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Author Topic: Really struggling today  (Read 127 times)
Cjais

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: March 10, 2021, 04:09:03 PM »

I ended up deciding that I needed time and space without any contact from my estranged pwBPD. I can’t forgive him right now for the horrible things he’s said to me, for his rages that came out of nowhere, for his accusations.

It’s as if he believes that I literally am the scum of the earth and that I “seek out lost souls in order to manipulate them into my way of thinking”.  Yes, that is the last thing he said to me, and it’s hurt me so very deeply.  He also says that I play the victim, when actually he is.

The reason it hurts so much is because it’s actually him who has manipulated, gaslighted and emotionally abused me in the most awful way. Yet, his therapist and sister panda to his every whim, validating his behaviour, so he therefore believes that it’s acceptable and that I deserve every last piece of contempt that I get. I feel like I’m on the verge of having a nervous breakdown, as if no one believes me and as if I am to blame for all of this.

I have tried sending information to his sister about BPD and giving her the details of this forum so that she can educate herself on how she needs to communicate with him in order to help him. Continuously validating the invalid won’t help and will
cause him to continue behaving in this way. It’s where his BPD has come from. It’s an unusual case of actually having too much love in the wrong way. He wasn’t abused, he never went through trauma, instead, he was wrapped up in cotton wool and was protected from everything. He basically had his emotions dealt with for him, so he never learned to regulate them.

I feel like I’m at my wits end. If he continues down this dark path, circling round in the same self-destructive and toxic cycle, he will end up either doing something so very stupid to himself, or will cause someone else damage beyond return. I already believe that I’ve possibly been damaged so much, that I don’t know if I can recover.

Today, I can’t stop crying. I’m trying so hard to let everything go, but I just feel in such intense pain. I just can’t understand how anyone could do this to someone else and then gaslight them to try and persuade them that it’s all them. One thing I have realised is that it may not be his fault that he has BPD, but it is his fault for continuing to let control his entire life. He can make the choice to work on himself and stop hurting people, but instead, it’s always “poor me”, “it’s not my fault”, “everyone else is to blame for my rage”, “you caused me to get angry”.

I feel like no one’s listening, I feel like every one is blaming me, yet why can’t they see that this was his behaviour. I am only guilty of reacting to it, when I couldn’t take it any more. Believe me, I tried so many different ways to get through to him, adjusting my approach in order to get a different response from him, but it always failed.

I did however come across something interesting. Someone who had BPD and has fully recovered. He provides a course about it at www.thelastsymptom.com I’ve listened to some of the podcasts and it does make sense. I wish my enstranged pwBPD would speak to me so that I can encourage him to take this course.

However, for now, I need to try and find something to take away this intense pain and I don’t know how. Any ideas?
« Last Edit: March 10, 2021, 04:15:13 PM by Cjais » Logged
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Naughty Nibbler
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« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2021, 07:24:33 PM »

Hi Cjais:

Quote from: Cjais
I did however come across something interesting. Someone who had BPD and has fully recovered. He provides a course about it at www.thelastsymptom.com I’ve listened to some of the podcasts and it does make sense. I wish my enstranged pwBPD would speak to me so that I can encourage him to take this course.   
There are no miracles and all people with BPD are not the same.  BPD rarely stands alone and is usually accompanied by other mental health disorders. Although this person may have some helpful experiences/advice to share, he is a lay person (without any mental health credentials).

Many stories are shared where people go to therapy for years, take DBT classes, etc., yet don't change their behaviors for the long run.  This person might be beneficial for some people, at least for the short run, who want to spend $150 - $175 for a session and perhaps buy some of his other items. I doubt that he can make much difference for most people for the long run.  I don't believe you have BPD, so what sounds good to you, won't necessarily be received by your partner that way.

Quote from: Cjais
However, for now, I need to try and find something to take away this intense pain and I don’t know how. Any ideas?     

Best to concentrate on yourself and do things to take care of you.  That might include some therapy for you.  Do some journaling.  Get some form of exercise and learn various forms of mindfulness and meditation.  The app, Insight Timer has lots of free audio files/tutorials for various ways to destress.  Give it a try.  They, also, have live presentations, that can be helpful to share with other from all over the world.

