Just Joined - Parent of Child with BPD

[mdr]

I'm a single-parent father living with a 17-year old son with BPD.  I've been trying to read & absorb as much material as I can and would appreciate any guidance. I also need to learn how to not let it tear me apart. I'm 1/2 way through "Walking on Eggshells" and that seems helpful but would appreciate any other suggestions.

Part of the side effect is he is failing school now. It is painful to watch, so if anyone has dealt with getting a BPD refocused on school, I'd appreciate any advice.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[20yearsHRS]

I will assume your son is diagnosed.  If so, get them in DBT therapy weekly until they turn 18 and you have no legal control anymore.  My dBPD daughter just left college second semester and admitted herself to a mental institution.  We thought she was on the right track at least with the grades and starting college but she refused to accept her diagnosis and would not go to DBT therapy.  All she had to do was walk 1000 feet to the counseling center next to her residence hall. 

Advice? push the independence and selective support now.  Let him make his decisions and suffer the consequences of bad ones.  Within reason of course, he is not an adult yet.  Wake up long before I did and get mad.  Do not accept the abuse or the blame.  It is not your fault.  My dBPD daughter most likely got the genes from her deceased mom and I cottled her far to long during her teenage years because well "She lost her mom".  Yes, sad, but we both admitted our life felt better afterwards.  We both suffered abuse from her mom.  I just refused to believe my beautiful baby girl had the same illness.   

[losttrust]

Reading others posts and the walking on egg shells the book is a great start.  All the resources here have helped me with my 24 year old son.

As for school.  He did graduate at a very slow pace. I’d suggest you wrap in the HS councilor and learn options for late graduation. Come up with a agreed plan   My son did well gpa wise till his senior year and started the path of marijuana and cutting class, self medicating for high anxiety.   He lost his CSU admit so he started at a community college.  Not the end of the world and he managed to move out eventually for the college experience.  And with a few incomplete and repeated courses, he eventually finished college.  Keeping employed also is challenging due to BPD.  Listening to instructions - directions.  Being on time. Cause and effect not always understood by a BP until it’s too late.  Drive too fast because he left the house late...do it enough times with multiple speed tickets rack up large fines, court dates and can result in lost or suspended license.  SR1 filing. High at risk insurance-  Forget to pay a bill rack up late fees  Overdraft bank account by not monitoring balance and atm won’t work...My warnings, my worry fail to stop the inevitable - but with these folks they just don’t believe it applies to them until it does. Then shock and awe and self loathing follows once they get it. 

The shoe has now dropped.  He’s 24. The girls he wants to date see him as lazy or immature. He smothers girlfriends with unrealistic expectations of 24/7 attention.  And he’s quick to anger. He has little to show for his age where friends are now buying condos, holding careers, buying cars and getting into committed relationships.  He hasn’t kept a job so he is stuck at entry level pay.  He’s self admitting we hope this month into a residential treatment center for DBT as he’s finally ready for help.  And being 24 he’s 2 years from bumped off my health coverage for the nicer non county ran facilities that aren’t as desired.   

So at 17 your in a great position.  Take action now.  At 18 hippa says you no longer make doctor appointments or talk to doctors.  Beyond paying for the bills and liable for damages she causes  - it’s hard to navigate and help after 18. 

Most important I found was to come to terms my son wasn’t going to be “like his peers”.   Don’t over expect or assume she will do things as her peers at the same pace or ease.  It’s a tough thing to admit to yourself.  It’s tough to not feel you failed them.  You’ll be given advice by many that have zero clue of your reality. Your future is now different from your own expectations.  And i found this very lonely as it was easier to not share then hear friends /family give nuggets of their wisdom for average kid situations.  But for my situation, all was meaningless advice.  I’d suggest you find a therapist for you, now.