Does BPD get worse with Age?

[wish_list]

Married 22 years. He used to have verbally abusive episodes once or twice a year, but now it's almost every other week, where he will lose it over something small and then go all pyscho. An example, this week as I was doing a yard project, he accused me of breaking the sprinkler(I had not). I told him it was my project and I will handle it. OMG.. that was the end of it. F words galore and he tells me that our two teen girls and I have ganged up on him (not, they're just too scared of him) and that I have manipulated him for 25 years and he's going to stop working because we use him for the money and that I should quit my job if I want to save this marriage. Too much hate was spewed. He doesn't agree that there is something wrong with him and he needs to see a professional.
He has no friends, he doesn't get along with his only brother. If I leave, he will be all alone and I can't do that. Is there any hope of handling this situation. Is there anyone here that lives with a BPD SO inspite of all the challenges and how do you handle it?

[Gemmie]

Wow, love. Aside from the children aspect, we are very similar in our situations.
I've been with my BPD Spouse for 25 years. The cycling between (love you SO much) and (Eff you, you don't know anything) has been pretty ongoing here. I, like many others, rationalized and chose to overlook the temper tantrums over all the years, but a recent episode sorta "flipped a lightbulb on over my head." I'm feeling like I'm pretty much done. Yet, I had hoped he would've walked out (which was the threat) because I've never lived on my own before.

As an analogy, I've often said that I want to skydive, but feel like I'd need someone to push me out of the plane! LOL! I felt my BPD did just that - HE called it quits, so I was getting that push I wanted to be able to experience that freedom of big, open, sky. But - turns out it was just another cycle.

Now, he's acting like nothing ever happened (AGAIN), but I feel I've reached a breaking point that I can't handle it anymore. I can't just forget all the hundreds of "Hate" episodes and alternate "Honeymoons" anymore.

I want to leave, but like others, I feel guilty - he, too, is alone. He has superficial friends and work people, but absolutely no family to speak of (aside from mine). And is it abandoning someone who's broken/damaged...I know it doesn't make me awful, it's just someone who wants to experience healthy love, and an environment free of hidden landmines every day.

I totally feel you. It's only recently that all this has finally been pushed to the front of my life and I honestly feel like I'm in quicksand and totally stuck! Don't know what to do, when, how, etc.

The pro/con list certainly weighs in favor of leaving him and reclaiming what's left of my own life and freedom in the world. But, the con list is also real. We DID have good times. And 25 years is a long time to just "walk away" from.

I suppose places like this site are helpful. But, so many of us are in the same situation and ultmiately, we have to do what we think is best for us individually.

First and foremost - I advocate personal therapy/counselor asap! Find someone YOU can talk to about YOU and where you're at, where you'd like to see yourself, etc. It's a huge help.

I had literally just started in therapy for ME, like 1 week before his last "rage/I'm done" cycle. So, for the last 2 weeks he's been in arse-kiss mode, bigtime. (Ugh!)

Sure wish there were crystal balls, huh?

Try to stay strong and remember you are YOU, you are in fact 2 different beings and you deserve to enjoy your existence the best that you can!

[wish_list]

thank you so much.. glad to hear of others in a similar situation, not glad .. but just that I am not alone.
i do need to find a therapist, he won't see one..
the way i look at it, if he had a brain tumor, I would not leave him. I am not able to justify leaving him after all his ugly behavior.. yesterday he said, "it's not worth it", i was like "yeah.. why don't you leave".. but he said "i'm not leaving, you pack your bags and go". and today he makes conversation like nothing happened at all..

ugh

[zachira]

Does BPD get worse with age? My mother had BPD, and my brother has BPD, along with some members of the extended family. From my experience, I would say BPD gets worse with age, that they are less able to hide the emotional dysregulations, and the older people they are around are less tolerant of the constant emotional dysregulations.

[Joshua 1:9]

Counseling for YOU is a non-negotiable for your own health.  I just started visiting with a therapist 2 weeks ago, and I'm so sorry I didn't start sooner.  My therapist has helped me validate my feelings, deal with the guilt of leaving, and has provided some reading materials as I work through the "should I really leave forever" scenario.  Knowing that you are leaving someone who has very few friends and is basically on the outs with siblings does make you feel guilty, but we have to remember we did NOT cause their broken relationships with others; we are not responsible for the relationship scorecard.  It's very hard when you know you love the person but the relationship you are in is just too toxic and unhealthy to continue pretending that everything will be ok when they calm down.  Lots of tears and prayers during the process...

