First post here - WwBPD, SS18Autism andSchizophreniaSpectrum

[Warriorprincess]

Hi Everyone,
I’ve been posting on the Partner with BPD board, and I got some advice to come over here for help with SS18 with autism and recently diagnosed on the schizophrenia spectrum. SS graduated H.S. With an IEP at 17 and has been floundering for a year, jumping from mechanic school to EMT school to having several jobs that he walked off of after 1 month due to his intrusive thoughts and fears that he will punch someone, kill someone, or that someone planted a bomb in his car, or he’ll write something threatening online and go to jail. He stopped leaving the house and using his phone about 5 months ago, was in residential mental health treatment for 2 months (November and December). He just got home after 3 weeks inpatient due to running away twice and suicidal thoughts/plans. He’s been a handful since I got together with my W six years ago (we got married 5 years ago). I definitely think I came in as the would-be rescuer and have essentially given up on my W getting help for her undiagnosedBPD or giving up her “tough love” parenting style of rages, name-calling, and occasionally throwing things or hitting (not hard). SS towers over us so there’s not any real threat of physical harm to him, but DCFS has come to our house multiple times and told him “Your mom is allowed to discipline you.” He still went to the hospital this time claiming verbal and emotional abuse and got very angry with me for not backing him in front of my W, even though I told him I’d never say anything about it in front of her (I do feel bad about not speaking up, but I don’t think it would have done any good). The hospital is aware of some of the recent incidents which W didn’t deny (ie, calling SS a worthless piece of PLEASE READ, throwing a bucket and hitting me in the face with it), but it’s never enough for any action to be taken by authorities. I’ve also tried to leave once a year ago, and W convinced me to come back. We went to couples therapy, it was a bit better for a while, but she’s not going to change.

Currently, SS won’t talk to me in any meaningful way since he’s come home from inpatient (3 days), and my W says it’s me being sensitive and reading into it. SS had a new neuropsychological eval since he’s 18 and we just had a video call with the psychologist so she could explain SS’s diagnosis to him (Autism Spectrum and Schizophrenia Spectrum), what it means for his life (he can still go to school, get a job, etc) and why a group home would be helpful as a stepping stone (although some of the waiting lists are years). Before the call, W was pushy about SS calling around tattoo shops and asking for a custodial job (cleaning, taking out garbage, etc) and SS was insisting he wanted to teach himself tattooing at home. Do you all have a word for when a pwBPD goes on and on for 20+ minutes repeating the same thing over and over, a step down from raging? Her voice was stern and pushy, and she wouldn’t take any feedback or differing opinions. She was dictating the narrative rudely and saying things like “That’s a stupid way of doing things. You don’t know anything. You have to do it this way.” SS was getting frustrated but stood his ground quietly. Then we had the call with the psychologist, and I asked all the questions (about medicine, group home, etc). But still W said I haven’t “helped” at all since SS came home. Then I offered to take SS to his dad’s, SS said OK, but then W asked him “Who do you want to take you?” And he said “Can you (my W)?” W looks at me/says “What?” And I say “Nothing.” I’m mad and sad and frustrated and exasperated.

I’m thinking about the Drama Triangle. I learned previously that W and I alone take turns playing roles in the triangle, and absolutely W, SS and I do also. I am usually the Rescuer, sometimes the Victim, and less often the Bully. I feel like they’re both bullying me now and I’m the victim. SS is definitely punishing me for my “lack of support” and really for reneging on my statement that I’d move out and have him live with me (I said this the week before he went into the hospital because I was desperate; I know it was a huge mistake). My therapist said she knows why I said that - because I want to be loved. It seems like a win-win for me and SS but W would never allow it since it would make her look bad in her mind. W says she wants me to help parent, but then she sabotages my efforts to do so every time. SKids know they better choose her every time or there will be hell to pay. I guess this is typical in relationships with someone with BPD. Then why do I continue to feel like a victim? I guess this is where I’m most comfortable but I don’t feel comfortable, I feel awful. It’s easier to plan my escape when W is bullying me, so perhaps today I will attempt to check some things off my “prepare to leave list.” It’s really hard though because I don’t want to abandon SS18 or his brother SS11. SS11 has a good relationship with dad, thank goodness, but D left SS18’s life 4 years ago so SS18 “couldn’t play both houses.” It was a nightmare when SS18 would call the other parent, then vice versa, claiming abuse. He also self-harmed back then. He’s had more than 10 psych hospitalizations since puberty and 1 bonafide suicide attempt. I’ve read the Victim Trap (great book!) but I still think I haven’t learned how to remove myself from the trap. I’m sure that will take a long time, but is there an acronym for helping with it? I am engaged with codependents anonymous, but it’s been really hard to do phone meetings during COVID with everyone stuck at home. In my work with my therapist, I am getting to know the two parts inside me, the one who wants to leave my marriage and the one who wants to stay. I’m praying they can get on the same page.

Thank you in advance for any advice.
Warriorprincess

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tvda]

What part of you wants to stay in the marriage and why?

What are YOU getting out of all of this? I am reading a lot of giving and very, very little receiving. Is it your rescuing complex, or a misplaced sense of loyalty or responsibility keeping you in the marriage? Because it does not sound like you want to stay because you are happy.

