Update

[B53]

Yes, his daughter was the persecutor, he is Always the victim and I am am always the rescuer.

I still would not have done anything differently. What he did triggered feelings in me that took me to a place in my past. Maybe it was PTSD, I don’t know. I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t sleeping. I can’t bring myself to eat when I’m upset. Since last October, I have lost 10lbs. I am 5’4” and now weigh 110lbs. I do have small bones, so I don’t look anorexic, but I look very thin. I can afford to lose anymore. I couldn’t reach out to him, I had to do something. I was use to being alone without him, when we were not together. Being alone was more comforting then being back it a nightmare from the past. Telling him not to call released my anxiety. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle him letting me down again. I think all that happened in the fall took a toll on me. I’m depleted. Many people here know what its like to have their BP just walk away, out of the blue. No closer.

The situation with him and his daughter, they created and I was dragged in and never wanted to be there in the first places. I shouldn’t have to be involved in someone else’s craziness. The situation is creepy. I really don’t want to be around it. Especially when we have only been back together for a month. If we had been back together for several months things might have been different. In the past I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That doesn’t go away in a month and actually it did drop so to speak.
I don’t know, am I missing something? Is there a different perspective I’m not seeing? I feel like I am not understanding your questions.

It would have been worse if I didn’t have this forum.

B53

[formflier]

OK...uggg, I'm going to give some "suggested" perspectives.  Drama triangle analysis is NOT a hard science

Yes, his daughter was the persecutor, he is Always the victim and I am am always the rescuer.

So..."for the most part" I think you were right.

When her dog died the daughter was the?  When she "had to have" him all to herself she was the?

He was the?

And they were trying to cast you in the role of?

note:  From the story as I recall...I don't think you acted in the role they tried to get you to act in.  (perhaps towards the end this shifted ?  maybe)

I still would not have done anything differently.

This is ok to think for now.  As you try on different perspectives, my hope is that you will realize that "if I had done this...abc is likely outcome" or if I did this "xyz.." 

Once you realize the drama triangle you want to be "deliberate" about avoiding "hanging out" in certain roles.  Or you might realize you are more comfortable in a certain role.

Sometimes thinking you "wouldn't do anything different" or "couldn't do anything different" or "if he had  abc, then this would be all better"...well...sometimes this might indicate a level of comfort or desire to be in the "victim" status.    (can you see this as a general statement?)


 

I couldn’t reach out to him, I had to do something.

Remind me again why you couldn't reach out to him?  What was preventing that?

Telling him not to call released my anxiety.

Remind me again where/when this happened?  Was it on the night he was supposed to call?

The situation with him and his daughter, they created and I was dragged in and never wanted to be there in the first places.  I shouldn’t have to be involved in someone else’s craziness.

I agree...they created it..right?  It was there long before you..right?

What choices did you have here?  What was imposed on you?

  I feel like I am not understanding your questions.

 

Just keep working through it.  Read the article again..and again.  Then go for long walks.  Be deliberate about thinking about other things. 

Then...sit down with a clear head, your favorite beverage and read over what you have posted.  Try to read it as if it was me or some other person that had written it.

Hmmm...that person would seem to like to think that they were (insert role of drama triangle) in this situation.

Remember...see it first, then figure out what to do.

We've got you on this!

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

How will you respond if he reaches out?

It sounds like you are willing to let things go and move on from the relationship ... ?

[B53]

FF,
his daughter wouldn’t let us have any communication between us. I still wouldn’t do anything differently. I was feeling such anxiety that I couldn’t eat and I was starving myself. I did not have the wherewithal to to learn a new technique and apply it. I was also absorbing all the emotions. There wasn’t an option, I had get out from under it all. My only purpose in this threesome was rescuer and it was sucking the life out me. He was expecting me to give him something, I couldn’t even give myself. Im sure the triangle is very effective  when you apply it. I wasn’t in a place to learn anything. You know what it’s like, it’s hard to constantly be giving and the reward is to be told you’re the problem.

