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Author Topic: I know what to do, but don't want to...  (Read 349 times)
shoehorn81
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
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« on: January 17, 2021, 04:20:53 PM »

To make a very long story short, I've been in two marriage relationships.  My first ended after 15 years and 5 children.  My  then wife turned to over the counter pills and alcohol 7 years into the marriage. (She had been sexually abused as a child.)  Being devoutly Christian, she was a closet drunk and addict.  Trying to live one life outside our home, when reality was going on in our home.  In the divorce I gained custody of the 5 children, (now, 21, 18, 16, 13, and 6).  Just prior to our divorce I turned to the Lord like I have never done and felt an overwhelming feeling that the marriage needed to end, and someone else would be put in my path. Seven years ago the Lord delivered.
She was 37 at the time, no kids, no ex, no baggage, full career.  I thought this must be too good to be true.  I don't deserve a fresh start like this.  We dated and had an instant connection.  The chemistry was unbelievable. Were married just over a year later.  The marriage was great at first.  I was working on me, trying to become a better person and father, trying to help my children understand the divorce, their mother, the whys..., trying to do it all so I wouldn't overburden my new wife.  That didn't work so well.
She needed to know her place and I needed to give her a place.  So I let go.  This is when the control started appearing.  My wife is very structured and organized, almost to a fault.  I would say OCD, but there is this uncleanliness aspect to her.  She would buy bins and put items in bins, then those bins in bigger containers, and those containers in yet larger containers.  However, she couldn't pick up after herself and if she did it seemed to be only half way.  She'd set expectations in our home for my children; laundry on this day, rotating chores, phones out of rooms, internet usage, church, prayer, I mean that is all good.  It really is.  The problem was that no one could step out of bounds. If someone tried to do their laundry on a day other than theirs she would take the laundry and hide it.  If I tried to empty the dishwasher and it was one of my children's turns she would put all the clean dishes back into the dishwasher.  If kids, or I didn't do what was expected (not even asked) to do she would take keys, phones, the internet modem, my wallet, personal belonging.  We wouldn't even realize the things were missing until we went to use them.  We would beg, plead, get angry, retaliate, just anything to get the belongings back.  She would take, wouldn't tell why, and wouldn't give an indication of what we had to do to get the things back.  Most of the time I had to search the house for things because she would hide them.  It was always our fault for not doing what was expected, and the expectations changed all the time.
Example: I was working on my MS degree.  When midterms or finals would approach and papers needed to be written on research she would disable our internet for days.  It got to the point that I would either work on my degree after midnight, or while at work so she couldn't interfere with it.  The kicker, after I finished my degree, she urged me to get a PhD. 
When things would get heated between us, I would tend to walk away.  She would follow.  One time I got in my car and drove 10 miles away.  She followed me in her car the entire time, walked behind me into to Walmart, and then started accusations in front of everyone. I've been accused of having an affair with our prior baby sitter, been accused of trying to get back with my ex when I read self help books to help me and my relationship with my wife.  Been accused of wanting my ex when my wife and I are intimate.  All of this I've tried to overlook, though for sure I must be to blame.
During our nearly 7 years of marriage we have had two children of our own. When the first was born my wife left for the weekend.  Didn't tell me where she was going or when she would be back.  Just left me with the baby.  I blamed in on postpartum.  She came back of course, and I didn't judge her, just hugged her deeply when she came through the door. She's kicked holes in the walls, broken several cupboard doors, our glass top range, the oven glass door, smashed several pans, broken a counter top, drove recklessly with my 13 year old in the car (who called me from my wife's phone terrified).  Again, all my fault and postpartum.
Recently the aggression has increased.  She kicked my 6 year old across the floor when my daughter accidently tripped my wife.  She's yelled at and tossed our 10 month old son. When my 18 year old was 1, she fell off a bathroom counter onto her head cracking her scull.  I had a physician look at her and was told it would heal, that baby's heads were soft and could absorb impacts like this.  It was the strangest thing, a jagged hole in the front of her head.  It did heal and she is completely fine.  Fast forward and last weekend I notice the same thing on my 10 month old. The back of his head was swollen and I could feel the round break.  You know, I'd blow this off as an accident, but but with the past agression...
She's thrown meals in the trash because we don't thank her or someone is not hungry.  She'll get in what I call "tunnel rages" where she almost blacks out when attacking someone. I've had neighbors and friends tell me I don't deserve to be treated like I am.
Last week I spoke to a therapist about it all.  The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" book was mentioned.  I read it in a day.  I had no idea what BPD was until that point.  Everything was my fault, I truly was starting to believe this. If I would just bend, give, do what she wanted everything would be ok, but it was never enough.  She would set rules, boundaries, structure and expect everyone to follow.  Everyone, but her. She was an exception.  The book is written about my wife perfectly.  I've highlighted over 1/2 of it. I'm still in shock, and it is so revitalizing knowing that I am not the problem and have a right to how I feel. I've told her I think she has severe high functioning BPD.  Looking back, even at the time we were dating I can see the signs of it now.  This week things are worse.  Since I have learned about BPD, I am the one that has it, I am the narcissist, the one with all the problems, the one to blame 100%.  She even went so far last week as to tell me "I don't know how you got me to say that" when I mentioned something she said.
Today I put my attorney on retainer, tried explaining how I felt, tried listening to the lies and blame coming from my wife.  Then turned my phone off when she did a 180 and went nice and tried to apologize with no sincerity, still pointing the fingers. I love my wife, I really do. I love it when she is vulnerable.  When her true self comes out.  I hate the actions and behaviors.  I was told, pick out the truths, validate, hold firm, set boundaries.  But, I just don't have the energy, and worry about our safety.  I can't ask for suggestions, but yet I am.  I need to keep my and my children safe, yet I still love my wife.  I even feel like I am questioning God now.  What to do...?
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Cat Familiar
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: January 17, 2021, 05:03:27 PM »

