My adult child

[Headinawhirl]

Hello all, here is my story. I have two children. they are 17 months apart in age. They both are extremely bright. My Youngest is the child I believe to have a BPD. From a very early age she would always be "on" always demanding a large percentage of time from her father and me.  I was her class mother, her girl scout leader, her religious ed teacher. We called her "Katie Kaboom" because if she got into meltdown mode it was gonna be a long event. I use to say that she jumped into things with full gusto. I was told at a very early age she was extremely intelligent. I often told teachers not to let her get bored, because she would get into trouble. In middle school, she and a group of straight-A students she hung around with got into trouble for flooding bathrooms in the school a total of 60+ times. They also stole hall passes from teachers. Middle school was tough.   We had a family member commit suicide when she was 14  and then all three of her grandparents died within the following 2 years. She started to self-harm herself mostly because her best friend started doing it. She started counseling for it. The counselor wasn't the best fit and she was able to manipulate her so we couldn't have any idea what they had been discussing. The counselor didn't want us to have "family counseling"    High school was pretty normal, I thought, she got into Martial art which was heavily disciplined, she excelled at it. She got to go to Japan to study it, she was active in sports and excelled at everything she did. She had part-time jobs in the summer and after school. She had a car we bought for her.  She graduated with 9 AP credits and started college. At college she made the presidents list
every semester, she had 2 majors, she graduated with honors in both majors.
She got a boyfriend. She knew she was having some issues and got counseling on her own. Sure we had a few rough spots, but We thought she was doing well. She decided to pursue a Masters she got her dream school, the experience wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Her adviser didn't like her she said but she pushed thru. She decided on getting her Ph.D., she had married her boyfriend got 2 cats which she adored, and moved to another country to pursue her goal.  Again the program didn't live up to her expectations, they didn't like her, it was hard, etc. At this time she started to mention that we needed to start paying for her college loans because we "told her we would" and that we needed to step up! She starts telling us that we need to call her at least 1 a week because we needed to be more involved in her life. We need to pay more attention to her because she is the brightest person we know.
Her Husband loses one of the cats, not her favorite one but she spends the next 4 months looking for him. Now, Her husband loses his job and must come back to the USA. He is offered a job in a state far away from family or friends, we move him and his possessions across the country, all we ask is for them to cover the cost of the trailer we have to rent for the move. this is about 4 months before covid shut down. Now she is alone, she has to move herself and her favorite cat into a new cheaper place. She has never lived alone before, now covid strikes, she is worried, she is working night and day to finish her Ph.D. She is stressed. She has no one to talk to. We speak almost every week for 2 hours. I totally get she is stressed, I'm stressed too, the world is stressed. Her plans to walk for graduation get scrapped, because of covid and because of her advisor missing date for submission. She stays in a tiny cramped apt for another 5-6 months. She posts online she has some bad mental days. She chops off her hair. Finally, after submitting everything there is an opportunity to come home. I'm thrilled, her father is thrilled, her sibling is thrilled. The empty flight she was promised of is now packed full of people that are known to not follow covid protocols. They end up moving her because of these people's refusal to follow the covid rules. When she gets off the plane she is upset, very upset. She screams at us. She is on edge, we drive around the airport late at night to retrieve her cat, paying the hefty animal fees required by the USA for her. We get her covid tested, she starts not to feel well, she has to isolate here for 4 days. she isn't sleeping, Her test comes back neg. She seems relieved. All of the children are still on a phone plan, she wants a new phone, we ask if she could just wait a while till Xmas for one. She loses it. Why, should she wait? after screaming about how my husband wants to control her I simply say- ''if you want to get a new phone now, please feel free to get your own phone plan" again the screaming starts.   He husband comes to get her a week early, I understand, they are newlyweds of course, I'm sad but she says they will be back for Christmas. Great I think! Off they go, we talk once a week or so. She's still doing rewrites for her Ph.D. but they are together.  Unfortunately, the apt her husband picked out is kind of gross, dirty, and dark. She is left alone most of the day, it a hard place to be it's dark for most days, she has no friends there, she can't go anywhere, her job prospects look bleak even with a ph.d. Now her beloved cat of almost 10 yrs gets sick, she has to put her down on my birthday. I feel bad, I know she loved this animal I send her a picture of a kitten I think looks a lot like her cat. I get screamed at about being insensitive and not doing it again. They are going to cancel Christmas, they aren't coming, they want no gifts, and they aren't giving any gifts. They say they are coming out in March 2021, ok I say we will do Xmas then. I said I'm sorry for the picture. We do end up sending a rather large Xmas present to them.  Four days after Xmas she finds out we have gotten her sibling a new phone. She loses it, "how we have always favored her sibling over her, that she has accomplished more than her sibling and we should be doing anything and everything for her." We tried to explain to her, she is carrying on like we have killed someone all this over a phone. Totally out of control. She sends an email telling us how awful we are.  I send an email asking her to forgive us for not being better parents to her. She sends back a 3-page email stating all the terrible things we have done to her and that I need to get therapy. She then states that her therapist has advised her to cut contact with us unless we get into therapy asap. Of course, she wants to join OUR therapy sessions so she can "tell my doctor" what is going on. Full disclosure I was speaking to someone because of some covid anxiety but they arent a person trained in this type of issues. I'm hoping because she is in therapy now and hopefully getting some kind of medication we will eventually be able to speak.  Again in full disclosure my husbands family has had multiple people in the family suffer from mental illnesses. One commiteed suicide, several have no contact with other family members, several have been hospitalized. Sorry for the length...

