peaceful divorce?

[ForeverDad]

I separated for about 4-5 months before filing for divorce.  I didn't know where she was for quite a while, I learned she and my preschooler were living in local women's shelter called "House of Peace" with only a P.O. Box address.  I was careful not to seek her out. When I did learn of her new residence, I made sure not to approach.  I was at least smart enough not to risk her claiming I was stalking or harassing her.  Well, she did claim it anyway but that was predictable.  When our initial temp order was dismissed and she didn't let me see or talk to him (turned out to be 3 months) I did call the police once to ask whether they would accompany me so I could visit my by-then 4yo son.  The officer who answered my call declined but when I asked what would happen if I went to her door and she called police I was told (my interpretation of his answer) they'd come rushing to protect her.  I stayed away.  But it was hard to resist the urge.

So it is good you were suspicious of the call and very good you didn't stop, even if only to talk.  You cannot predict when it might be a set up to frame you as a stalker or harasser or worse.  After all she's already tried to make allegations in court against you.  Probably not the last time.  Distance is a very good thing.

[mrlala]

She texts now that she does not want the divorce and tries to convince me to talk to her without lawyers. After 2x ROs and criminal complaints, I will not write back. But it's hard.

[ForeverDad]

Save those texts, make copies and store them in secure places where she can't access and where you're unlikely to delete them in some future pressure from her to delete them.  That's documentation if nothing else that she's not realistic about her complaints.

[mrlala]

Absolutely. But the hardest part is how these messages mess with my head and I still have hope that we can figure out a way to make this all work. F me.

[mrlala]

I F*CKED UP!

we had sex twice in the last two days. She said the right things: "She is clean since January - she is sorry" (we did a drug test to verify) and her perspective of things somehow makes sense to me? WTF! I have false? hope!

I need to talk to my therapist and my lawyer today. I might have just PLEASE READed everything up royally.

I am afraid of a) losing her and b) her retaliation if I leave. It does not make sense! FML! I was so close to pull through with the divorce and did so well and now this!

[GaGrl]

Okay, it's done...don't beat yourself up about it.at

Time to assess the situation. It's good you plan to talk to your T and your lawyer. Your T will help you get your thinking and feeling straight. Your lawyer may very well tell you that you have jeopardized some legal strategy, but he/she can help you re-set.

[ForeverDad]

Is there a risk of pregnancy?  If so, that could impact your sense of obligation to a baby or more children.

I recall in my divorce we had to declare there was no pregnancy.

[mrlala]

I don't think pregnancy could have happened. Talked to the lawyer. Divorce is on track, just extending the move out order will be harder after giving in for sex damnit but she definitely can not move back in.

However, our interaction gave me hope in regards to the marriage. I still love her and miss her so much and I am proud of how she takes steps for her recovery. I am thinking of different strategies to handle this without making rushed decisions here.

[mrlala]

Update: we met multiple times now and somehow we agree that we can not live together right now but there is still love. But the not trusting is a huge problem on both ends.

Today was a court date and the motion to vacate (so she can't live in my house) was extended. My lawyer was already worried that this would not go that way based on the re-connection between us. Now, I essentially have roughly 2 months to decide and observe whether the marriage is possible if wife stays of drugs. Drugs made the extreme emotions and the attachment trauma completely unmanageable.

My hope is based on wife's recovery for over 200 days now and individual trauma work for both of us and couples' therapy. Maybe it is impossible but maybe not? Who knows - I am glad I got more time to decide. Wife does see me as adversarial at times even though we say we want the same.