Realized I’m married 14 years to a BPD-help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It all started 17 years ago! I fell head over heals in love, the next day he said he wasn’t ready to be exclusive. I was like ok he is scarred. Give him space. Speak your truth. He came around. But, it has been push/pull ever since. There were signs. I thought he was overworked and made excuses. He is a litigator. I have so many stories that are classic. We had one child and things were still push and pull. I felt like I was walking on eggshells . Then we started couples. He got on medication and things got better. Cycle still there but not to the point that I felt I wanted to leave but he stopped medication after our 2nd. Things have slowly gotten worse.I’m a stay at home mom. Youngest is 6 and has been diagnosed with autoimmune encephalitis. I was hoping to go back to school when she became ill and I had to pull her from school. It took us a year to get a diagnosis. Treatment can take years. I’m hoping to do an online masters program. I’m trying not to trigger my BPD but the other day he was triggered by his newest hobby. I am looking for people for support. I found a therapist. A friend pointed me in this direction and when I started to read it made everything make sense. I need to figure out a way out that is in the best interest of the kids.

[CaliforniaDreams]

It all started 17 years ago! I fell head over heals in love, the next day he said he wasn’t ready to be exclusive. I was like ok he is scarred. Give him space. Speak your truth. He came around. But, it has been push/pull ever since. There were signs. I thought he was overworked and made excuses. He is a litigator. I have so many stories that are classic. We had one child and things were still push and pull. I felt like I was walking on eggshells . Then we started couples. He got on medication and things got better. Cycle still there but not to the point that I felt I wanted to leave but he stopped medication after our 2nd. Things have slowly gotten worse.I’m a stay at home mom. Youngest is 6 and has been diagnosed with autoimmune encephalitis. I was hoping to go back to school when she became ill and I had to pull her from school. It took us a year to get a diagnosis. Treatment can take years. I’m hoping to do an online masters program. I’m trying not to trigger my BPD but the other day he was triggered by his newest hobby. I am looking for people for support. I found a therapist. A friend pointed me in this direction and when I started to read it made everything make sense. I need to figure out a way out that is in the best interest of the kids.

[formflier]

Wow..you have a lot on your plate!

Can you share what kind of reading and education about BPD you have had so far?

I would point you to this article first and I'll check back soon to see your response.




What does it take?


I'm interested in your first reaction to this article?

How is treatment going with autoimmune encephalitis?  Having never heard of this before I did a brief google.  That has to be so hard...

You have found a group of people that "get it"...we can help.

Best,

FF

[CaliforniaDreams]

I read the article and honestly. I don’t have it to do that for him. I spent my whole life taking care of others. I was the child of two alcoholics and my father shot himself when I was in 4th grade.  I have fought very hard to be sober and give my children love and stability even with my BPD spouse. I honestly have said to him so many times, just be nice for 1 month. Can’t you just be nice. I just want harmony and peace in my life. The last time he pulled me in and was loving and then pushed me away and was mean something snapped. I am unhappy. I don’t understand how he can be with someone he says such mean things about. I’m ok with raising my kids and be alone. He has just broken my heart one too many times. It’s so hard to write this because he has been so nice since Friday and it’s Sunday. But, I know it won’t last it never does. He really has no one else in his life. He pulls people in and then pushes them away. If I could have my way he would get a job out of state and fall in love with someone else. I start my schooling and we become co-parents and friends. I’m the one that never leaves the room. Honestly I can’t even sleep with him anymore because I don’t feel safe.

[CaliforniaDreams]

Also my daughter finally got approved by insurance to start IVIG, which is a big feat. So hopefully I hear this week when her two day treatment will start. We have been approved for 1 two day treatment every month.

[worriedStepmom]

It sounds like you are doing all the right things so far.

You decided that you want better for yourself and your kids.

You have a therapist for yourself.  This is SOO good.  It takes time - sometimes a lot of time - to recognize disentangle ourselves from the unhealthy coping patterns we've put in place.   It might also be good to have therapists for your children, if you think that could benefit them.

You've reached out to in-person friends and are now here to get more support.

Good job!

If you seriously want to leave, your next step would be to consult a lawyer to find out what the process looks like in your area.  That DOES NOT mean that you have to file for divorce or move out right now.  It's just getting more information so that when you are ready you can make good decisions.

If you aren't ready for that yet, that's okay too.  We are here to listen.