4 months out, still struggling. She moved on so insanely quick.

[redhaired1818]

Hello and I hope you are doing fine. It's been 4 months since my ex-girlfriend left me in the most cruel way possible. Now she is not diagnosed but she has all the traits except for suicidal ideation. Fear of abandonment, history of unstable romantic relationships, mood swings and crying over stuff most adults would just look past or deal with effortlessly in an adult manner, unstable self image and she doesn't know what she wants. She is a dancer but she only does it to get validation, No career goals whatsoever. Doesn't know what kind of a person she is. Anger during devaluation over nothing. Pathological lying. Paranoia that everyone around her hates her when she doesn't even know that people need to know her to hate her but she just kept on crying how everyone did her wrong. She used to be an alcoholic, always on Tinder. She's very impulsive. Hates being alone because that makes her feel worthless. Age regression and stuffed animals. Emotional amnesia and dissociation like she completely forgot she had feelings for me, blocked me everywhere and refused contact after that and now she told our mutual friends what a scumbag I am and I put her in therapy and made her cry (well she cried all the time btw) which is also a lie. One of our mutual friends said she's literally a "child in an adult's body". That's the best way to describe her.

Lies, manipulation, emotional blackmail and she just used me as her emotional punching bag for the entirety of our "relationship". She has no remorse whatsoever and absolutely hates my guts even though 12 hours before the whole blocking charade she was gonna marry me and in love with me. During the discard she brought up stuff from 5 months ago and how I was rude to her "friend" who she doesn't even talk to. Zero compassion or empathy or acknowledgement of any wrongdoings on her part. She refused to give me any kind of closure. After the discard she was all happy: uploading selfies on social media, her dance videos, traveling pictures and I am still trying to put the pieces together. Was I really that bad? No one's perfect but I got her gifts, was always there for her when she had some random breakdown over the smallest of things. I know its not healthy but still. She would make up false stories about sexual assault to get my sympathy. I say this because the details were a bit over the top and changed in a few days.

I doubt she'd ever contact me again but I am still struggling with what the hell did I just deal with. We're both 23 and she's already been in 5 relationships. The guy before me left her because he was too depressed. I am consumed by these thoughts that her next relationship is all perfect. Maybe a logical fallacy because she told me she loved me just a few months out of a year long relationship. How do I focus on something else and not let her invade my mind because my studies ain't going too well atm. Any advice would be appreciated, please.

[redhaired1818]

Also, I have to mention the devaluation started after I politely asked her to not constantly talk about her problems at work. Night after night, it was just her crying and going on about how she is worthless and incompetent and how her clients are rude to her. I tried to solve her problems and nothing seemed to work honestly. Her emotions were out of control. Then suddenly she started to ask for more space and I respectfully gave her whenever she needed time. Then just anger out of nowhere and just crying literally a second after and she didn't mean it and she's just stressed at work. I told her this was not acceptable behaviour. Within a week, she just discarded me and I saw the rage and I just couldn't recognize what I was dealing with anymore. She even said "I hate you" and then "Please don't leave me" which I think is a book title on BPD. I was not perfect in the relationship but I don't think anyone deserves this kind of abuse.

The problem I have is, she was fine around everyone else then why do I have to deal with this level of hurt. I don't understand how she can the sweetest girl to a random stranger on the street and neighbour but verbally and emotionally abuse the person closest to her. She was always worried that "she would lose me" to just discard me out of the blue with reasons that weren't even true or made any sense.

[Bri of Ohi]

I feel for you my friend.  You're not alone . All I can  say is the more stories I read like yours that are similar to my own, the more I realize there's nothing wrong with myself as a person (a decent human being)  and I  will never get a sorry,  thank you,  or any logical explanation from them. 

To me it's like a dr jekyll and Mrs Hyde personality.  But only those closest to the person will ever experience the Hyde side. Leaving you feeling disrespected,  unloved, and kicked to the side.

The best advice I have is the mental image  the person (your ex) you have in your mind doesn't exist  in reality.  She is not the person you fell in love with. At least not anymore.  Be kind to them and know they are dealing with every bad and unkind thing they've experienced all at once in random waves.

Stay strong  and continue to work on yourself. 

[once removed]

Was I really that bad?

i suspect that a large part of your hurt (and many of ours) is that you went from being the best person in the world, the person she depended on, loved so intensely, and this made you feel alive, and understood; you invested deeply in that. now, youve been made out to be the worst person in the world, the one she hates and/or has moved on from and never looked back, and that leaves you struggling with a sense of what part(s) is true. on some level, she made you feel very special, and now, you feel the opposite.

what do you think? does that sound right?

[OutOfEgypt]

I am consumed by these thoughts that her next relationship is all perfect.

First of all, it's normal when there's a breakup to have fears that it's because you are inadequate and that they will find someone and have what you didn't have with them (with you being, therefore, the "cause" of why it wasn't perfect).  Very normal.

I know that this is accentuated when ending a relationship with someone like this.  There's lots of reasons for that.  The first, I think, is that they make us feel like we are God's gift to them at first - like we are special, unique, like nobody has ever been so great for them, and then after that honeymoon phase, we suck.  We're the reason why everything is falling apart.  We "lied" to them about who we are.  We're the failures, not them.  We're the ones to blame.  Nothing we do is enough.  We should be able to fill their black hole, but they blame us because we can't (and nobody can).  But still what happens is, feeling so rejected and hurt, we spend a ton of time and energy trying to work harder at pleasing them... which never pays off in the end.  When they leave us, or cheat on us, or whatever, we naturally feel like it's because we aren't good enough.  They've basically told us we aren't, if not with words then with their actions.

For me, I finally reached the point after over a decade of marriage that I would be content with the title of "crappiest most worthless man to be married to" than to continue living in hell like that one day longer.  Not too long later, with time, distance, and counseling, I was able to frame the relationship more accurately and move on.  You will, too.  It's part of the grieving process.  

As my counselor said... how hard is it to find reasons to blame someone for rejecting them?  Easy.  The longer we are with someone, the more reasons we find.  Healthy relationships aren't based on a merit system.  They don't survive with one person constantly evaluating the other to see if they are good enough.  They are two flawed people who mutually put the relationship first and look for ways to love and serve the other.  She will not find that because that's just not how she operates.  She's looking for a contract, not a relationship.  The contract says "You try hard to be everything I always wanted and fill my every void for attention (which is actually NOT possible).  In exchange, I'll let you try and will blame and punish you and make up reasons to justify it, no matter how great you are.  Sign here..."