We only started to reunite in January and it got off to a rocky start. We didn’t actually start to see each other until the end of the month. We have spent about 15 days together in almost five months. And many of those days were not full days. I haven’t seen his daughter since August. We just barely started reconnecting. I was just learning who this new person was. I have no idea how much self control he has. Under the circumstances I feel like this was a heavy burden to expect me to be part of. This would be a challenge to a strong relationship. Just thinking about what was going on makes me feel sick to my stomach. I will listen, but I am not going to be dragged into this. This isn’t my problem. I have three kids of my own and my own crazy FOO to deal with.

To be honest, my instinct is that it’s over. I haven’t seen him and the only communication he has sent are a few very nasty texts. I think he on BPD binge. I am being blamed for what he went through. He has zero friends, he talks to oldest sister a little, but she is dealing FOO herself. I have already reached out to him and it didn’t go well. I am the only one he has and he is pushing me away. I am not going to reach out to him again, because when he is like this he is scary.

LL

If he does come back I think I will initiate going for a walk, maybe get something to eat and an watch a movie and snuggle. Keep it light, listen if he wants to talk. Not get into any serious conversation. I would like to put all this behind us.

My T hasn’t said it, but by the questions she asks, I think she thinks I need to walk away. She is making me look at what I am getting out of this relationship. What about it brings me happiness. I say that he is never there for me and she asked why I want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t give back. I know that if I was being my own best friend, my advice would be to walk away. I think I’m getting close to that point but I not quite there. He was down there for three weeks and I have seen him for about fifteen minutes , when he broke up with me. So I have seen him for 15 minutes in a month.

I am feel so defeated.

Thanks
B53

[formflier]

FF,
his daughter wouldn’t let us have any communication between us. I still wouldn’t do anything differently. 

 

There is no rush to work through all of this...respond when you feel up to it.

How did she gain control over both of your communications devices (I'm assuming phones...but perhaps other devices as well..)

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,

She didn't actually take his phone , but they were in a small two room apartment, where she could see and hear everything he did. I'm guessing she was with him every moment, because he would have taken a walk and called me if he could.
 
I did study the triangle more. I still believe I did the right thing. First put on your face mask, before you start helping others. Yes, I could have stayed in there and moved to the middle. But there is also the option of not participating at all. Even though this was not the reason why I made the decision, my T pointed out that I set a boundary.


 I was listening to Berne Brown this morning and she gave me some clarity about the part of this issue that I have been struggling with. I have been questioning whether I was being selfish or unempathic because of the NC. I know he was going through a hard time and should that not give him a pass? Was I wrong to ask him not to call?


Berne said that to be trusted you need to be reliable and that reliability is like a scale.  A reliable scale, is a scale that if you got on it a 100 times, it will say the same thing every time. Reliability is when you do what you say you are going to do, over and over and over again. You can not gain or earn trust, if you do it just once, because that is not the definition of trust. We need to be clear on our limitations, so we don’t take on so much, that we don’t deliver on our commitments. She referenced John Gottman. He said that trust was built in the smallest of moments and he calls them sliding door moments. It references the movie Sliding Doors. Sliding door moments are the times when there is the opportunity to build trust or the opportunity for betrayal.  Betrayal is when you choose not to connect when the opportunity is there.

In our efforts to get back together, I have been spilling my heart out and telling him what I need in this relationship for me to be happy and what has been missing in the past.  I took a gamble to step out of a place where I had progressed in my grieving and put myself back into harms way. The two big issues have been trust and connection. When he is doing anything else, then I become an afterthought. If he is bored, I get a call, but if he is busy or with someone else, I’ll get the rushed call or none at all. He came up with the solution, that if he wasn’t there he would call me every night. He came up with this solution, not me.

