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Author Topic: I didn't expect the grieving.......  (Read 76 times)
Christijames
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2


« on: April 08, 2021, 08:07:55 AM »

I just found out that my husband has BPD.  I have been educating myself about the disorder, and I did feel relief for finally knowing what is wrong and why my marriage has felt like total chaos for the last eight years.  However, I didn't expect to feel so sad, or to feel a loss like I do.  I feel a hopelessness that wasn't there before.  I guess b/c I know what the disorder really is now, I am feeling like it will never be any different, and I guess I am sad because of it.  Every time he begins to go into a rage or he becomes angry over something minor, I think in my head "This is my life now, and this is the best I can hope for??  Is this really it?" IDK, I just feel horribly hopeless.  Has anyone else felt this way after finding out your partner has BPD?
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FadingAway

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 4


« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2021, 08:31:48 AM »

I have moments of sadness but more panic and anxiety knowing that I need to make a decision as to what is best for me and my daughter.  I think I could tough it out, but not sure that is the healthiest choice for my teenager.  stay strong.  try to be independent, keep friends outside the marriage, if that's possible.  I had to make new friends since mine fought and pushed away all my other friends.
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Oceanfish

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: estranged
Posts: 10


« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2021, 08:52:27 AM »

I felt it too. I had been trying to figure out how to navigate a pleasant relationship with my daughter from adolescence well into adulthood. I felt like I was "walking on eggshells" around her. Once it became clear that her moody negativity had gone beyond what was developmentally typical, I told her that I would no longer tolerate her criticism and disrespect. She was drinking heavily and regularly and I was very concerned about the impact it would eventually have on her health. I suggested she attend some AA meetings, which infuriated her. (of course)
She disclosed several traumatic events, including a rape and the deaths of three close friends, explaining that she felt she had "lost" herself. I suggested therapy for PTSD and offered to pay for it.  She was ultimately hospitalized for what was likely a suicide attempt. She estranged herself after that and has not responded to any communication.
I realized that I was experiencing genuine grief at the loss of the daughter I had hoped to enjoy. She isn't there any longer. It's been four years and I'm reaching acceptance, but I still have long moments of struggling with her absence. Her trauma and sense of abandonment was not related to her childhood, although the signs of emotional disregulation were evident fairly early on. I had taken her to a therapist a few times to help her with the skills she seemed to struggle with.
I believe that she was certainly at risk for a full-blown disorder and the traumatic events that began in college broke her.
As I learned (continue to learn) about BPD, I think there's a good amount of evidence that my mother was also Borderline. This poor child just got several of the darkest genes in the gene pool.
I've been working with a therapist to understand what I've seen and experienced and have read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and "Rough Diamonds". Both books have been very helpful. There are also some good YouTube videos on the subject of BPD. For me, understanding the disorder has helped. I live in another part of the country and she is high functioning so I don't have to manage the day-to-day frustrations and that has also helped. Her brother is still very close, although very concerned, and he updates me on her progress.
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Cat Familiar
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2021, 11:53:53 AM »

Previously I had been married to a BPD husband who displayed the full gamut of bad behavior. Of course who he was when I married him was quite different.

Then, after therapy and vowing to never make that mistake again, I married a wonderful guy. We had a few years of bliss before the BPD crazy showed up.

Not only was I griefstricken, I was mad, furious about being duped again.

I found this group, did therapy, and now my life is great. What changed was me, and by changing my responses to his behavior, he changed too.

He will always have traits of BPD, but the extreme acting out no longer occurs. That said, it’s far easier when someone isn’t fullblown BPD, but has only some traits.

Even with what I now know, I don’t think my first relationship would have possibly been salvageable, with infidelity, financial irresponsibility, drug abuse, and violence being present. I just would not have the patience to deal with all that.

Though your loved one has this disorder, there’s hope for improvement. We must be the emotional leader and make the changes in how we respond. When we change ourselves, they have to change because the relationship is different.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Pippy01

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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Engaged
Posts: 3


« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2021, 07:41:56 PM »

I suggest you read the novel "When Hope is not Enough" by Bon Dobbs.

Also reading, "I hate you, don't leave me" helped me understand a lot more.

I understand exactly how you feel, but it doesn't mean it is the end. There are tools you can learn and incorporate into your life to make things easier. the only cure is for him to get help for himself. It's a struggle and one of the hardest things is to get the BPD individual to commit to therapy. Having a support system makes a huge difference. It's not all bad, but it is important and crucial to learn as much about BPD as possible for you and your husband.
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