You fell in love with an emotionally unstable woman. You say you love it when her “true” self comes out, however her true self is both sides, the good and the difficult. That’s the problem of loving someone with BPD—you have to accept the totality of the person, not just the “good side”.

This article how a borderline relationship evolves will give you an overview of your last several years with her.

My concern is that she is a danger to herself and your children, and that is why I suspect you’ve titled your thread as you have.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
yeeter
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« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2021, 08:05:54 AM »

Take care of yourself first.   You are no good to anyone including yourself  if you are not functional

Use your friends family counselor this board etc. Exercise get sleep eat healthy

The only way around, is through

 Virtual hug (click to insert in post)
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cleotokos
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« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2021, 01:30:49 PM »

I understand how you feel. I have struggled with knowing what needs to be done, but not wanting to do it, for perhaps 2 or 3 years now. I keep waiting for it to get "bad enough". I am concerned for my children's safety, mostly due to negligence not abuse, so unfortunately a large part is waiting for a situation in which I have a decent chance at primary custody and supervised visits. Right now I can get myself out, but not my kids. I won't leave them behind. It sounds like you would be able to get yourself and your kids out - what has your lawyer said? A T once told me, every step you take - ie. just getting a lawyer on retainer - is like a rehearsal for one day when you decide it is time. Each little thing you do moves you closer. Good luck.
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CoherentMoose
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
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« Reply #4 on: January 20, 2021, 04:18:37 PM »

Excerpt
Take care of yourself first.   You are no good to anyone including yourself  if you are not functional
Use your friends family counselor this board etc. Exercise get sleep eat healthy
The only way around, is through

This from Yeeter in spades.  Also, you need to move out and protect your children.  There is no excuse to kick a child who did nothing wrong.  It's a long road, but please start now by crafting an emergency/safety plan (or plans) and a longer term exit plan to protect your children and get out of the crazy.  Run the plans through folks in here.  This board is an amazing resource.  Good luck.  CoMo
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