Inloveconfused
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Single
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: February 06, 2021, 06:05:17 AM » |
|
Hello
So, my story is this: I met a lovely lady online last April, She explained that she had been hurt in the past and had a real fear of rejection. She explained that she needed to go slowly, which was fine by me.
We met up in June and dated a couple of times, but it didn't really go anywhere. She backed out of our 3rd date and i just accepted that she probably wasnt that attracted to me. However, we continued to chat and in the Aug, she really started to flirt with me, resulting in us meeting up for coffee. The chemistry was electric, however at the time i was considering polyamory and she didnt want to go down that route. So, we decided that despite the chemistry, we could be friends... we met up again a few days later, and spent an entire evening together, resulting in her kissing me at the end. For the next two weeks, she was full steam ahead with us. She sent love songs, and we texted 24/7, hours of conversations on the phone. She came over a couple of days later and we became more intimate, by the weekend, we slept together. Another week passed, and we had another amazing weekend, the connection between us in bed was something ive never felt before... then two days later, she ended it. Said she didnt feel she had the time to give us. I was devastated. I'd realised that i didnt want polyamory now, that this woman could give me everything i wanted. She literally ticked every box. We talked, and she admitted that she felt very overwhelmed but didnt want to end things, so we continued on.
But now we started what i can only describe as a cycle. We grew close, she backed away, or created an argument. We end, she goes straight into dating apps looking for someone else. Then a few days/weeks later, she comes back to me using all kinds of excuses in order to make contact, we grow close again, and then she ends it:
I said something that reminded her of a sexual assault - she blocked me until she calmed but then said we could only be friends. But she didnt behave like friends. Wanting to talk to me for hours on the phone, flirting still when i did. However, i was now very aware of this incident and wanted to allow her to dictate the physical aspect of our relationship.
I asked for some consideration with plans changing after she invited me on holiday with her - She ended it again, saying I was being too intense. Making her feel guilty when she hadn't done anything. I tried explaining how I hadn't done that, but she was adamant we were over, she didn't want to continue.
But then a couple of weeks later, she contacts me out of the blue with the 'sorry that was meant for someone else text'.
We talked about her avoidance attachment and she agreed most of that fit with her. She then drove 200miles out of her way to see me.
We spent an awesome couple of days together, She was all over me. - she ended it a few days later because she said she didn't think of me as anything more than a friend.
Next time around, i contacted her explaining how i didnt understand how she had come to the conclusion she had, but that I had consistently been there for her, and as far as i was concerned, i was falling in love with her and i believed she was too etc... she contacted me and we talked about her fear of intimacy. We agreed to take sex off the table and we spend more time together that week than ever, We still kissed and cuddled, talked about the future etc... at the end of the week, I asked how she was feeling and she said Happy, really happy. - 2 hours later, i could feel her withdrawing. And several hours later she ended it again, this time she just wasn't feeling it sexually for me anymore.
I should mention too that although sex is what i would describe as pretty normal, there are two things that concerned me. 1. she talks about BDSM and relationships she's had like that, but I never felt this was who we are together. 2. She drifts off into what I would call a trance and/or then passes out at the point of orgasm. She calls this subspace, but I now think that it's dissociation.
I was pretty much at the point of giving up, but over Christmas, we talked again about things and she said she was trying to protect me from the labyrinth of her mind by not getting back with me.. but as i said, we always end up back here. She was open to suggestions and i said therapy. To my surprise, she booked a session for that day with a hypnotherapist. We spent a couple of days together, her therapy was eye opening for her, but at the end of the week... you guessed it, she was struggling again. This time i reacted badly, and i ended it. She had already blocked me on FB which told me that she had made her decision, she was ending it and i couldnt bear to hear what the new excuse was.
But a couple of weeks later i wanted to talk about it, i'd hoped she had continued with the therapy. I'd driven over to hers, an hour away, but she wasn't in. And when i text, she said she would rather leave it. So i did.
I should also point out that every time we end, it has been within a few hours/48 maximum, of her spending time with her dad. She insists her childhood was happy, but i get the impression he was quite dismissive of her.
I thought that it was over at this point, but then a week ago, she sent another text meant for someone else and added my best friend to her facebook (even tho, we were not friends on fb at this point), we started talking, but i remained guarded and didnt give her the attention i usually do... she seemed to be struggling with flirting with me, and trying not to. She was talking about us being friends, but then would flirt, or send a photo, or hint at coming over. But when i said she could come over, but i had my dog here and he sleeps on my bed, she said no (So she was planning to sleep with me even tho i have spare beds for friends) next day she barely speaks to me.
On Sunday, we talked and she told me that she realised that I was in love with her, but she hadnt fallen in love with me, and that she was going to start dating men again, as it was easier than women, but she was so glad that we were friends again because she always has a laugh with me.
I was really hurt and upset by that. Because when we are together, i can see and feel that she loves me. Everything she says and talks about suggests that she is in love with me. We talk about the future, moving in together, working abroad etc. The songs she sends me talk about someone in love.
But then she withdraws and im only a friend again.
I was hurt that she was going to date anyone else while i am in love with her. I said we couldn't be friends, that it would be torture for me to watch her dating other people. I said that i felt used, that she was just stringing me along until she decided finally that she didnt love me. And so, i asked her not to contact me again, to stop snooping on my social media ( i know she does this when we are not together).
She reacted badly, even removing her facebook acount.
Since then, i have been reading up on BPD and realise that much of this fits with her and us. Now i feel awful for the way that I handled things, I would never want to hurt her.
I dont know if we could ever have a relationship that would work, but i do know that had i known of this, or had she had a diagnosis of anything, that i would be able to handle it. But i am trying to understand what is true and real for her. If she doesn't love me then i need to move on, but if she does, then there are conversations to be had.
Most importantly, the idea that BPD might be the issue for her.
Any advice on how i should handle this?
|