Berne told a story that Gottman had shared with her. He was reading a good book and he was near the end.  He wanted to brush his teeth and do what he needed to do, so that he could get in bed and totally enjoy reading the rest of the book. When he went into the bathroom his wife was brushing her hair and it was obvious that she was upset. He said that this was a sliding door moment. He could pretend he didn’t notice her and get back in bed and finish his book or tend to her. He chose to take the brush out of her hand and brush her hair and asked her what was wrong.

When my BP is away from me, At the beginning he calls, tells me what is going on and shares with me. I feel part of his life. In a short amount of time, the calls slow done and then come whenever or not at all. You begin to feel like an afterthought, he calls when it suits his purpose.

When he drove down to Florida, I was on the phone with him three separate times, each call lasting two or three hours to make the drive easier and for the first week I got a call daily. A week later came the promise of a call that didn’t come, and two days in a row, no calls, which started the dominos, to fall, which in turn triggered the flashback to heartache and broken promises of the past.

The question is, was he dealing with so much there and it was so stressful that he was unable to call?

These are the things I did know, The night he didn’t call he stayed up until 1am, because that is when the text came, that he was going to bed. The next night he didn’t call, I got a text about the show he was watching about Bruce Springsteen, nothing more and the next night nothing.  Every morning when we are not together we would text each other good morning, usually he sends the first one, because he is up first. That morning no text, so I send the first text. A few hours later I get a text of excuses, how busy work is, blah, blah, blah. Next day nothing. Sometimes the good morning is just GM.  So up until 2pm, his fingers couldn’t press two letters?  Then after two days of no calling, I get this text about how bad he was feeling and the headache he had, all the excuses that I had heard so many other times. I didn’t respond to his boat load of excuses. When he realized that I wasn’t available for him on his schedule, then things changed. At 3pm, I get a text, “Just checking in, how are you doing “ Interesting. He hadn’t checked in since he had been there to ask how I was doing. Communication came after 11pm. He suddenly was allowed to text in the afternoon. What about no texting and calls? Things never seem to add up.That’s when I said that I was having a difficult time and it wasn’t the time or place to discuss it and to focus on taking care of himself and his daughter. Call me when he gets home. It could wait. Sent a love emoji. I was kind

So recap. He can stay up until 1am.  Not miss work all day, take care of his daughter and even though sick, he can stay up and watch Bruce. Now, why should I believe him. He said he would call when he didn’t and the first week we were back together, I witnessed him making up an excuse, as to why he couldn’t do the weekly Facetime with his daughter, so he could be with me. As long as the person isn’t there to see for themselves, the excuses hold true because no one can prove otherwise.

I have spoken before of the three weeks I had to go to my daughter’s to help her take care of her kids because she was having panic attacks. Never missed a night talking to him and when I got back, I got a long silent BP episode.

So was I really being selfish? If this was a onetime occurrence, then yes, I would say I believe he was really going through a hard time and let it go. The night that he didn’t call, I had already let that go. Still believing in him but it kept going down the familiar path and that’s when I changed. He had a sliding door moment to either build trust or betrayal. You either choose to read the book or comb your wife’s hair.

Thoughts?

B53

[formflier]

I'm also interested in your sliding door moment...

I do agree it would be interesting to get his perspective on "what he saw" through the sliding door that night, sadly that perspective doesn't appear to be knowable at the moment.

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
I don’t think it was a sliding door moment for him. He did what he wanted, what he always does. It would be a huge step if he would be able to view things that way.

I have been listening to John Gottman. I think you or someone else on this site has mentioned him. His formula for a good relationship is doomed fo a BPD. Conflict resolution is a main factor.

B53

[B53]

I just got back and forth emails from my BP. I don't know what happened at his daughter's, but he is a mess.

While we were apart he let his hair grow in the back all one length. He wears a ball cap all the time, inside. His hair is thin on top and it's curly. He looks like Doc in back in the future. I don't like it and have said that I like it the other way. On the phone he said he was going to ask his daughter to cut it. We were being upbeat and laughing. He said that I told him, that I didn't find him attractive. I'm fairly sure that I didn't say that. If I did say anything close, I would probably say that I think he is more attractive the other way. This is the same guy that didn't like my old glasses and told me often. He said they made me look old. Just what every woman wants to hear. I laughed it off. He also wants me to wear my hair long. I got new glasses and have kept my hair long. If I got my hair cut short, he would freak.

