More ...with me?

[Flora and Fauna]

This is more of an observation - and I wondered if anyone could relate:

Does it seem like your son or daughter is more BPD-ish with you, than with others?

I'm the mom of a 17-year old daughter/senior in high school. While at the moment things are calm, the every-day life with her is a recipe for frustration. It's like there are these unwritten rules, that over time, I've realized that I'm living with. Some of these might be regular-teen stuff, yet it goes without saying that with three hospitalizations over the years and the self-harm scars on her legs and arms ... we're past the point of regular.

In the worst of times I'm accused of causing her illness, or she labels me with disorders, calling me a psychopath or narcissistic, or overly-anxious, if she can't have her way or wants to do something unsafe. She seems to have stopped self-harming for a good length of time, but I think the result is now when she's angry, she spews venom...all kinds of things are said. So it's hard to be happy that the cutting has stopped (for now) only for her to let out what she's feeling and now cursing me out has taken it's place. Thankfully, it hasn't been often.

Anyway, these are the unwritten rules, I've noticed that my husband and I abide by:
(by the way we've done DBT with her twice, so we know all about the "walking on eggshells" feeling):

-only  talk to her when its necessary. So days could go by, with fewer than three words said, and then the "gate opens," she feels like talking and will engage in a conversation of her choice. Part 2 of that, is if I must engage her in a conversation, she is morose and robot-like. But if a friend calls - she's effervescent, talkative, funny...completely different. It seems genuine, not a put-on. Friends get the best of her.

- like the above example - there's no talking in the car, when I pick her up from school, unless she feels like it. Sometimes I have to talk, because I need to coordinate something with her. It's like I have to quickly say it, as her level of irritation goes up, at the audacity of me asking her a question. There are times that I put things off for weeks, waiting for the "optimal" time to bring it up. It is so...sad just driving in silence, with her.

- no expectation of eating together. Dinner is either her grabbing a plate and going back to her room, or her not eating what was prepared and filling up on junk food she bought for herself.

- I have to watch my sense of humor around her. I love humor. Not mean-spirited, just happy-go-lucky humor. A friend can say something quick-witted or even something poking-fun at her, and they dissolve into fits of laughter. But I am held to a way higher standard of scrutiny.

Example: We took a short getaway and brought her good friend (whose family is observing Covid rules like us). They have a great silly friendship. At one point, her buddy jokingly came to me and said, "your daughter is being mean to me."   They both laughed, it was lighthearted.  I said, "well, don't feel bad - she's nice to me, but only some of the time!" The friend laughed. My daughter was stone-faced. I remember thinking, 'oh boy, I'm gonna be punished for that." And I was. She wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the trip. When she finally did admit that she was bothered, she accused me of "airing our dirty laundry by saying that."  I guess I walked right into that one. Sometimes it's hard to mute my personality. I often do, and if I do it for long, then I get depressed, and have to dig myself out of it...feeling inauthentic to myself.

I find myself watching these sentimentally-sweet family shows- shows I would have loathed when I was younger. I guess I watch in awe for how family life is depicted. I know it's not real, but there are families/friends of mine - have a similar closeness. I have friends who talk about watching a show together once a week with their daughter...my daughter has turned me down so many times when I've offered to watch any movie or any show that she'd like, that I finally stopped asking. It hurt too much being told no over and over again.

When things are bad - sometimes I just accept these things as they are. Other times they get to me, and it's just a sad frustrating way of daily life. I try to remind myself that for my daughter - being in her own head - is hard for her. Still, I mourn the family environment that I thought I'd have.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JD2028]

I absolutely can relate. My daughter has always been worse at home than anywhere else. No one believed me until they witnessed an episode.

But as she gets older those emotional swings are impacting her social groups much more. As her peers become witnesses to the behavior she has exhibited at home, they are distancing themselves from her. So now she seeks attention from "bad seeds."

My daughter is younger than yours, so, idk. Maybe mine started earlier or just has a more severe expression of it. I'm relatively new here, btw. I have no insight, but I can relate

[Flora and Fauna]

Yes, I understand what you've written as well.

Reading your post reminded me that my daughter had an episode at school-just this year. Can't imagine that I forgot. She was upset about something that she actually had a right to be upset about, yet still her reaction was way more than warranted.

She got so wound up she started cursing, while telling the principal why she was upset. Prior to that she had built up a good reputation, and somehow, they were open-minded enough to forgive her slipping up and cursing. Still, it was the first time that her anger was seen. They had already seen the depressive/anxious side.

