Seeking immediate advice on son and his BPD gf - imminent living situation

[Selenium]

  My 19 year old autistic son has a new girlfriend with bpd. They may last month. Since the time they met, he has dropped out of college (not her fault but her appearance was the final nail in that coffin) and has now moved back home. He has a new full time job, is fixing his old car, and is planning to move into a rental house we own with his new gf as soon as he has enough money to start paying rent which will probably be another month or two.

She is not from this area, and lives a couple of hours away. She has been kicked out of both her parents' homes for violence, has been in state's care and juvenile detention, has no friends, and has no family who will take her in. She had a temporary living situation last week but was kicked out of there as well. Her mother had a no trespass order against her daughter but has lifted it temporarily and allowed her daughter to come back home so she is not on the street. The daughter was denied a placement at a group living shelter yesterday. I do not blame her mother for the trespass order as she has described the abuse and even assault her daughter has inflicted on her over the years, and I know she has bent her own boundaries to allow her to come back home.

We are happy our son is home because we feel we can better help him get on his feet with a job, etc., and keep a better eye on him. Because of his autism he is an atypical person and needs a little more help. However, we are very apprehensive to have this girl move into the rental home with him, knowing her history. Since they are adults and he would be paying rent, we can't tell them not to be together, but as landlords we still have control over who lives in the house.

We have considered that it would almost be better if our son moved up to her town instead of her moving here. He would definitely struggle more in finding a job and being on his own, but that way she still has access to some family members peripherally and could get to her therapist etc. If she moves down here, she will not know a soul. And without transportation of her own and with my son working full-time, she would be alone 10 hours a day, which is a recipe for disaster. We have already told him that we would be unable to help her should she have a crisis as we both work, and we also have a 14 yr old daughter at home to consider. At least if he moves up there and things go south, he can leave her and come back home. If they are both living here, he would be faced with evicting her onto the street should things not work out between them, and I don't know he would have the heart to do that, as he thinks he is her White Knight. I don't know where they could afford to live up there as they have no money at the moment but I guess that would be their decision.

The best thing that could happen would be for them to break up, but this is my son's first real relationship and he is in the love-bomb phase. He would do anything at this point to keep her around and is ignoring or excusing all the red flags he must be seeing.

Thoughts? Opinions? We are at such a loss of what to do.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[beatricex]

Hi Selenium,

I think it is within your rights as the owners of the rental who you will allow to live there.  Do you plan to make a lease and only list your son?  That would formalize it for the courts.  If she does any damage while there you could then immediately call the police.

b

[Naughty Nibbler]

Sorry about your situation.  I'd lean towards your son going to GF's community. Another option might be to rent you property to a stranger & then help your son out with his rent for awhile (somewhere else).  Since GF is violent, I wouldn't cosign for any rental/lease, where she might stay.

Be sure to do a deep dive into tenant law for where you live.  I live in California and it doesn't take very long for a guest to convert to being a tenant, and thereby require eviction proceedings to get them out (It can take several months). 

Since the early days of Covid, CA has taken a position that renters/leasers can choose to NOT pay their monthly fee and CAN't be evicted.  Supposedly, they have to eventually pay it, but once it reaches thousands of dollars, most will probably just disappear. California is crazy.  Your state might be very different in regard to tenants/renters, but best to be aware of the worst possible situation.

How might you son react, when his GF gets violent or verbally abusive?  Does he have some triggers?

[Selenium]

This is great advice. Thank you so much. I will definitely look into tenant law. I don’t actually know how he will react should she become violent with him. I’m pretty sure nothing like that has ever happened to him. He doesn’t really have any triggers per say, other than people outright lying to him. I realize the irony of that statement, seeing as she has already lied to him. But he can’t see yet that it is all a lie.

[Sancho]

I like Naughty Nibbler's suggestion re renting your own place and giving x amount towards  your son renting somewhere else - in gf community perhaps.

It would be much better to have them account to someone else as a landlord than yourself - conflicting roles can be chaotic.

If they rent to someone else, things can take their course and if a separation occurs it would be easier.