Even though I didn't like it, I didn't make it an issue. It's superficial and it is his hair, he can wear it any way he wants.

So he was giving me the silent treatment  when he was there. It wasn't my imagination. It felt like one of his old games, but I thought he had an handle on it. He says he wasn't BPD. When he came home he was in a full blown episode. He is denying both, but he is not being nice. I'm afraid he isn't coming out of it any time soon.

It think since I reached out to him, I think he sees that as a validation that what he says is right and I am wrong. He told me that I had serious issues, that I needed  help with and he would support me while I get help. I asked him to give me a list of my issues, I see my therapist tomorrow. He is acting like he is all knowing about his therapy and I have the mental issues. Which could be correct, because I have been living with him.

I guess if he stays mad at me, he won't have to look at the situation with him and his daughter. This seems different from the past. he is acting more ticked off then usual. I guess I will ride it out. I'm so tired of this!

B53

[formflier]

Can you share some of the emails on here? 

I'm wondering if there was a reason...a healthy reason, for you to respond and go back and forth.

You are wise to consider what you may or may not be validating.  Have you heard the term "validating the invalid"? 

Can you pause for a moment?  How did you feel about things (I'll let you pick what "things") before the emails? 

After?

 

We are in your corner!

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
I could share the emails, but I thinking at the moment, what’s the point. I know I said things that I shouldn’t, I wanted to justify why I told him not to call. At least if it was over he should know why I did what I did. I was hurt because I was getting all this hate, when he came home and I didn’t know why. I really didn’t think BPD was involved. If I had known that this was really about the comment, I may or may not have made about his hair, my response would have been entirely different.  This was a classic, BPD, I say something and he pulls words out, twists them as a major attack on him and then the silent treatment. I wouldn’t have engaged at all if I knew what it was really about. My gut told me that I said something and he was angry, but I was thinking it was more about being brushed off and not being important, which is a different issue. There is no use analyzing a response that was about the wrong issue. I still think it’s about focusing anger towards me so he doesn’t have to look at the issue with his daughter.
I’m going to move on, when he comes out of his BPD  episode, we can talk.

B53

[formflier]

  I know I said things that I shouldn’t, I wanted to justify why I told him not to call. 

Do you feel up to exploring this more?

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
Not really, I already know the errors of my ways. I was caught up in hurt feelings and the craziness of a BPD. I think most of the damage was to myself, he is in BP world and it wouldn’t matter what I said, good or bad he will say the opposite and if what I say is nice, he will make it sound bad.  I’m being painted black.

 I really like my therapist, she doesn’t, let me get away with anything and gave me insight about me. I think there is a chance  get back to the me, before BPD.

I told him that if I had known this was about hair, I wouldn’t have written any of the emails. I wouldn’t have wasted my time.  He responded, that he is sorry that he is a waste of time. Just one email earlier, he criticized that I wrote them at all.

I’m going to let it go, give him his space. Regroup. He hasn’t
called me anyway.

B53

[formflier]

I told him that if I had known this was about hair, I wouldn’t have written any of the emails. I wouldn’t have wasted my time.  He responded, that he is sorry that he is a waste of time. Just one email earlier, he criticized that I wrote them at all.
 

Do you realize how invalidating this is?

