Do we move on?

[MilfordGranger]

I'm somewhat cross posting as I just try and learn and sort things out.  I don't want to leave necessarily, but she has been focused on it and I'm not sure what to do exactly.  I'm hoping I can get some thoughts if I list some of my challenges I'm concerned with if we were to separate:

We recently moved 1500 miles from where she grew up.  I have connections here (due to my son from first marriage), but she does not.  There is a lot of conflict with my ex (she has NPD) and that triggers my current W and she can't seem to get past that.

We have a home that would be very difficult to sell and has a high mortgage (making it difficult to get an apartment)
We have a lot of other extra debt from many things, that will also make it very challenging.
I have mounting attorney fees from my first divorce (due to custody issues there).

We have many animals that will also make it difficult to relocate (especially if finding housing is a problem).

We have a 2 1/2 year old that my W says she would do 50/50, but does not want to stay where we are currently (which would be hard to move due to much of what's above).  I'm concerned about not being involved as a parent/co-parent at LEAST 50% of the time.

My W has horrible credit (which she blames on me, but is mostly due to previous issues)
My credit is slowly degrading as well, due to much of the above.

I just feel overwhelmed and don't know how to reign it in and figure out how I'll/we'll ever get over this and move on to something more stable.

[once removed]

i would really encourage you not to cross post.

these are not just two very different boards, but two very different states of mind, and relationship approaches. very different kinds of support, different members, all getting different parts of your story.

it will help sort things out to commit to one, or the other.

the one thing that i would say is that should you favor leaving, its never going to be an easy path.

[ForeverDad]

the one thing that I would say is that should you favor leaving, its never going to be an easy path.

Or, if you can, favor letting her leave while you do your best to keep majority parenting.

I sometimes post - I did that just this week - that the hardest step is the first step, which way do you go?  After that, subsequent steps are, perhaps not easier, but at least "less difficult".

Leaving sounds so terrible but in a manner of (long term) practical view, it's the "least bad" option.  It gives you an opportunity to establish a home as the calm and stable parent.  Not simple nor easy but it can be doable.

I sometimes quote a book from the 1980s (Solomon's Child) where a person said, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.

[livednlearned]

I don't want to leave necessarily, but she has been focused on it and I'm not sure what to do exactly

Wanting to leave (for her) seems rooted in issues with the NPDx wife if I'm remembering correctly.

What are some of the specific issues triggering her with your ex?

She probably isn't communicating her concerns with a ton of mastery  even so, we can walk alongside you and suggest skilled ways to try and get things a bit more stable.

This is typically rooted in a shift in intention as much as the actual language used.

People with BPD can and do change approaches when they are no longer effective.

The key for us is figuring out how to step into more assertive roles with a degree of sensitivity that can feel taxing.

[MilfordGranger]

She feels like my ex is “controlling” us because she doesn’t have consequences to her action, she often will find a loophole if she tries to take time away from me or other things. She also gets extremely worked up about my ex obsessing over how much I make and essentially trying to squeeze more and more money out of me and/or essentially trying to “sell” me time with my son.

She also thinks that my ex is “stalking” her because she will use fake profiles etc even though she is blocked on Social media.  I think this is probably an exaggeration and more of an obsession, but the fact that my W had a stalker once many years ago triggers all kinds of other issues I top of the BPD behaviors.

[livednlearned]

She feels like my ex is “controlling” us because she doesn’t have consequences to her action

Any truth to this?

She also gets extremely worked up about my ex obsessing over how much I make and essentially trying to squeeze more and more money out of me and/or essentially trying to “sell” me time with my son.

That's a pretty common issue for families here. Does your ex know how much you make, and is this something that comes up often?

She also thinks that my ex is “stalking” her because she will use fake profiles etc even though she is blocked on Social media.

Is it the kind of thing your ex might do?

Are you communicating with your wife at the moment while she's in the hotel?

[MilfordGranger]

I think It’s more of a perceived control and the notion of it. I mean yes she does have “control” in the sense that she’s the primary parent and yes my ex has NPD, so she will jeopardize on any chance where she thinks she’ll be able to control, but I think my current W greatly exaggerates it, it’s certainly not like we’re making our decisions and planning our life around my ex (I mean the visitation schedule yes, but that’s never going away, until my son is an adult).

We have been very upfront with my ex about how much I make, she always seems to think I’m “hiding” money somehow or cheating her out of money. The bigger thing that aggravated my current W is she gets frustrated that if I want to work a side gig to help pay for some of our debt or a trip, that my ex obsesses and tried to go after that. I’ve tried to explain that’s an issue with the system, I mean sure if my ex was a better person she wouldn’t milk the system, but it’s a system issue ultimately.

My ex certainly would obsess and potentially cyber stalk, the problem is there’s not much recourse for that and I don’t know that that is ever completely going away.

My W is actually back at the house for now, she seems to be transitioning out of one of her negative spells. We’ll see what’s next I guess.