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pursuingJoy]

Headinawhirl, this is a lot to process. What a year it's been for all of us, am I right?

What does self care look like? I hope you're finding moments to breathe and rest. I know you're seeing a therapist for covid-related anxiety - have you considered therapy to find support with all you're navigating with your daughter? It's so important for us to find healing, support and stability so we can be there for our kids.

[Headinawhirl]

i am trying to find a therapist but I am moving to a new state in 6wks and my insurance just changed a week ago...so I'm am trying to process it all...and again really sorry about the length...i know i babbled on..

[beatricex]

Hi Headinawhirl,
I hope that was theraputic for you, writing that all out.  I read it and I thought your daughter may be BPD'd, but she may also be something else.  Definetly, if she is, she's high functioning.

Regardless, you have come here for support and that's what I will try to give you.

After reading all this, I thought "What is your next move?"  I guess I'm always trying to find some resolution for myself, like low contact, no contact, better boundaries, to decrease my stress...  Really my goal is to be more positive...to feel more joy and less angst.  Clearly you feel you've reaching your breaking point?  Just trying to gauge what you're feeling after kind of realizing that there's some abnormal dynamics happening here.
 
b

[Sancho]

I agree with lots that Beatrix has said. Your daughter is very high functioning and has achieved an enormous amount.

I was amazed by the fact she has had extended periods of living by herself in not very pleasant surroundings and has managed to keep working on the PhD.

I am not surprised by the way she is behaving now. I personally feel that the truly enormous pressure she has been under - and for a considerable period of time - could easily result in extreme over-reaction to small things that go wrong or are upsetting. Most people without BPD find doing a PhD just about sends them over the edge at times - it is an enormous pressure. When you add that to long periods alone, the loss of a loved animal etc.

If possible perhaps try not to react to he emotional outbursts and accusations. If there is a way to reboot the relationship I would try to do that. I think it will take lots of thinking and trying out things eg

You seem to have the regular phone call weekly - would you feel okay about sending a text midweek just asking how things are or passing on a bit of information?
I can see why she reacted so badly to the phone: she is hypervigilant to rejection and having suggested waiting till Christmas and then the sister getting one would have sparked deep rejection. Make sure anything like that you say, you can follow up on - ie avoiding explosions can help things get into a better space.

If you are moving to another state the possibility of family therapy is probably not possible. If it were possible, I think it might be quite a good idea - she would get the chance to vent and you don't have to answer everything you are supposed to have done - you can just say 'I don't agree that it was like that'. It might be interesting to see how the therapist handled it.

Good luck with the move and I so hope things improve and your daughter can 'come down' from the high anxiety state she seems to be in.

[beatricex]

I bookmarked this site awhile ago, to remind me to stay stong against my suspected BPD'd step daughter.

I'm still on the fence on whether she's narcissitic or borderline, or possibly both.

www.bulliesbegone.com/blog/2015/4/9/stop-enabling-narcissistic-adult-children

Thought it might help here.