Your number one loyalty should be towards yourself, and you own needs. You have no obligation to stay in this hornet's nest of a situation.

[Warriorprincess]

What part of you wants to stay in the marriage and why?

What are YOU getting out of all of this? I am reading a lot of giving and very, very little receiving. Is it your rescuing complex, or a misplaced sense of loyalty or responsibility keeping you in the marriage? Because it does not sound like you want to stay because you are happy.

Your number one loyalty should be towards yourself, and you own needs. You have no obligation to stay in this hornet's nest of a situation.

Tvda, your answer hits the mark. I am ready to hear that from an objective bystander who knows these types of relationships. Hornet’s nest indeed, and I’m beyond tired of getting stung over and over. My worry over how my leaving will affect this family has absolutely overpowered my ability to take care of myself. I’m pretty sure I want to stay because part of me thinks I deserve this treatment. I’ve been in therapy (this latest time) for almost two years trying to reverse this thinking. I just need to make up my mind and insist that there’s no turning back.

Thank you for your reality check. 

[Swimmy55]

Hi Warriorprincess,
 to tease out your relationship to your stepsons separately from you relationship to their mother:
~ Do you get along with the boys' father at all?  If so , maybe he could be an ally in having you be able to still have contact with your younger step son .
~ I can't answer to the disorders your SS18 suffers from, but since he is 18, legally you could have a separate mother- son relationship  with him, right? 

However, you are hitting the nail on the head in that you recognize your focus has to be on you.  Gently, You want love , and that starts with self love.  Only you can ultimately decide what is best  and I am sure you are getting support regarding your marriage on the other board.  I won't voice about my own marriage here, but the key to  caring for your kids is caring for yourself as well, however that looks like.
I do zoom on line meetings with CODA which is a level up from phoning in ( for me). 

[Warriorprincess]

Do you get along with the boys' father at all?  If so , maybe he could be an ally in having you be able to still have contact with your younger step son. I can't answer to the disorders your SS18 suffers from, but since he is 18, legally you could have a separate mother- son relationship  with him, right?
I do zoom on line meetings with CODA which is a level up from phoning in ( for me). 

Hi @Swimmy55, thank you for your ideas- they made me feel better. I do get along with the boys’ father, and when everything settles down, I definitely will talk to him about seeing SS11. And yes, i expect that SS18 and I can and will have a separate relationship once he gets to his group home or starts using his phone and/or driving again.
Today I left. WwBPD could sense something was brewing this week, and this morning she demanded an answer about what my plan is. I said I needed space, and she said, “No, you don’t. That’s the last thing you need right now...Don’t quit before the breakthrough. Let me help you, blah blah blah.” I told her she was dictating the narrative, and she said, “I’m telling the truth. You just don’t like the truth.” After years of this, I finally was able to think in the moment, “Who is she to tell me what I need?” She left for the office and under the kids’ noses (which were in computers and iPads), I packed up the car and left. She’s already wreaking havoc saying hateful things about me to my family and hers, but the ones I’ve already talked to don’t believe her. I got away for the 2nd time (first time was a year ago and she talked me into going back), but this time I’m not going back.

Thank you for your support!
-Warriorprincess

[Swimmy55]

Stay strong.  You've got this, and we got you.

[Warriorprincess]

Stay strong.  You've got this, and we got you.

Swimmy55, I am amazed by the support and love on BPDFamily. What a beautiful thing to say. I am not used to being encouraged and built up. I’ve been a different person in this marriage, and I know it’s going to be a slow journey to build confidence and self-love. I’m so sad tonight. SS18 has his first appointment with a new psychiatrist tomorrow and I won’t be invited to attend.:-( I could still be assistant coach for SS11’s basketball team but I think it’s better that I don’t see my ex-wife. She’s going to try to get me to go somewhere and talk, and there is nothing to say. I know it will all be manipulation. But it would be good to see SS11. Coaching him in basketball is something we shared. I also miss my dog- not really mine (belongs to the whole family) but he clearly sought me out first and we cuddled everyday. I know there’ll be days like these... I think a lot of days actually. I haven’t been alone in many years. I have a lot of processing to do. How soon do you think it would be safe to ask to FaceTime with the kids and my dog?
  Warriorprincess

[Swimmy55]

Hi Warriorprincess,
I strongly encourage you to work with your therapist when it comes to reaching out to your SSs.  The reason being, your wife is going to pull out all the stops to gain control of you and the situation.  You are going to have to have to have strong support and close guidance to navigate through the games.   So while I suggest you  ask to see them any time you want, be prepared your wife will not agree . Or will agree but use these times to sabotage the visit / plead her  case. etc.  Lower your expectations, but move forward anyway.  This also could be the time where you work out face time visits when SS 11 is visiting the Dad.  

You will have other opportunities to be with your SS18 during his psych visits.  

Being alone is hard at first, and I know from first hand experience it has to do with not knowing myself.  I always used to define myself in relation to other people.  Now you get the opportunity to reacquaint  yourself to you.  You will be with you for all of your life and no time like the present to make friends with you and get to know yourself. ( the online CODA meetings may help with this too) . However, take it one hour at a time. The only way out is through the experience.  Hang tough, you can do this.