Seeing her anger is new. She repressed it so much in the past, and had long bouts of depression and self-harm.

You mentioned your daughter was younger... in retrospect, I saw symptoms in mine even as far back as kindergarten. Times where she was inconsolable over things that first I thought was about immaturity, but it was much more...like feeling suicidal when summer camp would come to an end...that fear of abandonment...it would repeat it self in middle school, and later...I've since seen it manifest from time to time in other ways. 

Thanks for responding. I'm glad you found this site. People here really can relate, and I've experienced kindness, validation and empathy that is pretty hard to find. We can admit how bad it gets here, with people who truly understand.

[KBug]

We have similar rules at our house, too, and I don't always know which rules apply and when.  They make it so that I'm not sure how to relate to her (22 year old). I often feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. For example, if I ask her how she's doing or if she wants to talk when she's crying, it may result in a fight in which I'm accused of pressuring her or smothering her or overwhelming her. If I don't ask her, then she will often get angry with me for not caring and she will accuse me of being cold. Lately I rub her on the back or give her a kiss on the head and say that I love her. Sometimes that results in her storming off to her room. I don't really know how to interact with her so I mostly avoid meaningful interaction with her now.

[Flora and Fauna]

Yep I can relate to that - the damned if you do or damned if you don't. For sure.  My daughter is very affectionate with friends, and standoffish with me. No hugs and certainly no kisses, except on occassions where she's gotten some terrific news, or if she's going out of town for several days.  I do at least appreciate that there are exceptions.

I have reason to believe that it could be better when she starts college...because the physical dynamic of being around me and her dad won't be there. But then the real nail-biting begins...her at college, away from home. A 90 minute drive, so not too bad, but I have to try to stop my brain from thinking of the trouble she can get into.

[JD2028]

Yep I can relate to that - the damned if you do or damned if you don't. For sure.  My daughter is very affectionate with friends, and standoffish with me. No hugs and certainly no kisses, except on occassions where she's gotten some terrific news, or if she's going out of town for several days.  I do at least appreciate that there are exceptions.

I know that one too. I usually will try to tell her that I understand she is angry/overwhelmed/anxious, does she want to talk? Then she curses me out and tells me to get out of her room. And I do. I often don't want to engage her at all but I am just gonna keep putting it out there. Maybe one day she'll take me up on it

[Sancho]

Agree with everything you have said. I am a naturally chatty person, but I am now the silent person who shares a house with a potential volcano.

Bad morning today, but then it always is after she has had a night out - that probably didn't go to plan - and was woken up by a text message.

The verbal abuse is just horrific.

[kitty1961]

I totally relate to what you are saying.
My D blames me for making the decision to have her considering the genetic issues in our family.

When shes on a roll she's relentless, unforgiving and has used social media for such verbal beatings.

My feeling is most of us are help hostage in one way or another.

My D has no job, no skills and is living at home. She is 33 and has no sign of being any better than she is

[Tuismitheoir]

I'm in exactly the same boat here. A sullen, angry, destructive, abusive teenager who might explode at any moment, me tiptoeing around her silently.

You're not alone.

I don't know if there's anything much I can advise except "set and keep boundaries, and take care of your own self."

[Oceanfish]

While I'm always sorry to know someone else is not able to enjoy a healthy relationship with their daughter, I am so glad you shared your story. My daughter is now 35. However, she began insisting I follow a very rigid set of rules when she was in high school and by the time she was off at college I began to worry that what I first thought was typical adolescent behavior wasn't going away. Her rules involved, for example, communication. I wasn't allowed to text her or communicate with her on Messenger. She didn't like to talk on the phone or email. When we were together, she monitored everything I said and did and was extremely critical. There were plenty of indicators beyond that of something being off but I didn't know what we were dealing with, in spite of taking her to a therapist several times. I finally put my foot down (thinking she was healthy, but just very anal and controlling and extremely disrespectful) and told her I was tired of walking on eggshells (I didn't know about the book at that time) and I was no longer going to tolerate the disrespect. The result has been a four-year estrangement that began with her telling me the therapist she saw after her first hospitalization believes that I have BPD.
It's quite likely we'll never connect again and my heart is broken, but I'm adapting to my new normal. She's okay, according to her brother. She's working and seeing a therapist. I can remove myself from the mix because of her relationship with her brother and I must say it's much easier.