I miss my ex very much, and have been thinking about reaching out

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have recently been speaking to someone - I'm not sure if they are romantically interested in me but I suspect that they are - and sometimes, this is making me miss my expwBPD.

I miss my ex very much. Things ended very abruptly - as is typical with this disorder - and I think they immediately began dating other people. I would reach out often, asking why they had treated me like this - to no response. Eventually they did respond and apologised, but said that they couldn't be in contact because they felt our relationship gets too "intense and codependent", so we have been total NC since last November (we broke up a while before that).

I often wonder what would happen if I just called my ex and was honest about how I feel - that I miss them, and whatever else. I know, intellectually, that this is a 'bad' idea, but at the same time, I have never done that and feel like there isn't much to lose.

I also know, intellectually, that this person treated me quite badly - not just with the discard, but in general, when we were involved with each other. But sometimes this knowledge isn't enough for me to say "OK, I don't like that person anymore".

I don't know why I miss them - I think it's partly that I am in a country where there are still lockdown restrictions and I'm feeling very lonely. I also feel that the relationship didn't have an actual reason for ending, and wasn't given the chance to progress naturally - with my ex admitting that they sabotaged things intentionally, I feel like, well, why can't we try again?

I feel like I would regret reaching out, and there is a high possibility that the person might block me, or say something to hurt me. But I feel like I'm just tired of fighting against my feelings, and just want to tell them how I feel about them. It also just doesn't seem fair - I've effectively been cut out of someone's life for no real reason, it seems.

I just don't know what to do. I tried speaking about this to a friend, and while they were sympathetic, it's clear they feel that I should be over it, and that they don't quite understand the nature of being in a relationship with someone who had BPD.

[karrimor]

I have recently been speaking to someone - I'm not sure if they are romantically interested in me but I suspect that they are - and sometimes, this is making me miss my expwBPD.

I miss my ex very much. Things ended very abruptly - as is typical with this disorder - and I think they immediately began dating other people. I would reach out often, asking why they had treated me like this - to no response. Eventually they did respond and apologised, but said that they couldn't be in contact because they felt our relationship gets too "intense and codependent", so we have been total NC since last November (we broke up a while before that).

I often wonder what would happen if I just called my ex and was honest about how I feel - that I miss them, and whatever else. I know, intellectually, that this is a 'bad' idea, but at the same time, I have never done that and feel like there isn't much to lose.

I also know, intellectually, that this person treated me quite badly - not just with the discard, but in general, when we were involved with each other. But sometimes this knowledge isn't enough for me to say "OK, I don't like that person anymore".

I don't know why I miss them - I think it's partly that I am in a country where there are still lockdown restrictions and I'm feeling very lonely. I also feel that the relationship didn't have an actual reason for ending, and wasn't given the chance to progress naturally - with my ex admitting that they sabotaged things intentionally, I feel like, well, why can't we try again?

I feel like I would regret reaching out, and there is a high possibility that the person might block me, or say something to hurt me. But I feel like I'm just tired of fighting against my feelings, and just want to tell them how I feel about them. It also just doesn't seem fair - I've effectively been cut out of someone's life for no real reason, it seems.

I just don't know what to do. I tried speaking about this to a friend, and while they were sympathetic, it's clear they feel that I should be over it, and that they don't quite understand the nature of being in a relationship with someone who had BPD.

[tvda]

I feel for you... Lockdown measures surely don't help with the loneliness. My general sad feeling when reading your post is that you are looking for logical reasons for a lot of things... When the reality is that the big problem with BPD is that people suffering from this disorder don't think or act logically.

They respond to (overwhelming) feelings in most part. Think about yourself, about how surely you have a rational side that knows what you should do. But how difficult the emotional side makes things. Now imagine that you didn't have the rational side at all...

That's how futile it is to try and get a BPD to respond to the logics of a situation, sadly...

[karrimor]

My general sad feeling when reading your post is that you are looking for logical reasons for a lot of things... When the reality is that the big problem with BPD is that people suffering from this disorder don't think or act logically.

I guess. I don' t know if I'm looking for an explanation anymore - I was, but now I feel like I don't care about all that. I just miss the person and feel like there's no real reason we can't just talk... but whenever I've made contact in the past, it seems to be riddled with too many complex aspects.

I can't even articulate it here - for example on one occasion I said "hey, how are you?" and I was just blocked. I've been ignored, insulted, blocked - when I have never ever been rude to this person. So the very idea of making contact is difficult, I have no idea what the outcome would even be.

They seem fine with other people, making friends with others, yet I just seem to be someone that's completely out of bounds. I'd understand that if I'd done something wrong, or whatever. But I haven't. I feel like what is there to lose by just calling them and being honest about my feelings - but then, talking about my feelings, even when we were involved, was something that resulted in anger and distance from them.

I really find this very difficult to get over. AS I said I've started talking to someone who seems consistent, but I don't even know if it's a romantic thing - and I'm not sure if I can even do a romantic thing, at this point. Not because of my ex, but just in general.

