Going to default divorce. Weird but maybe telling.

[Goosey]

So third attempt at divorce is going to default because my wife won’t respond after signing papers.
I have given funds over the course of years during “crisis” situations.
So now another “crisis”. An expensive one, so this time I demand the funds I provide are credited to equitable settlement and reviewed by the lawyer.
“Demand” never goes over well. How dare I stick up for myself.
  Now I’m back to getting  the  “I’m out of this world” threat phase.
 I guess I get it. Even though she has been gone for years she just feels abandoned by the idea this marriage will end.
 And I feels so bad and spent the day emailing thoughts but realizing I’m just back to getting trashed with non realities and then she went dark.
  Probably on date night haha. The whole pattern is so... a pattern.
  I am so over it.
I wish there was a magic pill. I do miss her. But not the bpd.
So so manipulative it is. Takes years to deprogram. Almost kinda got lulled back a bit today. But no I’d rather try to be helpful till I can’t. That’s all I can do.

[Gemsforeyes]

Hey Goosey-

I’m so so sorry for what you’ve been through.  Until tonight, when I read through a large number of your posts, I did not realize you’ve been separated for 3 years.  I cried.

This illness, these behaviors... are horrific.  And so damaging to us.  And I have to say, now... that it can no longer matter WHAT she may feel.  It just can’t, my friend.

I’ve lived through it in 2 relationships.  Both adult men.  They were aware of their behaviors.  Pretty damn aware.  I am aware now... of the excuses I made over and over and over for their behaviors... that were destroying me.  I’m still destroyed.  And I’m not sure I’ll ever recover.  Sorry, bad night.

So I would ask you, Goosey.  Demand more of HER and for once, LESS of yourself.  By this I mean, push for this divorce... you NEED this.  You know this.  And GIVE MORE to yourself and LESS to her.  And by this I mean MORE compassion, understanding and care to yourself and LESS space and compassion for her. 

She could ALWAYS have sought treatment and help.  She could ALWAYS have chosen kindness over cruelty.  She did NOT.

I’m sorry, Goosey.  Bad night.  I’m more honest with myself on bad nights.  You deserve to NOT be wondering “when” this marriage thing will end...

Hugs to you,
Gems

[Goosey]

Thank you gems.
Ya I kinda am “holding her hand” through her crisis with money and an ill pet. I feel myself slipping back into feeling so bad for her. And Mind you I haven’t even seen her since last Memorial Day. This is all through emails but I did speak with her today. ( I should say she spoke to me, it’s manic rapid fire).  She is just a mess. (And I’m a mess so that’s bad if I notice).
  I know I can’t be with her. It was too violent but I feel so guilty.
Like I’m trying to think- can I divorce her then shelter her? And I know that’s insane thinking but I just can’t help wanting to help. It’s so messed up.
  I didn’t bring up the divorce. She did email something that just broke me.
  And I’m slipping back into the fog. I am well aware of that and I will be destroyed.

“told you years ago and I will say it again divorcing you and losing a family sorry it doesn’t pass maybe for you but the pain is there Luke a burning in my body every day morning noon and night and I just wonder what about me people find so easy to just ignore after a while. “
  I feel so damn guilty now. It’s easier when she is attacking me.
  Anyway hopefully it will calm down.
But I can relate with you Gems. I will never ever recover from this. I’m broken too.