what now

[Bricks]

Hello.
My 31 year old single daughter has been struggling with the obvious sx of BPD for 12 yrs now.
Over the years she has seen doctors, been on innumerable meds, goes to counseling, has done some AAA meetings, goes to therapy, reads books, listens to podcasts etc. (the only thing I can verify is doctors/scripts for meds- the rest is what she says - unverified). Tried to do inpt and op therapy - refused.
Nothing is working- there has been occasional progress, then almost immediate regress.
I have read about 15 books (almost everyone recommended on this site ), scoured the internet for help, tried to get a therapist myself (no success x 3).
I have been an enabler, -  trying to buy her happiness, buying her a  business to run (she's now selling), paying for and furnishing apartments (she is caustic to live with- has pushed everyone away, including her mother (x-wife),  payed for her entitled lifestyle,  and her mistakes.   She won't/can't hold a job, has no money; has no one left but me.
I have just been forced into early retirement,  and now am on a strict budget (I have spent much of my money on her and my son who also has psych/entitlement issues).
I am changing, growing, setting limits - trying to follow the advice; but I am afraid she will never be self sufficient; I can't 'throw her away' and divorce her like everyone else has - I cannot bear the consequences of her actions if I can keep her from them (like homelessness).
I cannot be privy to her healthcare, she doesn't qualify for disability, I cannot get her to even sign up for health insurance, I cannot afford the hollywood therapy she wants. As you know, I can't get her to do anything she doesn't want or agree to do.
So what do you do with adult children and feel good about it ?  How do you ever feel like you've done enough?  What is the end point? 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[endofmyropemom]

Hi Bricks.  I too have a similar situation.  I have a dBPD son who is 27. My newly created screen name says it all.  I am at the end of my rope. 

There seems to be all sorts of advice/support for those that want/need to cut ties with a spouse, sibling, or parent.  But what do we really do when it's our child?  Even if they are an adult, they are still our children.  It's really stressful when they have never launched and been able to work and take care of themselves.

I don't want my son out of my life, but I sure want his BPD to be manageable.  His behavior has been quite extreme for years, especially when he relapses to drugs and alcohol.

I feel like I am in a no win situation like you.  While he is on disability, he is very emotionally dependant on us.  He simply cannot manage his life on his own, but it too destructive for him to ever live in our home again. 

He's had a few serious bouts of self harm and suicidal idealization.  He's been in and out of hospitals and rehabs since he was 15.

When I really put my own emotion away and look at him objectively, I see a very unhappy, vulnerable young man.  I know we did our very best to try and help him whenever he needed it.  He is incredibly smart and has such a gentle nature with animals.  But once he is triggered, the stuff that comes out of his mouth can be downright cruel.  His actions often gets him kicked out of his housing and the mad scramble starts all over again.  Because he is so smart and has been in the mental health system for so long, he knows exactly how to gaslight and cut others to pieces with his words.  Very few mental health professionals will even deal with him and it all breaks my heart.

I can only say that I understand the utter frustration between wanting off the BPD merry-go-round and quietly being perpetually terrified they will actually go through with something like killing themselves because you put your foot down.  I truly fear the end point.

[Bricks]

Dear endofmyropemom,
Thank you - thank you for reaching out - and I am so sorry.  As I read these posts / links, we are not alone.  This is comforting in a way since so many family / friends seem uninterested.  But I don't see a lot of answers.  Just sameness among us.
I do read suicide threats can be a form of manipulation. 
If you haven't already bought 'stop walking on eggshells - second edition', I encourage you to.  Page 170-172 deal with suicide threats.  It says 'do not engage'- nothing will change with the BPD, but it will kill you.  The threat will and always remain- so don't fight, and seek help for yourself.  Personally, I have accepted this as a possibility, and there's nothing I could have done  or do differently to prevent it.   I am not in charge of her. I listen; I tell her I hope she doesn't, and I redirect her to her doctor and therapist- because we cannot be those people- I ask what they say when she tells them she feels this way.  If she starts raging, I set the boundaries and have to walk away, she can no longer hear me.
On page 203 is a section that talks about how parents feel , and you / we are not alone.
I wish there were answers, some magic pill, maybe someone has found it, so I keep hoping, reading, searching...