Ex Wife alienated children and is literally evil

[Persecuted]

My husband was told by two psychiatrists that his ex wife seemed to manifest the clear signs of bpd. They were in counseling. He was told they rarely seek help and they were divorcing so he didnt tell her.
Fast forward, they divorced and we met and married. There are 3 kids, all adults now. Over the years i did everything i could for them while always making clear i was only the step mother and decisions were up to their mom and dad.
While i would see her lie about whether or not the kids had to spend court-mandated time with their father, say truly nasty ( wouldnt it be funny if our dog attacked her dog and killed it? ) things or ruin surprises i tried to organize, i took the tales of malice with a grain of salt. As the years passed i helped one of the kids get much needed services for a disability and things improved a bit. Till she got jealous. Her grandmother told my spouse’s mother to “ watch out for her-she’s a snake. She’s the most vindictive person i have ever met “.  She was right. She told lies, made the disabled child ask very stupid mean-girl questions then used my reactions against me until i realized what was going on. She told the kids lies and unfairly bashed their father. . Two of the three stopped seeing us. She is clearly ill but they are adults and yet Cleve to her. We finally drew lines and said we were sick of having our integrity falsely impugned without ever being given the chance to oresent our side of things One seems abnormally close. Is there a chance they will wake up or do we just give up?

[Waddams]

They won't wake up until they are one-on-one with their mom only and you aren't present to participate in the drama cycles anymore. Once you aren't in the picture to be targeted, their mom will eventually turn her dysfunction on them. They'll wake up then. Don't expect them to come running back though. When you lie down with dogs, you get fleas. They'll have a lot of fleas (ie-their own dysfunctions) learned from their mother and need some deprogramming.  You won't be qualified for how to deprogram them either, it will take help from a counselor. You'll need to be welcoming but keep it casual and not let them get close at first, take reunification in baby steps. Maybe even engage a reunification therapist to help guide things.

It will be a balance of holding them accountable for their own choices while also allowing for grace towards them for the programming and influence from their mother. You won't know the right balance until you're into the effort either.

For now, I'd suggest keep your distance, don't chase the ones that have removed themselves, let the one that hasn't lead the interactions as he/she wants. And otherwise go live your lives and wait for the collapse to happen in the future.

[worriedStepmom]

I'm so sorry  your family is going through this.  It is really hard.

Do you know very much about validation?  I think this is going to be key to keeping the relationship with the child who is still speaking to you.  We have an intro page here: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating  There is also a lot of information to be found online, or a therapist can really help you build these skills.

Basically, validation is a way to address the emotions your stepkid is feeling without arguing about the facts.   
 It's something most of us aren't really good at.  When I married my H, my stepkid was 4.  Every time she'd come over, I'd hear "Mommy says..." and something negative about me.   I'd respond along the lines of "how did it make you feel when Mommy said that?"  or "What do you think about that?" or "Goodness, I'd be really angry/sad/confused if I thought someone I loved said/did that."  We focused on the emotions, and after we talked through those, sometimes I'd ask "do you want to hear what I think?" and, if she said yes, I'd gently state my side.  Never, ever badmouthed mom - our code phrase was "mom must have been confused".

My therapist was critical in teaching me these skills, and they've come in handy in a lot of situations.

[ForeverDad]

On a lighter side...

Our member david years ago had his boys come back from their mother's home one day and tell him he was a monster.  So he acted like Frankenstein's monster and chased them around the house.  They had great fun.  He diverted their mother's accusation into a hide and seek game of sorts.  He defused her tactic, at least that time.

Today he has a good relationship with his kids.  She had two older children, one is closer to him, a former stepfather, than her.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry your family is dealing with this and unfortunately it's not uncommon for the pwBPD to rally family members to their "side" against the other(s). See the Karpman triagle for a good explanation of this.


In my family it was BPD mother who lied to her family and friends about me and I am not sure exactly what she told them about me but they believed I am the one with the emotional problems. I too was shocked that grown adults would go along with this and not just used their own observations. The differences in our behavior are not subtle, but she lies, a lot and seems to have no conscience about who she hurts with her lies.


I realized she has set the lens for how they see me. If I say anything to defend myself, I play into her story. So I don't. I rarely encounter her family but I am polite and cordial and stay neutral. Either they figure it out on their own or not. I think they are beginning to but I won't discuss it.

It's a sad and difficult situation and with your adult children, I think my only advice is to stay neutral. If you decide to cut contact, you are the bad guy, if you pursue and try to clear the picture- you're the bad guy. So keep the door open for them to contact you, if they ever decide to, with neutral communications. Know that anything and everything you say to them will be shared with their mother ( as is the case in my family)

Send birthday cards to them, holiday cards. If they have kids- send the kids cards as well with something modest in them, like a $5-10 bill for a treat. Nothing costly or that would make them feel obligated. Just say things like "thinking of you, hope you have a happy birthday" and that's it. The door is open and hopefully one day they will decide to contact you. For the one who is in contact with you, be careful to not triangulate.

Sometimes time has the answer. BPD mom has blown up a few times at the relatives. I think they are beginning to see it might be an issue with her. I don't know, and do not wish to get into it with them. Sooner or later your kids may question their mother's behavior - or not- but I think it's best to leave it to them to decide.

[GaGrl]

My husband has three adult children with his uNPD/BPD wife. They were all adults when we met and married and the two daughters had very difficult teen years with their mother. As teens, all three begged DH to divorce her. After years of separation, DH met and married me, and his ex promptly started to disparage me and our relationship, complete with lies and disinformation. It didn't work. I learned not to discuss her with the kids, unless they brought the subject up and sought advice. The son is the GC and enmeshed. The two daughters do much better with boundaries that protect their daughters, although they still sometimes get lured into trusting her, only to be proved wrong.

Be patient. It has taken us 15 years to get to where we are now.

[Sluggo]

This guy's perspective has helped me a bunch on understanding what the kids must be feeling and how they cope with it.   It softens the hurt I feel by understanding theirs better. 

This is one of his many videos on the subject

https://youtu.be/4e-IPsibMJc  - hating half yourself

https://youtu.be/uBbf-6XDnzA  -  when kids realize they were being lied to