The Power of Invalidation

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
Yes, I guess it was.
When he got home, I tried to have a talk with him. He came in hostile. I ask him if he would sit next to me when we talked and he threw himself down on the couch. I didn’t get more that six words out, before he broke up with me. Even after that reaction, I apologize for not being supportive. I told him that I would be kind and empathetic. It was like, well maybe I’ll except your apology and then I don’t hear from him. The first email, I sent was about our beach house. Then there was the mean text and I didn’t engage. Then I figured, are we broken up or not? I figured that if we were over, I at least, I wanted to tell, my part of why I asked him not to call. EVERY single communication, I asked him why was he so mad at me. His last response was gaslighting, painting me as this mentally ill horrible person. Then I find out that he was giving me the silent treatment before I asked him not to call and it had to do with what I thought was a friendly conversation. Then he tells me that during the friendly conversation, that I said something mean about his hair. I may or may not have said something, but the tone of the conversation was nice and friendly. I didn’t go after him in a mean way.I don’t even remember much about the conversation other than he said he was going to let his daughter cut his hair.  I was happy about it, don’t remember what I said after that. This is the same guy who told me repeatedly how much he didn’t like my old glasses, they made me look old. All this time I’m trying to patch up a situation that never existed.

He was belittling me, saying that I wasn’t giving him credit for all the progress he has made with his BPD. Which was strange too, because I’ve never made a comment about that. My focus was on the trust and him blowing me off, I have no idea if that is even connected to BPD or just being self absorbed. The only thing I had done up to this point was ask him not to call me and try to talk to him when he got home. Not one unkind word was expressed by me at that point. This whole time this is about twisting around something I said and giving me the silent treatment and if I had not asked him to stop calling, this most likely was going to continue, because as we we all know, if we tick off a BPD, watch out.
I know this is a personality disorder, but how much he11, do I go through before I say enough. This whole time I’m trying to get him to work it out. If I had known this was about a hair cut the whole time, I wouldn’t have engaged at all. What normal person acts like this? If he didn’t like what I said, then tell me and I will apologize for hurting his feelings. I know , he is not a normal person. I’m just so tired!
 Why do I always have to do the right thing, is there any accountability for his actions? If I’m such a horrible person for invalidating him, then please shot me and put me out of my misery.

He wants to break up, I wish him well! Yes, I’m pissed off.

B53

[formflier]

 Why do I always have to do the right thing, is there any accountability for his actions? 

Hey... .  You have lots of reasons to be mad at him.  It's perfectly valid and appropriate for you to be mad at him.

My hope is that you can find time to relax and separate several issues.

1.  Should you be mad at him.

2.  How you express your anger.

3.  How you respond to ridiculous...preposterous...things that he says.

Please be extra kind to yourself today!

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,

Sometimes it is so hard to accept that what he is doing isn’t calculated. Why wouldn’t he tell me what I did? Was he enjoying all the tap dancing I was doing. I may have said things, I shouldn’t but my goal was to get back together and open communication. Some of the things he was slamming me for was so hypocritical. There is a lot accusations that I haven’t shared. It is almost like he is telling me how awful I am as he is doing the very thing as he is writing.

Should I be mad, no, in truth, I feel sorry for him. He has someone here that would give him the world, if he could find a way to stop messing with me. What is so hard about this disorder is how cruel they can be to the person that love them the most.

I expressed my anger here and run it through my head, until I get it out. The final outcome will be extreme sadness.
I will respond by not engaging. I feel no need to send emails. This is so ridiculous that, I have no need to explain myself.

He said he might have made a mistake wanting to get back with me. The sad thing is that I can work on myself and move on and possibly find love. He is doomed to keep repeating this cycle and at times of clarity have to feel the shame and guilt of hurting others. What a horrible way to have to live.

I think people have to live this to believe it. How can so many people have this disorder and all act similar versions of the same thing. It just doesn’t make sense.

Thanks for the validation. I want something that is most likely too far out of reach and I not sure I have enough resolve to handle this much longer. The only thing that will make be continue is a couples counselor.

B53

[formflier]

  Why wouldn’t he tell me what I did? 

Most likely he has no idea.  Seriously..his emotions just happen to him, then he figures out something to blame later...that isn't his fault.

