My daughter blames us for BPD ++

[hapiheart]

My 17 year old daughter who has been misdiagnosed for years has finally been dx w BPD. There’s been trauma in her young life. I left her father 3 years ago and it was a volatile household, mostly yelling.  No hitting, but scary nonetheless.  And yes, potentially traumatic.  There was also bullying at school and a sexual assault by a neighbor.  She was dx with T1D (insulin dependent) in 5th grade.
 It’s been awful and she’s felt helpless at times, we all have.  But now that she has this dx she points to me & especially her dad and says it’s your fault I’m like this!  If it wasn’t for you I would not be this way.  Why did you do this to me?
Why did you have children?

Do I feel guilty?  YES.  Is this our fault? Are we to blame?
Will she ever forgive us? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PearlsBefore]

Oh these are always the posts where I get in trouble for not validating enough...why do I respond? Is it the same masochism that's led to me to receive so much flak in the past?


Anyways...to your questions; I'm sure it seems really bad to hear a BPD diagnosis - but try to look on the positive side, nothing is different than it was last week except now you have a better understanding of how to set about planning strategies for dealing with it a little better.

In my RL experience, I'd say roughly half the parents-of-BPD I've known demonstrate traits that make it unsurprising they have a child diagnosed with BPD, the other half of the time they do not (although it could just be some hide it better than I can seek it - I don't pry). A parental failure to provide proper father-child or mother-child bonding is one of the triggers that can increase the chances of BPD - but it's just one of the triggers, there are others.

So is it your fault? Realistically I don't know and neither does anyone on this board - I mean we can say "It's not your fault, these things just happen", but they say the same thing on the lung cancer forums, right? Most likely you'll never know the answer for sure, but you and your daughter know the answer better than we do on a question like that.

The sexual assault might be related if it was a very close family member and more akin to molestation. Judith Herman I believe, aside from her better-known book on Trauma and Healing, has touched on the issue. But from my understanding, if it was "just" a friend or neighbor or SO then it's more likely to have resulted in C-PTSD than in BPD.

It is always possible in psycopathy for DXs to be incorrect - it's not an exact science, so it may be that her C-PTSD just looks like BPD to this particular professional, or her BPD looked like C-PTSD to the last one. (You didn't mention what she was "misdiagnosed" with before - I'd assume C-PTSD based on your description, but certainly things like Bipolar are very commonly also misdiagnosed). Basically a differential diagnosis on psych issues is based on three very imperfect factors; the professional's own life-experience, the story as told by the patient, and the story as told by the patient's family. So while the difference between C-PTSD and BPD might come down to whether she has a stable sense of identity...you might think she does, she thinks she doesn't, and the professional chooses the wrong one to believe...or maybe you all agree she does - but she still has BPD just with an abnormality.

But since she has traits that, at the very least, resemble BPD - we're definitely here for you and while things like Linehan's behavioral therapy are specifically designed for BPD (Linehan is BPD herself, it's an interesting system that's grown up) they likely can't hurt no matter the Dx.

Ultimately I'd say acknowledge the fact she feels it's your fault and validate that you understand that's her position, and offer that you don't know for certain either way but want to focus on the present and the future more than the past. It can be self-effacing, but "I may have contributed to your mental health woes in the past and I'm sorry but I'm darned sure I hope to be a part of resolving them from today onward!" can both reassure her that you "get it", and re-orient her towards helping you find solutions.

[hapiheart]

Amazing response. Very helpful. 

Although it is difficult for me, yes, I need to acknowledge the fact she feels it's our fault and validate her feelings.  Assure her we support her now and in the future.

Thank you so much.  This is exactly what I needed to hear.

[PearlsBefore]

I'll be honest, I just cruise the forums looking for newbies who have waited too long for a single response to their post so nobody feels neglected; the "View New Posts" button shows which have zero responses, heh...God, even online I demonstrate the same character traits.