I'm Done. Cannot do this anymore

[Dogmom6]

29 years old in her 3rd year of law school.  Brilliant, kind and compassionate with everyone expect me. (or not, she has no friends)  She has always been very controlling and as she was growing up, everyone overlooked it and just said it's her being her.  Her brother changed his number and will not speak to her, she has never had any relationship with her 3 stepsiblings and calls them and their father trash.  Her best friend stopped talking to her when she insisted on making everyone at her wedding accommodate my daughter.   3 years of daily being called a waste of life, a fat ugly lazy slob, and words I cannot repeat, 2 years of I wish you would die already, why aren't you dead yet. She insists that everyone has abused her.  She states her brother was a lifelong abuser, states my husband abuses her (although she has admitted he has never laid a hand on her) If you disagree, with her its labeled abuse.  My brother-in-law passed last year and she said to my face "to bad it wasn't your husband"  Have I mentioned we pay her health insurance, car insurance, cell phone, gas and electric, cable, internet and food?  She tells me not to text but won't answer a call.  She tells me not to email and says I don't communicate with her.  She tells me I need to change so we can have a relationship.  It is constant.  325 texts of name calling nastiness about how terrible I am and don't support her and all she wants in unconditional love and I have never been a mom to her.  the result of years of this is high blood pressure, Lupus and acute liver failure.  I live in a constant state of anxiety, imagine being told these horrible things every single day for years.  I don't want to hear any more "Don't take it personally"  or be empathetic.  I have been beaten to a pulp and do not wish to continue the relationship like this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Dogmom6,

Nobody would be able to do it anymore under your conditions. I would also not want to continue the relationship like that. Rest assured, we get it.

It sounds like no matter what you sacrifice for her, she does not see it as the "unconditional love" that she asserts she wants but isn't getting. That's an impossible hole to fill.

Please know that you deserve a good life as well. Taking care of yourself first isn't selfish... it's the only way to survive high-conflict family members. I want to encourage you to think about one thing you could do today to take care of yourself, even if it seems "small". Your life has value just as much as hers.

As counterintuitive as it may sound, when I read your post, I got this Aha! Yes! moment, because I saw something that you can change, if you choose to, that could make a big difference. While I'm not a parent to a pwBPD (I strongly suspect my husband's kids' mom has it), I read and post a tiny bit on this board. So, there will be parents along here in a moment to chat with you about their experiences cutting financial ties to their adult children.

While on the surface it may sound "mean", in a weird way (because BPD is backwards like that), the less a BPD person is dependent on another, the better they can possibly do. Cutting those ties means fewer "ins" for her to get to you. Think it over, see how it sounds. Check out posts by swimmy55, too.

Here for you;

kells76

[Headinawhirl]

You must know my daughter. I completely understand honestly. Mine is only a few years older. I have decided to take a sabbatical and focus on myself. You may need some help, because this sh*t is hard ...

[Sancho]

I have read your post several times now - identify strongly with the horrific verbal abuse. We all have similar experiences and know the point of 'I can't take or do this anymore'.
What you do when you get to this point is different for each person. Some people cut off, others stop financial support etc. There is always strong advice to start putting your own care first.

In my case I now make decisions on what is in my best interest. If you think each issue through, what are the changes you can make that will benefit you? For some people it might mean stopping financial support - for others, if they stop financial support the adult child will have nowhere to go and might end up back home - and this would be a worse situation than paying the money.

Are there any boundaries you can put around communication? I've come across some others here who have the same experience as myself - the more communication you have, the more you are abused. So, even though we are in the same house, I don't initiate any conversation.

If and when I response to a minor tirade (I don't respond to big ones) I simply say
something like 'Yea well I've done my best and that's it'.

You are entitled to cut off completely because your own health will surely suffer under constant abuse. Once again it depends on what is best for you.

When you get to this point it's time to flip the coin ie focus on your needs and what changes you can make to give you back some quality of life.

[Cait]

I am so sorry to hear this. It really sounds like you need to put up boundaries. I remember asking my therapist why my BPD brother treats me and my parents so horribly (verbal abuse, manipulation, threats etc) and her response rang true: Because you let him. With anyone else, we would not tolerate this kind of behavior but somehow we allow our BPD loved ones to walk all over us. As hard as it is, it is up to you to stop this awful cycle.

My therapist also told me something that resonated deeply, "By allowing your brother to have an unhealthy relationship with you, it keeps him unwell." This was a light bulb - not only is it beneficial for me to have boundaries and limits, it is also beneficial for my brother. By allowing him to abuse me, it only fuels his disorder. I see now that when people with BPD have someone to rage at and soothe their emotions, they are less likely to work on healthy ways to cope. By putting up boundaries and limits, you help not only yourself but your daughter.

[Sancho]

I have a problem with the therapist's advice - and I honestly don't know what the answer is.

Firstly there seems to be a huge spectrum of people with BPD. Some are very high functioning with considerable rational ability. Others have lots of areas of dysfunction as well as BPD.

So if you take the general advice that the therapist gave, does that work for some and not others?  I sometimes wonder whether therapists have actual experience of living with someone with BPD - or just rely on theory?

BPD has a high suicide rate - is this connected to where the BPD people are on the spectrum?

Unless I had lived this I would have had no idea what the reality can be. I think I tend to question any advice that is just straighforward and general because of this. It's not a one size fits all in my experience. But I am just mulling over things here - I don't have the answers to any of my own questions!

[Swimmy55]

Hi Dogmom
The greatest limit that has to be respected is when life is threatened.  If the situation is such that life is threatened ( I include illness  ) then by all means yes, put up the boundaries you must.  Think about what which one(s) you are capable of enforcing if you have to ( and unfortunately , you will have to enforce).  We can help trouble shoot with you which one(s) need addressing first . You can gradually reduce financial support - like maybe starting with her cable , for example.   

As Sancho stated, no one size fits all answer here, but for something to change, something has to change. 
  Cait I , too was told  similar by my therapist. Sancho, I believe what was meant is the adult child has to take some ownership in getting better and sometimes we have to provide the incentive, by way of seeing what boundary must be established.  That  boundary(ies)   is totally up to a person's circumstances, of course.  However, when illnesses are setting in, or ( as in my case) violence comes into play, a change has to occur.  Add it takes work, guts to change and stick to the change.   Thank you for adding us to your network of support.

[Cait]

Yes, agreed it's not a one size fits all approach. For what it's worth, my therapist told me that her youngest brother suffers from BPD, so I appreciated that she has lived experience. Wishing you all the best, I know it's not easy.