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
I’m sure some emotions are like that, but I believe he knew, because everything was find, talking every day and I though the talk at the park was fun and light, that is why I was shock when he didn’t call. I went back over the events to try and understand, he later told me on our last text yesterday ,” you thought the talk at the park was nice, but it wasn’t and he went on to tell me all the terrible things I said”. He said that I told him that I was no longer attracted to him. Why would I  say that. I think the night we had before he left, would say differently. Then no call Saturday, quick brushed me off Monday and then nothing two days straight, he stopped texting morning hello and good night. That is pretty drastic a reaction, for him to just forget about it. The way he wrote it in his email had a pretty strong emotional feeling beside it. It is exactly how he does his BPD episodes. The reason I was so upset was because it was how he always treated me when he got that way. It is horrible to have someone treat you like that and I never have  any idea what I did. Remember I kept saying this was all to familiar pain. That’s why I was falling apart. It just didn’t make sense to me because I knew nothing about what he said happen. I thought he was just brushing me off because, he does that too and I thought he had a handle on the getting mad over nothing thing. He came home pissed and hostile. The only thing I could think of, he was angry because I asked him to stop calling, but if that was true, why wouldn’t he let me explain. I said it wasn’t about him, it was something I needed to do for me. I was real nice when I asked him not to call. I sent him an I love you kiss. If he didn’t like the reason, he needed to listen to it first. He has never forgotten anything that he has accused me of doing to him. He went home for a week because he said I gave him a look. Of course I had no idea what I did. I don’t know what look he was talking about. It was when I first woke up. It was probably an I have to go to the bathroom look. If he thinks you have done him wrong, he doesn’t forget it and you will pay.

When he is not BPD, he is the nicest man. Attentive, affectionate and fun to be around. Then he turns into an abusive monsters and doesn’t stop until you are practically cowering.  It is a predictable sequence of events, starting with the silent treatment.

B53

[formflier]

When he is not BPD, he is the nicest man. 

I do get what you are saying...yet I would encourage you to not "separate them".  It's all him.

I would encourage you to sleep on it...and sort out next steps for you in the morning. 

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

Part of being in a BPD relationship is radical acceptance.

It isn't easy and it isn't for everyone.

I may have missed whether you did any DBT?

Radical acceptance originated with Marsha Lineman who is herself dx'd with BPD, and who developed DBT.

[B53]

FF,

After I found out it was about the hair, it was a total turn around for me, because I know for a fact that it wasn’t about me. Even though I felt that asking him not to call was a choice I needed to make, I did feel a small amount of guilt for not being there for him. Oddly enough, if I had known it was one of the treat me mean and not tell me why scenarios, that’s exactly the boundary I would have set. I can’t imagine what state I would be in, if I had continued with the cat and mouse game for three weeks, never knowing why. I would be a basket case.

I feel for him and I know he can’t help it. It must be horrible to have your life taken over by an unstable personality and not be able brake The nice guy returns and has to deal with the shame and guilt for what that other personality did. But eventually, the one on the receiving end of it is going to crack. I have a braking point.

I received an email last night from him and even thought it didn’t say much, it felt like something had lifted. He asked me if I remembered the story he told me about identifying a persistent feeling. I remember one, but it wasn’t a very nice story, but I wasn’t going to jump to a conclusion until I knew where he was going with it. I would not have considered his answer as a story, so I couldn’t fill in the blank anyway. To me it was more like baring your soul.

My answer was

If it is a story to help be understand you better and reconnect, then I would love to hear it. If it is another story to place me in the light as a horrible person and make me feel shame and guilt, I will pass.     
His answer was fear.

I just got a text while I am writing this, asking if I will ever forgive him. My answer was “I always do.”

I feel that I had participated in some of this crazzines and need to own my part.

LNL,

I know there is a need for radical expectance, but to come from a FOO and marriage where I was verbally abused, this is a heavy challenge. I really don't think I can take much more. Like I keep saying, I am holding out for the couples therapist to led me in the right direction. I haven't done DBT, but my new therapist does use it during our sessions. So far I love my therapist. She is tough on me, but this is what I need. I have already learned a few valuable tidbits. They may not be what I wanted to hear,  but what I needed to hear to change.
 
