I'm married to a loose cannon losing his grasp on reality

[At Bay]

Introduction
I posted here for 8 yrs, stopping in 2009 after our son moved his young family 2,000 mi. away, the state his wife was from. Problem was, I was considering leaving his father who has been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having traits of three different personality disorders. Also, a counselor who was a former director of a domestic violence center told my dbpdh after 10 yrs of counseling that he had PTSD from his unstable mother. He had been to that center after I told him it looked like, sooner or later, he was going to get himself arrested.

I hate imposing on anyone, but had been hoping son could assist me in a health emergency, though I've never shared our marriage problems with him because Dbpdh is good to him. When I could no longer help with little grandkids due to spinal canal problems, her parents were much younger and eager.

My therapist for four years told me she is supposed to advise someone married 30 yrs to stay. Her alternate advice was to go to assisted living on my own. I love my little house with patio trees and pretty flowers, peace and quiet and independence with h's help.  I’m really enjoying being Grandma and Grandpa to five blended grandkids while he wants to act like a fool. We’re in our 70’s!

He’s demanding I believe he’s never cheated, when I know the latest woman’s first name, city and telephone no. I’ve also seen her reaction the first time she saw me with him at the dry cleaners—as he drove away she gave him a menacing look for bringing me with him. That was the same week he threw a clipboard at me, followed by his decision to begin taking Abilify again as penance I suppose. I've heard her on his voice mail asking why he wasn’t on his computer the day I said "stay off!" or we won’t be ready for our son’s visit. I have seen a text when they met early for breakfast after he told me he was going to the gym early on a Sunday morning for the first time. Usually used “weight workout day” to stay gone for hours. Errands lasting all day on her day off, sudden front end alignment problems (with the car), and no appt, so it would take "a long time." Dealership said to return when they were unsure they tightened something correctly...on and on. All on Fridays.

He has picked up women who work at our dry cleaners. I’ve caught him hiding behind the garage talking to a different woman, after I figured out a way to see his mobile account. When I told him what I knew and that that I just wanted it to stop, and this will surprise no one, he actually said, “How was I lying to you?”

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

A bunch of different issues here:
You have a long term marriage.

You have health issues that require assistance to live in the home you love.

You have a husband who has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorders.

You suspect you have a husband who cheats, whether or not it’s a physical affair—it’s something, and he insists that you believe in his innocence.

Do you feel safe? What are the behaviors he has exhibited that you think might lead to an arrest?

Some years ago you were considering leaving him. Is that still a possibility? And if so, is there a way you could remain in your house and get assistance?

[At Bay]

Thank you, Cat Familiar, and to answer your first question, in the last 10 yrs I’ve seen him check himself before beginning to yell at me or throw things. Simultaneously, he’s seen a big change in me where I stopped believing covering for him and keeping up appearances was my responsibility. Secondly, this last yr was the rare scene when he threw the clipboard between the lamp and wall toward me while I sat on the sofa. Scared him into calling his doctor. I learned on this board that I can control my reactions, and he’s stopped saying he’ll get so mad I have to call the police. Twenty yrs ago he sought real help after pushing me into a clothes dryer.

I suppose there is a chance of only an emotional affair. But we had avoided each other for so long there were hollows in the mattress where we slept and a rise in the center where I once accidentally rolled over near him and he said he “just wanted to lie there and relax.” I told him to calm down. That was our life, but no more.

The change began after he realized I knew her name and recognized her Balkan Peninsula accent from our cleaners. Followed immediately by the strangest thing yet, even for him: he “switched mares in mid-stream,” so to speak. He “playfully” grabbed me and since then has been kissing me all day—sitting beside me on the sofa holding hands, although he slipped up one night, forgot where he was in the dark room and said it was ”time to hit the road.”

But last week as I filled out an online form for a new doctor, I typed in my land line # on his desktop PC and it overrode my number with hers!  I said for him to look at this—never expecting him to resume implausible excuses and calling me a liar. I don’t care to hear details, don’t ask questions, and am sure it was from the previous old habit messaging her every day and a screen name was her phone # ?. I want him to stop gas lighting me --just stop saying it didn’t happen. He  wants me to believe him because otherwise I could tell people (his words). I asked if he ever noticed I’m private person and trying to salvage some dignity?

[Cat Familiar]

He’s maintained the illusion this long; it’s doubtful if he will voluntarily fess up. Does he need to be caught in flagrante delicto before he will acknowledge reality?

And what benefit is it to you for him to admit he’s been having some sort of relationship? You can see it with your own eyes.

[At Bay]

I meant to answer your other questions that were very thought-provoking.

Cat Familiar’s other 2 questions:  “Some years ago you were considering leaving him. Is that still a possibility?“

I’ve weathered moves to other cities, changing jobs and husbands, and reared a child who wouldn’t do homework, while I assured teachers he didn’t get it from my side of the family. Looking competent is a faint memory and now I lack initiative which is common at this age, I read.

Cat Familiar asked “And if so, is there a way you could remain in your house and get assistance?”

I know if my husband left, with possible resources to feel safer alone at night—panic buttons, etc., I might overcome that fear. Food deliveries are affordable, people to hire, but healthcare—doctor appts, medicine, rides and needing to ask someone with his or her own family and health problems to go with me to a hospital and be that person in the waiting room, would put me in a pitiful position in my own mind. Life as I know it, over. I see women lose husbands through death, but widowhood is not a choice. A logical change instead. Since I’m 5-1/2 yrs older than he, I expect it is all on me if a real mess is avoided.

With h around life is easier although at one point it appeared his girlfriend wanted him to stop driving me places. His sudden snide remarks that I could have driven myself that day and could drive home, and when I said the glare is bad because I need cataract surgery. He said: both eyes?

[At Bay]

True, what is the point? False hope and satisfaction believing we'd moved on, only to be reminded I might not have the stomach for this after early-on watching him smile and lie his head off. Switched back to my one word reply last week: bologna. Now we have a trip to rebook to see our son & family, and I get reminded I need his help.