Hope you find so effective ways to give you the care you need right now.
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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2021, 12:40:05 AM »

dear Cjais,

i want to offer you that i have some idea of what you are going through. your words are what i could have written so many years ago, when i was in it.

when i arrived at bpdfamily, i would have belonged on this board, had Bettering also included Reversing a Breakup at the time. i wanted my ex back. the thing is, im not sure i was in a place where i could have heard what it would have taken in order to reconcile, or even if we did reconcile (we didnt) to sustain that reconciliation. and im frankly pretty confident had i arrived here earlier, with my relationship in the state it was, i would have felt as frustrated as you are now.

what i want to say, at the same time, is that i read in your words a desire to reconcile your relationship, and that your approach is counterintuitive to doing so.

i know youre at your wits end. the hope, in your equation, is a radically different approach; and im sure you have, to great frustration, changed your approach many times. but the two of you are at harsh odds, and that divide is only growing.

i hear you. i know the pain youre going through. i also know, from experience, that there is a better, easier way.

what do you think?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Cjais

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Partner
Posts: 25


« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2021, 06:35:36 AM »

Hi Cjais:
There are no miracles and all people with BPD are not the same.  BPD rarely stands alone and is usually accompanied by other mental health disorders. Although this person may have some helpful experiences/advice to share, he is a lay person (without any mental health credentials).

Many stories are shared where people go to therapy for years, take DBT classes, etc., yet don't change their behaviors for the long run.  This person might be beneficial for some people, at least for the short run, who want to spend $150 - $175 for a session and perhaps buy some of his other items. I doubt that he can make much difference for most people for the long run.  I don't believe you have BPD, so what sounds good to you, won't necessarily be received by your partner that way.

Best to concentrate on yourself and do things to take care of you.  That might include some therapy for you.  Do some journaling.  Get some form of exercise and learn various forms of mindfulness and meditation.  The app, Insight Timer has lots of free audio files/tutorials for various ways to destress.  Give it a try.  They, also, have live presentations, that can be helpful to share with other from all over the world.

Hope you find so effective ways to give you the care you need right now.


This is why these podcasts are so very interesting. It’s someone who has suffered from BPD and researched it deeply. He actually disagrees that it’s not that case that there is a spectrum, or that it’s different everyone. It’s all caused from the same thing, that people with BPD, never had the emotional teachings. He discredits many beliefs about BPD, and they actually do make a huge amount of sense. This guy really does know what he’s talking about.

I am having therapy. I guess the set back for me was that I was having therapy with my estranged pwBPD’s therapist. My new therapist has made it very clear that this was highly unethical of her to even offer this. The sessions ended up being all about him, when they needed to be all about me. Also, the advice she was giving me wasn’t good advice and actually caused more issues between him and I. Because, she would give me advice, then go back on it on his sessions with her, causing him yet again to believe that his actions towards me were justified.

When things became really bad between him and I, I was made to believe by his therapist that I was to blame for his outbursts, that I should know all of his triggers and avoid them at all costs. How does this make someone learn or develop their coping strategies? That last session I had with her caused me more harm.

I’m with a new therapist now, and she’s a lot better. I guess although I am trying to focus on myself and I’m trying to keep busy, I really am struggling to find any motivation.
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Cjais

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Partner
Posts: 25


« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2021, 01:55:34 PM »

I’ve actually heard from him today. His sister told him that I’d said that I wished I’d never met him. His messages were full of contempt and anger towards me, but I feel I handled it well. I used the SAT process and said that I understand that he feels that way and that it must be awful for him, but also explained things from my perspective.

He did continue to insult me in whatever way he could, asked me to leave him alone, which I have been, he contacted me.

I asked him why he feels the need to tell people their perceived faults.  At first, he wouldn’t answer this and just said that everyone has faults.  So, I agreed and said “but, that wasn’t the question, and asked it again”. His response was “because my brain tells me 50+ times every day what mine are”

My response to that was: “ Exactly, and it’s so awful that you go through that every day, because your faults may be there, but you have many good qualities too. I do wish I could take that pain away for you, and that’s what I tried to do, but I did it in the wrong way, and I sincerely apologise for that. It was a lack of understanding. However, you feeling that way and dealing with that every day, isn’t anyone else fault either and they don’t deserve to feel that way any more than you do
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« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2021, 11:53:31 PM »

He actually disagrees that it’s not that case that there is a spectrum, or that it’s different everyone. It’s all caused from the same thing, that people with BPD, never had the emotional teachings. He discredits many beliefs about BPD, and they actually do make a huge amount of sense. This guy really does know what he’s talking about.

honest question Cjais:

are you looking for validation, or are you looking to improve your relationship?

no judgment; most of us come here for the former, and your answer will help us better support you.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Cjais

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Partner
Posts: 25


« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2021, 03:11:52 AM »

I’m looking for ways to help him, so that he can get better. I’ve read so much conflicting information. I also don’t believe from everything I’ve read, that BPD can’t be cured. It seems very clear that it’s an emotional disorder, which by understanding and learning certain things, would mean it can be overcome.

I just believe, that sometimes it’s worth thinking outside of the box and not just listening to what professions say, because there doesn’t actually seem to be a massive amount of research on BPD, so I don’t think the route cause of it has been properly defined.
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