[Gemmie]

So much Yaasss, Wish!

Personal counseling for YOU is truly a must. Finding a therapist that you vibe with can truly be a life-changer! A POSITIVE life-affirming, changer!

The back and forth is exhausting. It amazes me how they can (at least mine can) literally (within the span of 2 hours) go from some wonderfully-loving compliment, and then 2 hours later, dropping F-bombs and saying awful-hurtful things out of nowhere! (A perceived facial expression)

Then, just get ready (still breathing heavy) to  re-start the movie we were about to watch...Like, I'm just supposed to sit there and be okay with that awful comment...it's exhausting. The last time, for me, I said "hell no," I'm not sitting here. "Don't hit play." I left the room.

Like, they can bounce back so quickly and expect us to be like nothing happened and we weren't just injured. That incident drove to some sort of breaking point or crossroad. Do I literally want to spend the rest of my life doing this?

The Adoration/Abuse cycle is ridiculous and I can't even count how many times he's said "I'm done..." then the "honeymooning arse-kissing" begins until I begin to let my guard down again - then - Rage/Temper tantrum again.   Rinse and Repeat.

The awful/hateful comments (not physical abuse) DO NOT just disappear because THEY'RE OVER THAT MOMENT...but, they somehow expect us to go bouncing back into their lap and stroking their head...OMG, it's so crazy just to even write this, most people would be like - WTH are you doing?

If we keep getting bitten by the same dog, why keep trying at it.

Guilt is some of it, sure, but also the "good" times were good - but now i wonder if they were even real in the same sense that I see them?

Haha! _ so yeah _ Ugh, right?

I hope my therapist and I can help me make sense of the best thing to do in my case. Do I reclaim the rest of the life I have left (and have been blessed with) or do I continue to live that old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different outcome."

He is now 65 years old (15 years older than I)...I do not see him changing - even if he acknowledged it and desired it (which he does not).

(Sorry for the sudden rant - ya just got me fired up!)  *climbs off soapbox* (for now, !)

I'm just glad I found this place. I'm not such an aberration here! And while my heart breaks for everyone, there is solace in knowing we're not in such a rare state that people cannot even relate.

Thanks everyone, for helping make this site available for folks like us who really need a "stable" shoulder to lean on. <3

[ForeverDad]

Just my observation.  It seems that the longer you put up with the abuse (or call it the rants and rages, up/down cycles, etc) then the more the person lets it all out, in private scenarios mostly, "behind closed doors" and out of the public eye.  Without consequences the person is tempted, almost enticed, to push against the weak boundaries of proper behavior and respect even more.

Fair disclaimer... I did divorce after a decade of it gradually worsening (the analogy of the frog staying in a gradually warming pot of water until it's cooked).  I noticed some clues that she had a difficult childhood, I just didn't know how bad.  Once we were married - and in an obligated relationship - I started seeing rare episodes of wordless crying.  Over the years she started cursing, especially after triggers or traumas occurred.

Clueless me, I thought if we had a child then she could be happier watching our child discover a fresh new life.  Clueless me, she instead started reliving her childhood though him.  All too soon I was glad we had a son and not a daughter because she started imagining I was "probably" an abuser like her stepfather and all our friends and family.  With impending abuse allegations I knew the marriage was imploding.  Over the years I got more and more parenting until I had both legal custody and majority time.

I've heard that many think difficult people mellow with age.  Few here would agree with that perspective, at least for these acting-out Personality Disorders.

Ponder deeply what impact this will have on the children.  What example are you setting for them?  Will they see a proactive parent ensuring the children get to spend at least some of their childhood in a relatively stable and calm home?  (That was what I did for my son, though I was still an imperfect parent.)  Will they get to know what a reasonably normal family life is like? And as for the future, what sort of spouse will they seek out?  A controller and out-of-control person whose self-centered perceptions rule the home?  Or a passive appeaser, like I was in those final years together?  If you set a reasonably good example, hopefully they'll choose their relationships wisely.

As for the misbehaving spouse?  You will have to decide what you will do about the poor behaviors.  But know this well... he or she is an adult.  Probably has two feet too to stand on his or her own, or not.  Probably has two hands too to find gainful income, or not.  Whatever happens, society will not view you poorly if you say "Enough!" and end it, not like it would if you were to abandon minor children.  My point, spouses are not children, they should know better and know there are consequences for really poor behaviors.