Not sure if you have thought about possible pregnancy  . . . . .

[Selenium]

Thank you so much. Yes, we have definitely thought about pregnancy. The GF was supposed to go get her shot, but for some reason didn’t and ended up with pills. We have insisted that she get the shot instead as she already has difficulty remembering her other meds. Pregnancy is definitely the scariest possibility of them all.

[PearlsBefore]

Unfortunately pregnancy may NOT be the worst case scenario here, you have to keep in mind that most pwBPDs have a history of childhood trauma that leads them to accuse caretakers of sexual assault...a year from now your son could be in prison awaiting trial on a fictitious claim of rape.

Similarly, pwBPD issues with addiction, there's a relatively high chance that she'll be bringing drugs into his life; that can be a decade or a lifetime of stress and heartbreak for you.

I suspect I'm getting a reputation around here for being a bit of a doomsayer due to the fact one of my pwBPDs has been ummm, well yeah. But honestly, your son's g/f sounds like she's shaping up to be the same. Get him to phone me for a consult on what a lifetime with that personality type is like, he'll run screaming from her, heh.

In all seriousness, how about telling him he can't move in with her until he completes the Family Connections course? Ideally in person, not online, of course - you have to be able to SEE the ptsd in caretakers' faces as they discuss being stabbed, bankrupted, gaslit and imprisoned for trying to care for their loved ones with pwBPD. It's not everybody in the group, but it's 10-20% of them and they WILL cry and start twitching...it's ugly, but it's the reality. Also, there are muffins.

A minor plan while you're working on the major plan, why not "coincidentally" have a few movienights with him - try Clint Eastwood's "Play Misty For Me", or binge-watching the 2020 "Lost in Space", some outlets that don't romanticize or play up the "poor tragic girl who needs saving" aspect of BPD but show its more raw side.

[beatricex]

Hi again Selenium,
I agree in spirit with what Pearlsbefore eludes too...you need to make your thoughts as (objective) parents known.

Not, with a movie (too obscure) but with a tough love talk.

Son, why do you want to move in with someone you only met last month?  Son, why do you think we should allow her to move in to our rental given her past?  Son, have you thought about how difficult your life will become given her past?

That sort of thing.

Sometimes the worst thing we do as parents is withhold our true feelings.  I think you expressed them here, but did you tell your son this?  Son, the best thing for you would be if you broke up.  I mean, it's your first real relationship.  Those don't typically turn into marriage.  There's a reason they're called "the first relationship" it distinguishes it from the honest and genuine one that comes next - the one your parent's approve of.

Radical?  I don't know, we watched our step daughter pick one bad dude after another, and after a string of them, I decided I'm not holding back.  Her picker is broke.  I'm gonna tell her what I really feel, cause that's why it's called "tough love."  She might hate me in the moment for it, but maybe later thank me.

b

[Sancho]

I agree with you Selenium that pregnancy is the scariest part. It adds such complexity - not just for the young couple who have huge issues to deal with themselves: the effect on the extended families is enormous, not to mention the effect on the baby.

You can read others' posts about how life is as a parent/step parent/parent in law of someone with BPD and a baby. It can be complex and heart breaking.

I am so glad you are on top of this.

[Selenium]

We have talked to him about all these things and have made our feelings and opinions known. I even went so far as to say to him that the best thing he could do for them both at this point is to let her go. He said - not an option. We then talked about why they want to live together so soon. His answer - because she literally has nowhere else to go and will be on the street. We have talked to him about what his daily life will be like - that it will be very hard for him to keep a job if he is constantly having to deal with her daily crises and leave work to rescue her. He does seem to see that that will be a problem for sure.

We have realized that we, as parents, are not as able to criticize her without also criticizing him. We also know that she will use all her manipulation tactics to drive a wedge between us and our son. We are hoping that by talking with him instead about what he wants his life to look like in the future, about what his boundaries and "deal-breakers" are, about the hallmarks of BPD and those effects on his life, etc., he will begin to see that he needs to be thinking about the larger picture.

[Sancho]

Gosh you are doing a fantastic job!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders