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Author Topic: "You don't care about me"  (Read 783 times)
formflier
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« Reply #30 on: February 26, 2021, 09:30:12 AM »


I would encourage you not to figure out "oh..this is BPD" and "this must be something else".

Full disclosure:  My wife is most likely more PPD than BPD...but it really doesn't matter for purposes of dealing with the behavior.

So...to the extent that if you could figure out if you wife "had something" that it would change the "healthy" approach to the behavior, then I think it is wise to "figure that stuff out"...but if you can't find a reason to respond differently to "I shouldn't have to tell you..." based on BPD, PTSD...anxiety....or just generally being a crank...then I suggest you keep your head "in the moment" and respond to what is before you.  A hurting person...

Pause for a moment...regardless of "what they have"...it's obvious they are hurting..right?

That doesn't mean they get to do whatever they want, it does mean you should lean into empathy...and healthy responses.

How about this??

What would be a good SET for "I shouldn't have to tell you?"

Best,

FF
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #31 on: February 26, 2021, 09:53:51 AM »

I don't really know, I often times will say "I need help, to understand what can make it better", which I know isn't the right answer or approach.
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #32 on: February 26, 2021, 10:07:11 AM »

Not to pile more on, but this is why I feel trapped in an endless cycle.  I'm at work right now.  She text me last evening after more circular type of texts.  "Have fun at work.  I'm going to bed a newly single woman."  Then a comment about returning a "hideous ring" I purchased that she specifically requested.  I just didn't even respond.  This morning she texts "still ignoring".  So, I tried to just start it in another direction and asked how she and our child were doing and that I had hoped she was still sleeping and didn't want to wake them.

She then attacked me for "changing the subject"  and says "This is why this is irreparably broken.  You can't discuss the subject at hand.  You don't like it so you move on to something different, like I don't notice you completely blew me off last night.  If I had any doubts that leaving you wasn't the right thing, you reinforced that it is.  So thank you."  I just don't know how to redirect or use any kind of "SET" strategy or something similar with that.
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« Reply #33 on: February 26, 2021, 10:33:08 AM »

This is exactly where I am with the circular conversation.  I find when I try and say lets talk about this or "I understand", it's usually met with "I've been telling you this for years" or "I shouldn't have to tell you what to do to help."  or similar statements.  I feel like even when I acknowledge it, it spirals right back to the circular logic and of course if I simply say I'm sorry (or something similar) and leave (even if I say I need a time-out, it's "oh you need a break, I have to deal with everyone's pain") then it becomes, that I just walk away and "ignore her."  She's been in this most recent "flare" for at least a week (really hyped) and probably more like two weeks including the ramping up.

That's part of why I'm sure there is more at play than just BPD, but it just hits you with overwhelming guilt and wondering if maybe I haven't been there or supportive.

this description is, to a tee, my life. "episodes" (flareups?) last 2-5d, usually inclusive of one particularly harsh moment (screaming and/or throwing/breaking things), 24-48 of hostility, 24-48h of quiet detachment. then we have 1-4w of peace. then it kicks in again.

i'm at the "basically given up, but feel so terrible about it all that i'm not quiiiiite ready to go" stage... (but thats because its been ~8y of this, though cycles used to be much much slower)

good luck, hope you have a better journey than i do. here to commisserate anytime!
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« Reply #34 on: February 26, 2021, 11:37:47 AM »

My experience - the "cycle" in her head just has to exhaust itself.  There is absolutely NOTHING you can do/say to reverse it.  You can do things to make it worse, and you can remain somewhat "neutral", but that is about it.  She is mad/angry at you.   ANYTHING you say/do will be taken through that lens. 

As FF says - the more you say, the more you potentially will make it worse (99% chance that any attempt to resolve this will make it worse).  Probably a good thing she is out of the house right now.  You can take a deep breath, she can calm, and at some time you can hopefully communicate with a halfway rational person.

Usually, I am the one to leave.  When I do, at some point W will usually blow up my phone with text messages so long they actually crash things.    Lately, though, she does not text me for awhile.  If it has been an hour, I usually send her a text message unrelated to the issue she is mad about.  "I am at the store, managed to find xyz."   Or "Took the car to the car wash, cleaned out the inside, too".  She usually responds in a short way, "Fine."  Then later she may send me longer messages about how she is still angry, or maybe just ask when I will be home.  If she wants to bring up the subject why she is angry, I usually have a response about how I can't respond at length because I am driving, etc.  Keep it short, and don't respond immediately.

 
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #35 on: February 26, 2021, 11:48:44 AM »

Well, she apparently checked out and I think she’s home now. She’s stating she’ll be gone when I get there. My concern is my 2 1/2 year old daughter if she is doing this.

I think one of the big issues with when I try to detach is basically that’s what I had to do with my ex (who has NPD), so it spirals even further so I have to respond in some way or then “she’s no better than my ex”
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« Reply #36 on: February 26, 2021, 03:22:56 PM »

Not to pile more on, but this is why I feel trapped in an endless cycle.  I'm at work right now.  She text me last evening after more circular type of texts.  "Have fun at work.  I'm going to bed a newly single woman."  Then a comment about returning a "hideous ring" I purchased that she specifically requested.  I just didn't even respond.  This morning she texts "still ignoring".  So, I tried to just start it in another direction and asked how she and our child were doing and that I had hoped she was still sleeping and didn't want to wake them.

She then attacked me for "changing the subject"  and says "This is why this is irreparably broken.  You can't discuss the subject at hand.  You don't like it so you move on to something different, like I don't notice you completely blew me off last night.  If I had any doubts that leaving you wasn't the right thing, you reinforced that it is.  So thank you."  I just don't know how to redirect or use any kind of "SET" strategy or something similar with that.

Please confirm this is all back and forth via text.  Do I have that right?

As in texts on a phone, not email.

Best,

FF
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #37 on: February 26, 2021, 03:42:34 PM »

That is correct
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formflier
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« Reply #38 on: February 26, 2021, 03:54:25 PM »


I would suggest removing "relationship talk" from text.

It will be horrible..she will pitch a fit, but over the long haul, you will be far....FAR ahead

Best,

FF
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #39 on: February 26, 2021, 04:01:08 PM »

Do you have any suggestions on how to approach that?  It’s been one of our primary ways of communicating and as you said I know it won’t go well, but I agree if I could do/accomplish that it would make a big difference.

I mean she still accuses me of ignoring her when she’s just up in her room all the time (while I’m doing everything around the house and taking care of our child, etc), but that’s a whole other story.
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« Reply #40 on: February 26, 2021, 04:25:18 PM »

Agree with no R/S issues via text message - always a disaster.  At the very least avoid a back and forth. 

My W will complain about something such as dishes not being done.  Yet if I try to do them, she complains I am always "doing chores" and not available to her or the kids.  No win here.  It sounds like you are in the same boat here.  I am the only one with a job, do 99% of the cooking, 80% of the dishes, and more than 50% of the required cleaning.  W does do a lot of organizing, and that is useful, but usually it is non-priority stuff or moving stuff back and forth(IMO).  For example, this morning she took all the crackers out of their boxes in the pantry and put them in another container.  Example 2:  We have a small bookshelf that has been relocated about 20 times in the past year.  Anyway, I have literally ZERO time to myself.  W complains that I don't get anything done.  I ask her to help me make time.  That usually brings about a rage.
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« Reply #41 on: February 26, 2021, 04:32:00 PM »

Yeah that’s about right. I’m just trying to figure out a good way to approach the no R/S issues or discussion via text. We’ve always text about everything (it’s how our R/S started), so I can just see it spiraling very quickly unless I at least have a good “strategy” to approaching it.
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formflier
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« Reply #42 on: February 26, 2021, 10:03:20 PM »


There is no good way to do it.

However...if you don't discuss relationship issues via text...then it won't happen.

It really is that simple.

Just as true as that is...there is no good way to do it.

Both of those are true.

"Hey babe..this sounds important to you.  I'm going to be available in person to discuss this after dinner tonight.  Looking forward to giving you my full attention."

And then...ignore it.

And yes...be present and ready when you say you will be.

The nuclear explosion over this will eventually die down.  Your life will be better.

Best,

FF
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« Reply #43 on: February 27, 2021, 12:39:41 AM »


And then...ignore it.

And yes...be present and ready when you say you will be.


More than likely, she won't be.  She won't want to actually discuss anything in person.  *If* you meet in person, she will more likely talk about other stuff, or briefly vent about this subject, and move on.
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formflier
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« Reply #44 on: February 27, 2021, 08:49:55 AM »


And..this is a victory for the relationship and the two people involved.

Best,

FF
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #45 on: February 27, 2021, 09:09:34 AM »

Yeah, it’s interesting. So we have an in law suite attached to our house. She actually came back from the hotel and basically had said earlier that I can live in the in law suite until we figure something out (it could take 2 years to sell our house if we truly separate/divorce), essentially I’m “living” in a different room of the house for now. When I came home from work, I went to check on her and now she doesn’t want to talk, basically said why are you in here, I/“we” said you were living in the apartment. I didn’t really hear anything the rest of the night. I’m sure at some point this will be twisted to I’m still ignoring her, but it’s a brief reprieve at least for now.
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formflier
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« Reply #46 on: February 27, 2021, 12:20:56 PM »


Isn't that generous of her.  Why doesn't she move in there??? Instead of trying to control your living situation?

Best,

FF
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #47 on: February 27, 2021, 12:53:11 PM »

I thought the same thing, though it doesn’t really matter that much it’s just like another bedroom almost in the house. She flips and turns on a dime with this stuff too. She had actually at one point just said, fine I’ll just live in the “apartment”, this was about a month ago. I have some family coming to help clean up and partly because I know she generally “hold it in/together” when others are around. So now she’s all about hanging up some pictures in the house of them for when they’re here, despite going on about how I’m horrible and she’s leaving me for days-weeks. Then she flips on a dime when I go back upstairs...I ask her a question (she had headphones in apparently) and states “what do you want, can’t you see I have headphones in I can’t hear you.” Followed by “take a hint” under her breath....it’s so maddening
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maxsterling
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« Reply #48 on: February 27, 2021, 04:28:32 PM »

Yeah, it’s interesting. So we have an in law suite attached to our house. She actually came back from the hotel and basically had said earlier that I can live in the in law suite until we figure something out (it could take 2 years to sell our house if we truly separate/divorce), essentially I’m “living” in a different room of the house for now. When I came home from work, I went to check on her and now she doesn’t want to talk, basically said why are you in here, I/“we” said you were living in the apartment. I didn’t really hear anything the rest of the night. I’m sure at some point this will be twisted to I’m still ignoring her, but it’s a brief reprieve at least for now.

Whose house is it? 

I wonder how my W would handle things if we had such an apartment.  I am guessing she would first want me to stay in there.  I would, enjoy my peace and quiet, and let her manage all the responsibilities of the main house.  I am guessing that it would not be 12 hours before she was wanting be to come back inside to fix something, cook something, clean something, etc.  I doubt she would want to do that again, and next time I bet she would want to stay in the apartment. 

When my now-W had initially moved in, she was relocating to my city and her moving in was supposed to be temporary until she got her own place, but she had little motivation to do so after actually arriving.  A few months in, W was mad at me about something or another, and this prompted her to find her own place.   A friend of a friend had a room to rent with its own bathroom, etc.  (was actually a very nice house owned by a quasi-famous person).  I helped her pack up her things, drove over there with her, and left.  Later that afternoon, I went to a small party a few doors down with some friends who happened to be Psychologists.  I told them what had happened, and they said, "yeah right, she will be back at your house in a couple of hours."  I walked out the front door and sure enough her car was already in my driveway again.  When the party was over, I came home, found she had made dinner for herself, offered me some, and told me how she didn't like the new place.   A week later she went and picked up her stuff. 
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MilfordGranger

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« Reply #49 on: February 27, 2021, 04:44:55 PM »

Well that’s part of why I say I don’t know how much it really matters. It’s an apartment (because there is a second kitchen, etc), but the reality is it’s basically like me staying in another room and with our daughter, it makes it more difficult for me to basically isolate/live in the apartment if I’m still going to be involved with our daughter. If this ever turned into a real “separation” I think we’d have to be more creative in having actual set times when the “main part” of the house were “ours,” which I’m sure would go over well. I do agree though I suspect if I were truly “gone” for a chunk of time I wonder how long it would be before she finally snapped out of this most recent “rage”, or I don’t even know if that’s what to call it because it’s more she’s in a part of her cycle where I am horrible and essentially the cause of everything bad and all of her pain.
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« Reply #50 on: March 01, 2021, 12:17:28 AM »

I think of it this way.  When they "are that way" the more words you put on the table the more chances they have to "mishear" (anyone ever have that happen????) and then try to shot you with a twisted version of your own words.

Oh heck yes.  Whatever you say will be twisted; you will be trapped in JADE and it will be a downward spiral.  I also think that we need realistic expectations.  Know that NOTHING we say will improve the situation (because likely we didn't exactly cause it); all we can do is not make it worse so we can wait it out and at some point pwBPD will go back to baseline.  I think I too get trapped in a pwBPD's thinking that I should be doing/ saying something at that moment that would make all the negative feelings go away.  And when I say something that didn't work, I move on to another... which leads to more trouble.
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