B53

[formflier]

If it is a story to help be understand you better and reconnect, then I would love to hear it. If it is another story to place me in the light as a horrible person and make me feel shame and guilt, I will pass.     
His answer was fear.
 

Can you share exactly what his answer was?

How did you see your answer moving  the relationship to a better place? 

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

It's awful that you were verbally abused, B53. You didn't deserve to be treated like that. I know well how it feels to be on the receiving end of verbal abuse and the scars run deep.

Radical acceptance as I understand it does not mean tolerating abusive behaviors.

For me, it's more about accepting that this behavior exists in the relationship. Once I accept it, I can change how I deal with it.

I used to make a lot of excuses for my n/BPDx husband, which made it harder for me to see clearly what was happening.

I separated out "drunk" n/BPDx from his sober self, when in fact he was/is all of those things.

You may be further along than I was and can accept that your BF is all the selves he has, and that a condition of having him in your life is knowing that he is unstable.

I was a slow learner 

[B53]

FF
His answer was
It is fear

LNL

You must of come a long way since then, because you seem to pull out the main points from all my rambling.

I had a double major in college. Education and psychology. I have always had a great interest in how people work. Change your approach and that changes the reaction. It’s like if you ask a question you get an answer, if you ask a different question, then you have to change your answer because the old answer doesn’t work. I just don’t have the tools and I think I could understand the approach better, coming from another person.

I think some  of the things I write may come  across as harsh. Often the things I say here is never followed through with, some are. When I am upset the first place I go is here because the people here have lived it. I’m usually still reeling from what has happened.

My whole being charged when I found out it was about hair. It is hard to get wrapped up into something that is so ridiculous. But the other type of situation is so unclear. His other personality knows all my buttons and will hit below the belt.There are so many gray areas and I struggle to some extent, with black and white thinking too. I give him permission to point out if I use the words always or never.  Trying to break that habit.

I am slow in processing what I’m reading and I need time for it to sink in.

Thank you both for putting in the time to help me, I really appreciate it.

B

[formflier]

I would encourage you to slightly change some language.

There is the possibility this is about hair.

There is a possibility that hair is being offered as a rabbit trail/diversion.

There is a possibility that it's more emotionally ok to talk about hair as an issue, than other matters.

There is a possibility that the answer of what it was about was given without much introspection.

Ultimately...how will you know?  Or will you know?

Therefore...?

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,

Not sure and may never know. When we get back to seeing each other, I might  get a sense. He is also very chatty and sometimes he open's up about stuff.

I feel it's only about the hair because of the time table and this is exactly the kind of stuff that sets him off. There is no rhyme or reason for this kind of episode.

To be honest, I don't want to even talk about it, I want to forget it ever happened. This one was really painful. I'm not sure why it sticks out more than any others. I'm so depleted.

Thanks for helping me through.

B

[formflier]

 

I feel it's only about the hair because of the time table and this is exactly the kind of stuff that sets him off. There is no rhyme or reason for this kind of episode.
 

Reflect on what you said here...you are so close to getting it.

Let me put it this way.  The hair was the trigger...can we agree on that?

Next time it will be his pants.  Then you called when you should have emailed..

The list will go on.

Please don't focus on the trigger...that is a waste of energy and will cause you endless frustration.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF

[B53]

FF,
I sent him a truce, waved the white flag and he still came back swinging. I’m letting go, handing it over to my higher power. Everything I have done for this situation has been wrong. I haven’t made it better, I’ve made it worse . I don’t want to be this person. I should be better than this. The only person I can change is me. When your on the bottom, the only place to go is up.

B53

[formflier]

  Everything I have done for this situation has been wrong. 

Little word changes...can actually be massive changes.

Instead of right and wrong...

Ugg...I know I could have done that better...

For "most" people, thinking about good and bad/right and wrong is not that big of a deal...however...you are around a pwBPD.  Dichotomous thinking is massive for them in a bad way...so lead by example..and stay away from it.

Best,

FF