Pulling back

[Macy Smith]

Can anyone give me advice on how to pull back from an adult child who lives 600 miles away. When she texts me and she seems desperate, I want to call her and help but I know it’s not good for her

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

How often is it happening, would be my first question - some people would say "It's EVERY MONTH" others would say "It's EVERY FOUR HOURS", heh.

But in general I'd say you could try to shift her into a scheduled call - the way we used to do in the old days; you'd love to talk to her every/second/fourth Thursday at 6:40 for twenty minutes or something...and see if it helps her save up her emergencies until the coming Thursday and notices they often evaporate before then, etc?

[Sancho]

It is a very difficult thing not to respond immediately when you get a text/call that sounds really desperate. It took me a long time to realise that while the desperation/urgency was quite real at that moment, it would subside in a relatively short period of time.

Once I realised the pattern it was easier to wait a while to respond.

I agree if you could post a few more details ie are the texts about specific things that happen, general distress, accusing you of things - for BPD people, intense emotion can be triggered by such a huge range of things.

This is an important issue to work through, as it can have huge consequences for your own emotional wellbeing.