I'm overwhelmed

[Pippy01]

Background: I was raised by a narcissistic mother. Growing up I would lie to avoid arguments that usually lead to being told I was worthless etc. It has carried into my adulthood.

I am in a lesbian relationship with a BPD. She has begged me not to discuss any of our arguments or "rage moments" as I refer to them with anyone that she may see one day. This is very difficult to me because other than my close friends and family I don't have anyone else (reason why I am here). Most recently we broke up, she said she couldn't do it and didn't want the same things I wanted. Not so nice things were said and they really rocked me. I ended up venting to a very close friend of mine, whom I stopped speaking to because we were together. My friend is aware of her BPD, and in the past has given me advice that my fiance is not fond of. My fiance then came back and said she didn't want to be a part, that she rather be with me and go through the struggles of getting help, than not with me at all. She asked if I told my friend about our break up, and I said I did not because I knew she wouldn't understand why I felt the need to talk to someone who cared for me, and understood that she has a disease. Long story short she found out that I lied.

I know what you're thinking, just don't lie. It seems very easy, but I have learned that reading about BPD and learning about it is completely different than living with it. I never know if what I'm doing is right. It doesn't matter what happens or what is said, in her eyes, if my love is real, it should never ever waiver despite how I feel in that moment. My love should outweigh everything, and my behavior should never change. She says I don't validate her enough, but part of me, deep down, knows that a good portion of it is due to how she see's herself. 

IWhen we argue she doesn't like to tell me directly what's wrong because she believes she is giving me the upper hand or giving me a opportunity to lie . I never know when to be firm and when not to be. It seems like when I am firm it pushes her to the edge . She tells me to never leave her "on read" when texting, but when we argue and she says not to say anything else, she gets upset because I didn't try hard enough. I haven't helped our situation with my go to's from my childhood. By no means do I believe I am completely innocent. It's just difficult to find a balance . I know her "rage" is her BPD, and I try so hard to see it that way and not take things to heart, but I wear my emotions on my sleeve and even when I try to not let it impact me I can feel that it has.

In all honesty,  simply writing this is making me feel like an idiot. As I write I keep thinking how can I not be able to get this right? I'm the healthier one. She's the one who has all the battles to fight and struggles regulating her feelings. Who am I to complain?  How can I be a better partner? How do I get this right? I know she has to get help as well and we are working on that. Right now we are trying to find a program that either takes insurance or has prices that we can actually commit to.  I just want to do everything I can on my end.


I would appreciate any and all help. Even if it's just a story.

[Cat Familiar]

First of all, don’t judge yourself. These relationships are difficult and no one comes prepared with the skill sets needed to navigate them more successfully. 

Secondly, growing up with a parent with a personality disorder, sets us up for easily falling for a BPD partner. Welcome to the club!

Here’s an article that might be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

[fencesallaround]

Hi, there.
I agree that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.

That said:

I know what you're thinking, just don't lie. It seems very easy, but I have learned that reading about BPD and learning about it is completely different than living with it. I never know if what I'm doing is right. It doesn't matter what happens or what is said, in her eyes, if my love is real, it should never ever waiver despite how I feel in that moment. My love should outweigh everything, and my behavior should never change. She says I don't validate her enough, but part of me, deep down, knows that a good portion of it is due to how she see's herself.

This portion of your message really stood out to me.
There appears to be much to unpack here.

First you say you know you shouldn't lie.
That is definitely a fact when you are trying to maintain any type of relationship with a BPD because it is already extremely difficult for them to build trust.
But then the rest of that passage kind of glosses over the main issue in the eyes of anyone with BPD - the lie.
You go on to say that in your partner's eyes, your behavior should never change. Then you mention her need for validation. As significant as validation is for a BPD, this seems to be a separate issue altogether from trying to rebuild trust. 

Has the main issue happened before?
By that I mean has your partner caught you lying before?
You mention that you grew up lying to avoid arguments but I don't want to make assumptions.

I myself had a rocky childhood so I wasn't exactly a clean slate when I began dating.

In my experience, we non BPD get so caught up with our partner's illness that we end up blind to our own unhelpful and unhealthy habits that would be harmful in even the healthiest of relationships with the healthiest couple.
It took me a lot of work of my own with a counselor to realize that I was regularly triggering my partner without knowing, stemming from learned behaviors from previous toxic relationships.
Reading your post tells me you could really benefit from working on yourself too. You wrote many absolute statements and listed her flaws which are common for a BPD, then you asked for guidance. You didn't explain why you said you know you're not completely innocent. It sounds like there is more here than the lie you mention upfront.

I'm not saying you need to tell us all that you have done. I just say that because I used to sound like that before I finally gave in and sought help for myself independent from the relationship. Actually, it was supposed to be for the relationship first but therapists have a way of making everything about you. 

My partner would repeatedly tell me what I was doing wrong and why it was so damaging to them and their attempts to get better.
But I really didn't see it. I just saw their rage and unhappiness as irrational.
That was all I would focus on.

As embarrassing as it is to admit-there were moments of gaslighting on my part that I would never have realized if I hadn't kept a journal at my counselor's suggestion and then gone over my entries with him.

I also didn't see that I was doing what some BPD partners do myself!
I wasn't taking into account all the times I would do unhealthy things any partner would be bothered by that didn't end up turning into huge fights. My partner would be suddenly quiet, but not angry. And then I would get in a bad mood. Meanwhile it wouldn't even occur to me that those moments meant my partner was actively fighting through their initial reaction instead of starting the usual pattern of blowing up and getting explosively angry then shutting down for the next two days.

From the small amount of information you've shared, especially the very beginning, I would recommend that you seek help for yourself and your own traumatic childhood first. You need to be healthy yourself before you can help her or even try to understand her illness.
this is because while it is easy to read things and try to look for symptoms so you can figure out how to fix them or how to get her to believe you and feel valid in your eyes, when your own reality\perception is already clouded by childhood trauma, it is impossible to see anything clearly.
Especially anything as emotionally intense as a relationship with a BPD.
 
Hope this helps. 
Sorry for typos.