Fits of rage or emotional dysregulation?

[Laylabelle]

I'm currently in extremely low contact with my suspected BPD person. Its been fraut and feels to me like devaluation the past five months. I think because I put a boundary in for myself which perhaps felt like an ultimatum to him.
He has had a rough year with a parental bereavement and a few other problems, all building up for him. He has now had to go off work because of a big blow up of emotions there. This of course is another very big dramatic problem to add to all the others. I've been the one person he came to for emotional support through all of this with him telling me im the only person he loves and can trust, whilst im feeling that he's switched our relationship status and almost stopped contact moving me down as a buddy.
He keeps saying he's always there for me which I'm finding odd, its not me who has any problems or drama, except all of his of course. I can't contact him as he's in the same home as his ' estranged spouse' and with each week feeling like he's backing further away but he's saying he doesn't want me to leave.
How do I even try to work out what he wants, cope with not being able to contact him, and stop myself ruminating with thoughts that I'm being 'demoted?
And is it usual for people with BPD to have fits of rage at work if things get too much for them?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Typically, emotional dysregulation is more commonly observed by the people who are most intimately connected to the person with BPD. That said, since people with BPD have difficulty with managing their emotions, it is indeed a possibility that extreme frustration could have resulted in a rage incident at work. Another possibility is that he may have other mental health issues that are comorbid with BPD.

Are you hoping he will leave his wife?

[Laylabelle]

No. I dont think he ever will leave and had she not been wanting to throw him out he perhaps wouldn't have switched back to me although I could be feeling this way because of his all consuming attention then dropping to almost none. I feel I've been his all good always nice, never complaining perfect person...whilst his wife wasn't and he doesn't seem to understand  how its making me feel, he's so wrapped up in his own up and down moods.

[Cat Familiar]

If you’re looking for empathy or an understanding of your position in the relationship, you are unlikely to have that in a relationship with someone with BPD. They are too focused upon themselves to really understand the impact this situation has upon you

[Laylabelle]

Yes that's what I'm seeing now, and why im here to try to work out how I move forward myself. Throughout this second time round he slowly moved our usual contact method over to an online gaming app, initially for the games, but slowly it became his obsessive way of talking to me, sometimes very late into the night. I would wait up for him for it, at first long conversations back and forth, but it tapered down to just a goodnight message and then he'd stay on playing so I'd feel dismissed. I felt like I was there to entertain him. Hed tell me all about himself, his day, how he felt about me, but stopped asking me anything about me, yet he always wanted to see me in person like his life depended on it as much as he could.
I don't know if the terribly unhappy marriage has taken a turn for the better because the beloved game at which he was an expert stopped abruptly overnight leaving me feeling used up , and I find myself analysing everything he says because there are contradictions and some of the things he says just don't add up. Of course with low contact its very hard to work out exactly what you are to someone when all they say is how much they love and miss you. I know for my own wellbeing I should walk away, but its difficult when you've been emotionally invested for 11 years and he's pleading with me to stay. I feel bad because  I've told him I won't be playing the games  if he decides to again, its  upset him but he doesn't understand how I feel about it that stopping it means he's stopped wanting the contact it represented for us, doesn't comprehend at all that I'm confused because I feel like I've been used as a mentor during all his bad times. A bolster. But his latest bad time is something he doesn't want to include me in and with all his problems I'm the one he's decided to put on hold.

[Cat Familiar]

Eleven years is a long time to play second fiddle. What keeps you settling for less than a full relationship?

Have you considered that you might be codependent?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

What about him has kept you participating in a relationship that is so one sided?

Is there a level of safety for you in being with someone who is in a committed relationship with another person? By that I mean, you keep a distance and you keep your freedom—does that resonate with you?

[Laylabelle]

I think I may be codependent, I definitely know I'm an empath,  both I guess perfect for this dance. This time its been emotional but with very raw memories of a  deep physical/ emotional time previously. It almost became physical a few months back but I feel it was that which made him retreat, and then I felt like I'd been lead on and then rejected. I've said I'd be happy to accept it as a friendship but he insists he wants more and can't let go. I think for me its more the push pull, full on, then pull back that has me trauma bonded. I do however have my social llife and lots of friends.
I guess what keeps me there is that I really do love him and I'm so used to him being in my life that I find it hard when he isnt. I just don't know how to let go of the bond.

[Cat Familiar]

This might be a helpful book for you:  Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist

[onlyjan]

Wait — you’ve been cheating with this man for 11 years and his wife doesn’t know and you’re worried about him cutting off/reducing contact?  Having been cheated on by my BPD spouse (who I believe also has bipolar) was the most devastating experience of my life.  I will say my husband dehumanized me and villainized me to such an extent (even though he had always professed undying love for the 15 years we’d been together previous to his psychotic break) that his AP was shocked when I insisted on meeting with her and talking with her.  She said I was NOTHING like she expected (she actually thought I might hit her, given how much he had demonized me in her words, while I was the one actually enduring severe abuse), and kept saying “I’m so, so stupid”, given he was lying to her so much (concurrent to the lies he was telling me).  When you say he has such an awful marriage — I would suspect you really don’t know the truth, particularly due to the propensity of people with BPD to lie.  And you have to also question why you’ve been willing to put up with a secondary position in a lying cheat’s life for more than a decade as well.  It’s going to take a lot of soul-searching and work.  Also — why are you willing to take part in something that would be soul-crushing for his spouse?  When I found out what my husband had done to me and the kids, I wanted to die.  I am not exaggerating.  I contemplated driving into the side of a bridge, I felt so broken and hopeless.  So I genuinely don’t understand why you’d want to be part of something that is so terribly destructive, and has cascading consequences to so many people — yourself included.

[Laylabelle]

I completely understand your views. No, I haven't been cheating for over a decade, yes, I found myself in an extra marital relationship with someone 11 years ago during a very vulnerable time in my life. I  tried to end it many times, but as I've stated before, he was very convincing in his pursuing, chasing and the constant back and forth attention had me hooked in trauma bonds which even strict therapy confirmed. He convinced me that he was an emotional insecure person due to his marriage but couldn't leave his home and children and I didnt want to be the cause of that either.  His wife did eventually know but didn't leave. He reappeared just when I was beginning to get over it years later ( it was me who had ended it) said his marriage was over, about to end completely and has had me in this emotional but not physical place ever since. I am removing myself from it but I've come on here for advice on how to do that with my feelings. I know BPDs lie, I also know or at least can imagine   what his wife went through, but of course he only tells me what HE feels because he has BPD and I believe covert narcissism traits. I'm not worried about him cutting off contact, I'm trying to work out what I've been dealing with because he's the only person I've ever allowed to treat me like this and have seen the same patterns nougj now to know that he is more than just unhappy and insecure.. I'm also realising that his wife probably isn't the person he claims her to be and that he's very possibly back and forth with her too and when he says its awful she probably believes they're working on their marriage  thank you for replying.