I don't even know anymore, this whole thing is very frustrating. And it's not as if there's some way to overcome or win over someone with BPD - this forum and many others are full of people experiencing this same thing, so why would my situation be any different 

[once removed]

one of the hardest parts of a breakup is that your ex cannot help you heal. they arent in any position to.

trying to have a conversation with him about what was done, and how he made you feel pushes him away because theres nothing he can do about it, and thats an uncomfortable feeling.

if youre trying now, to have a "hey how are you" conversation and hes shutting you out, its because he senses that the conversation will lead back to that.

the harder part is when someone blocks you. it effectively cuts off all of the things you want to say.

the thing is, to continue to contact someone at that point is not only disrespecting them; it will cause them to erect even higher walls.

detaching is not about liking him less or convincing yourself to be over it. its about acknowledging that the relationship is over, and actively taking steps to let it go. it is hard 

[karrimor]

one of the hardest parts of a breakup is that your ex cannot help you heal. they arent in any position to.

trying to have a conversation with him about what was done, and how he made you feel pushes him away because theres nothing he can do about it, and thats an uncomfortable feeling.

if youre trying now, to have a "hey how are you" conversation and hes shutting you out, its because he senses that the conversation will lead back to that.

the harder part is when someone blocks you. it effectively cuts off all of the things you want to say.

the thing is, to continue to contact someone at that point is not only disrespecting them; it will cause them to erect even higher walls.

detaching is not about liking him less or convincing yourself to be over it. its about acknowledging that the relationship is over, and actively taking steps to let it go. it is hard 

With previous break ups, I have not expected anyone to help me heal - there has often been a clear decline in the quality of the relationships, and while they've been hard, I saw the end coming.

I didn't expect this ex to help me heal - more to just explain why/how they could act in such a way. I had never been exposed to or heard of such abrupt, explosive, hurtful behaviour.

Nor did I think that would be it, in terms of us being together. I feel that completely abandoning someone with zero explanation and a ton of mixed messages in regards to us being in contact is wrong and I feel that I reacted in proportion to the confusing set of circumstances I'd been presented with.

I am totally understanding of other people's boundaries, and at the time I was very respectful to my ex - despite them hurting me and going on to do so in front of other people we knew. I was very kind and patient, giving them space, etc. I rarely spoke about how I felt, until many months later when I tried to reach out and was blocked for saying "hey, how are you?" - which is fine, I get that they may not have wanted contact, but I was, I feel, very cordial and patient in my approach.

As for 'disrespecting' them - I was disrespected, humiliated, ignored, threatened, shouted at, blocked, hurt, and abandoned. I see your point, but for two years I did what this person wanted. At the point where I was trying to make contact, I had had enough and wanted to be heard and listened to.

I don't feel that's wrong, and all I'm really seeing in this response is that it's somehow my fault that this person keeps shutting me out - that I made contact too often, or whatever else. When I feel that they had - and they admitted this - not acted in the best manner towards me, hurt me, and said/done all sorts of things that caused me pain. I was only trying to make sense of it all.

I experienced a lot of things from them in the time I knew them. I don't think it was wrong of me to finally be open and try and understand why this had happened when I hadn't done anything to deserve it - it being on the receiving end of a sudden anger outburst and then broken up with. At the time I had zero knowledge of BPD and didn't know this was a common thing. So I wanted to understand what had happened.

They had always shut me out, frequently - even when we knew each other they would often ignore me in person. That is why I was unable to separate that behaviour and put it down to a break up pattern, and then let go - this was habitual, something they'd do all the time, so I was unable to see it as final.

So they may have shut me out and put up walls, but I can't feel in the wrong for acting the way I did, not after the way they behaved towards me.

[once removed]

I can't feel in the wrong for acting the way I did, not after the way they behaved towards me.

the takeaway in what im saying, in trying to detach, in learning the lessons you want to take into future relationships is not "you should feel badly".

detaching is about actively letting go. even (especially) when its hard.

wanted to be heard and listened to.

i imagine it would feel good to be able to do this with him. i sense that it is, primarily, what you are seeking in posting.

i think what im trying to say is that at a certain point, that desire can be self sustaining, and even keep us stuck.

we all know your pain well. my ex partner of three years very suddenly ended the relationship and jumped into a new one, and we essentially never spoke again. most of us arrive here with not just pain, but questions; the answers to which our exes are unlikely able to provide.

so theres really no need to defend yourself here. we get it, and im not picking on you  . what im suggesting is that giving up on receiving answers for him, or speaking your mind to him, is, mentally, physically, and emotionally, the first step to letting go, and in turn, the urge begins to dissipate.

your questions can ultimately, for the most part, be answered. you really can find closure. its just very unlikely to come from him.

[Shaken54]

Sorry you are going through this, I get where you are coming from. I too miss my ex I also have the urges to reach out and they are difficult to fight off.
But what you need to try and understand is the person that we fell in love with is no longer there, sure she is still walking around but we will never be able to get back to that beginning phase. Its gone for good because it was not the real her. Who you see now is the real her, trust me I have a hard time wrapping my head around that too.

If you reach out to her more than likely you are only setting yourself up for more hurt, they will not change without years of hard work and therapy and even then its not going to just go away.
You also need to ask yourself like I have been, do I really want someone who has mistreated me and that I have to plead with to come back. If you think about that you should come to your own conclusion.

I wish you luck either way I just hope if you do reach out your prepared for what may happen.