Feeling Desperate - seems there is no help

[ExBPDParent]

Hi There

I am new here and this is my first post. I am feeling a bit desperate and not really sure where to turn to get support or what else I can do.

After years of infidelity, rage when being caught, lies and manipulation in our marriage, I left. I discovered some shocking information about his past and literally took the kids and left.

Whilst he has sought help and many have mentioned BPD, he has not had a formal diagnosis. He is very high functioning, but the depths of the lies and deception is breathtaking. You wouldn't believe it if it was a movie.

After extensive reading and seeing health professionals myself, there is absolutely no doubt that he has BPD.
We have 2 children together. I won't go into the story, but he is dragging our young children from relationship to relationship. When he is in a  good space he is a good father, but my 7 year old is already super clued into his lies and manipulation of them and it is heartbreaking to see her confusion when she loves him, but doesn't trust him.

He threatens self harm, threatens them to keep secrets, has made very inappropriate comments about my daughters etc but none of it is enough for me to withhold the kids. Hundreds of little things, but I am terrified for their safety. Not because I think he would deliberately hurt them (although his immense rage at me most of the time, makes me worry he would hurt them to get back at me). I have been in the car when he has driven at 150km an hour in a rage, he's punched walls and when caught out/shamed he acts in incredibly impulsive ways.

I have always done the right thing by him as I know his behaviour is mental illness, but I feel broken. I've spoken to police, child protection, lawyers, family court, domestic violence organisations (there are SO many!) and basically everyone says that the system fails women and children like us.

We are divorced, but my whole life seems consumed by the drama that surrounds him and my fear for our children.
I have women reach out who have been in relationship with him (always at least 2 at a time - he's been engaged 6 times). Everything has blown up in a very major way and I am so worried about my 2 young kids, yet I have to send them back.

Just wondering if anyone else has similar experience and has any guidance that may help. I'm exhausted and I feel like I am playing a never ending chess game and I don't know the rules of chess!

I have seen the same psychologist for 5 years (including 2 with him) who does a lot of work with BPD. But I think we have outgrown eachother. I now leave my appointments feeling terrified of what he might do and that is not helping me.

I don't know what I think will happen by posting here, just hoping for some glimpse of a life that doesn't feel like a nightmare.

[ForeverDad]

Welcome!  We are here as collective peer support so you know you're not alone and, very important, help you educate yourself on what you're dealing with and which skills and strategies work better than others.

Soon others will chime in with their own thoughts and encouragement.

Most professionals are hesitant to hang a diagnosis on a disordered parent.  That includes family court.  Just like you can't fix him, the court also can't do that.  So it doesn't try to identify why he does what he does.  Courts typically ignore the 'why' and set orders that just deal with the behaviors.  You would be wise to do likewise.  We here all feel like you, we wish we could shout from the rooftops that we have had years dealing with our ex and know what's behind those behaviors.  Well, the professionals are usually circumspect and don't want us to 'play doctor'.

You also mention he is a good father.  Let's do a thought experiment similar to those Albert Einstein used to ponder the universe.  What if you at some point in the future were before a judge due to one of his poor behaviors, would you tell the judge he is a good father?  Do you see the issue?  He's not a good father if you're terrified of what might happen some day.

With that perspective, do you see that you should separate that small slice of his behavior, that he can house and feed his children during the time they visit him, but his overall behaviors are so very concerning?

Hmm, so why did you defend him?  Most members here arrive trying to be such Nice Guys and Nice Gals - it's in our nature - yet haven't pondered why we call out the poor behaviors but say the other parent is a good parent.

[worriedStepmom]

Are your kids in counseling?  Sometimes they'll be willing to tell a counselor more than they tell you - and the counselor can help provide evidence that your ex is not being a fit parent.

[cleotokos]

I am in a similar situation. Unfortunately there is this myth that persists, that women can easily take custody. Where I live 50/50 is the default, and there has to be overwhelming evidence of physical abuse of the children (not of the mother - physically abusing her in front of the children is not enough, appallingly) to budge that 50/50. I wish I had a happy story to tell you about us getting out, I'm sorry I don't but I can perhaps make you feel less alone. My partner rages in front of the kids, mostly at me, but sometimes shouts at and shows a lot of anger at the kids. He's manhandled my son angrily putting him in timeout and left a mark on his arm. He's road-raged while I was pregnant, with our kids in the car as babies, as toddlers. He has the ability to be loving, fun, playful, understanding, patient with the kids - and he is about 95% of the time. My kids love him very much, and I don't want them to not have that. However, for example the other night he argued with me about putting the anti-slip mat in the bathtub while the 2 and 4 year old showered because he thinks it's "dirty" (a brand new rubber mat). Priorities, right? He insisted that it was fine to ride around on his bike with our 2 year old side-saddle with no helmet (someone on the street shouted at him that head injuries are no joke, but he knows everything). Sure I can force him out of our home for his behaviour, but I can't make him have supervised visits with this. Right now at least I'm there to watch over, to go in and try to mitigate the emotional damage. All divorcing would do would be to leave them alone with him far more than they ever are currently.

I feel you on the helpless front - twice CPS has been called due to his behaviour, they don't call him and issue a warning, they call me and ask if I want to get him some "support" (because despite outsiders being concerned enough to call, it's simply not "bad enough" for real help - like from courts or police). He doesn't want support, he knows it all, better than anybody.

Have you got a lawyer? I was advised to document whatever I can, photos, screencaps of texts, save emails. Find out if recording conversations without the other person knowing is legal in your area. Imagine if your girls grow up and ask you, why didn't you do something? I'm not suggesting they would feel that way, but it's something I ask myself - how am I going to feel explaining to my children when they're adults, why I made this choice or that choice?

I also grew up with a uBPD mother, and my father didn't even try to get custody (see myth above - he believed it was just automatically granted to the mother). I wish to god that he had tried, I only ever got to spend a weekend every other week with a semi-"normal" parent.