much better he is, he will always have BPD and it would probably be impossible for it not to come out every now and then. I need to have the coping tools when this happens.

One thing I think is important, is that she wants to get better for her, not to get you back. That she is committed to therapy whether you get back together or not. If she understands that with therapy she will feel less internal conflict and she will live a much happier life with or with you, it could give her a reason, why it could be worth it. She could find a peace that she has never felt before and life in general could be so much better.

Lastly, you have to be able to do what you need to do, if/ when boundaries are crossed, if not you will be back to where you were before, with her running the show and ultimately it will not work.
Good luck. We will both need it!
B53

[Andy1963]

There's absolutely no doubt she needs help.
Now, so far things have been really good, but, I can sense the instability and skewed perception coming in from time to time.
She is full on telling me that I am the love of her life and that she wont make the same mistakes again
No progress on Therapy so far but that's down to Covid and delays in general
I'm seeing a lot of things from a completely different perspective now
This is primarily due to the time I spent apart from her and the insight gained on here
I'm tuned to the slightest change in her mood, not that there has been anything major, just a few mild glitches
I am concerned though not to be too over sensitive to things
Even in a 'normal' relationship there are difficulties and differences of opinion
Its how they are handled which is different
I've deliberately held back from a full blown relationship and have stayed away from her family and friends for now
I know if when when this ends I will be able to deal with everything much better
The main issue is my lack of trust in what she says
I am aware of how fickle she can be, so whilst she is pouring it on telling me how much she loves me, I don't really buy it
Although she has been very affectionate and her actions so far seem to reflect what she says
I'm staying alert though and time will tell...

[B53]

Andy,
If you are serious about trying to make this work, there is an online class you can take, if it’s offered in your area.  I think there is a waiting list. I applied and waiting till they get back to me.

Family Connections NEA
                                      BPD
fc@neabpd.org

I hope you are keeping it together. If she only knew how much better she would feel with therapy.  Maybe you could take a DBT course together. It is supposedly helpful for everyone. Maybe if she thought it was something to do as a couple she might be more willing.

Best of luck,
B53