This horrible school year is almost over...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hmm...anyone think I have an opinion?

FFw is teacher, we have kids in high school, middle and elementary...so once we graphed out what would happen with covid exposures and "go home rules"...we realized that it would be mass chaos if all our kids were in school.

So..FFw teaches in person and kids are 100% virtual.

Yes it was more stable for them..the in person kids had several sessions of the entire school closing for weeks at a time to "clear outbreaks".

Plus I was "high risk" and we have several elderly high risk people.

So...on the one hand I'm convinced that we made the right choice based on what we knew at the time...I'm also convinced I NEVER want to do this again

Essentially there is one more day until finals are over.  D15 just popped in the room and was excited to get a good grade on one of her finals..and the class for the semester.

Uggg...almost over.

I get it this thread perhaps doesn't "exactly fit" here..but perhaps others can share stories of endurance, resilience and thankfulness that we appear to be "turning a corner" on this thing...COVID.

And..no more.  I get it we likely "won't go back to normal"...but there has to be a "new normal"...

We could also talk about the problems with virtual school..from a parenting point of view.

Best,

FF

[formflier]

Hmm...anyone think I have an opinion?

FFw is teacher, we have kids in high school, middle and elementary...so once we graphed out what would happen with covid exposures and "go home rules"...we realized that it would be mass chaos if all our kids were in school.

So..FFw teaches in person and kids are 100% virtual.

Yes it was more stable for them..the in person kids had several sessions of the entire school closing for weeks at a time to "clear outbreaks".

Plus I was "high risk" and we have several elderly high risk people.

So...on the one hand I'm convinced that we made the right choice based on what we knew at the time...I'm also convinced I NEVER want to do this again

Essentially there is one more day until finals are over.  D15 just popped in the room and was excited to get a good grade on one of her finals..and the class for the semester.

Uggg...almost over.

I get it this thread perhaps doesn't "exactly fit" here..but perhaps others can share stories of endurance, resilience and thankfulness that we appear to be "turning a corner" on this thing...COVID.

And..no more.  I get it we likely "won't go back to normal"...but there has to be a "new normal"...

We could also talk about the problems with virtual school..from a parenting point of view.

Best,

FF

[kells76]

One thing (among many, don't get me started) that has bugged me about this whole "just pivot to remote" for school (and work) "solution" is that it comes from decision makers for whom it's either not a logistical problem or it's a desired scenario. There's no burden for them with "just do a zoom call". This is a gross generalization, but the vibe I get is that people who can have Uber bring them takeout, have no school age (or younger) children, and who can "laptop work" don't see why it's... I hesitate to use the word, but... offensive... to say that the solution is to have a lockdown for everyone... but they have no skin in the game. There's no loss to them to make that the law, so they can't/don't/won't see any other side. We can't be the only family without internet or smartphones out there, but policies are built around this tacit assumption that "everyone has internet" (we technically... "borrow" it from a local business that we patronize).

It frustrates me to no end that somehow, there's this "worst of both worlds" thing that happened with school for the kids, where both (a) the bar is set absurdly low ("attendance" for a day is defined as "did you at minimum have one interaction with your teacher in Chat" -- you could literally type ONE LETTER in chat and never do anything else, and hey! you were in school that day!), and yet (b) school is still being forced into this "traditional school" mode, where you have to do all these assignments with essentially no support and no peer interaction, and there are due dates still, but everything takes much longer because even this far into the "school year" I watch SD13 spend so much time just navigating the technical issues -- taking pictures of HW, uploading them, trying to find links, links breaking, dropping calls, dealing with powerpoint... so much time has been spent on non-academic issues.

But back to the assumptions... SD15 last year had a teacher who decided that instead of reading books for remote school, the kids had to start blogs and upload Youtube videos. There was no outreach to parents of "hey, are you OK with your student having this online presence"? Again -- super low bar of "as long as you journal your thoughts on Blogger and make a video of yourself playing hacky sack on youtube, you pass!" combined with "But you HAVE TO DO IT, no exceptions". I'm pretty disappointed. I get that everyone is/was frustrated... but it's this "pretending this is still school" mentality that bugs me. Either do it -- really do it -- read books, real HW, peer interactions, actual full day presence and not just "text your teacher once" -- or call the entire school year a wash and don't do anything. Don't pretend, don't require social media as an assignment... just say "you kids are all out of school from September 2020 to June 2021 and will restart in September 2021 in whatever grade you would've been in".

Of course, given that children/teens aren't at high risk of Covid and don't really spread it, and given the Wisconsin and Sweden studies... my personal opinion is that they all could've been back in the classroom 100% for a long, long time. I get that March 2020 there were a lot of unknowns, and I respect that. We aren't there any more, though. We have info that kids can be in school (actual school, not 2 hours a day twice a week and "pretending the schools are open") and it's OK.

So, lots I could say, but distilling my "key problems with virtual school" down:

-unchecked assumptions that (a) everyone has internet, and (b) parents won't have any problem with their kids being online/on a screen all day

-"worst of both worlds" implementation (low bar for attendance coupled with trying to force "remote learning" into "traditional school" mode)

-privileged assumptions that all adults can pivot to "work from home" to supplement teachers

But someone needs to talk me down now... lots of frustrations with the whole ball o' yarn.

[kells76]

I will add, we have a friend who works in special ed, and one of her top concerns was that she couldn't check on her students in person. She'd have kids not connect, not log on, etc, and based on what she knew about their situation and families, she was worried. She even knew where some students lived but could not purposefully go to their homes to see if they were OK. So she had to content herself with taking walks in those students' neighborhoods, hoping to see some of them around.
So I see that side, too, where teachers were really hamstrung as well. And I see it with SD13 (who got approved for SPED services) -- she gets 2x 30 minute Zoom calls a week... that's it. That's her SPED assistance. If she remembers to log on to the call. She needs in person 1x1 support for longer chunks of time but isn't getting it... and she's lucky, because overall she's pretty functional and just needs less intense academic interventions (no behavioral etc). I cannot imagine trying to provide/receive more intense SPED services. I have a 3rd cousin (I think?) who needs speech intervention for a couple of disorders and did not get help when school was closed. His grandma says he has a LOT of catching up to do. It's tragic.

[formflier]

Oh..you go Kells76...you are officially hired for whenever FF doesn't want to be up on my soapbox anymore!  You've got it..

I watch SD13 spend so much time just navigating the technical issues -- taking pictures of HW, uploading them, trying to find links, links breaking, dropping calls, dealing with powerpoint... so much time has been spent on non-academic issues.

There is a place for "tech" in school.  However...this year we have found that tech can "distract from" instead of "add to".

More later.

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

Oh my goodness I CANNOT WAIT until this school year is over.  I have three at home doing virtual school.  All three will be vaccinated by mid summer and all are going back to school in person next year.  I WANT MY HOME OFFICE AND QUIET WORKSPACE BACK.

Our remote school sounds more involved than kells' family's.  All of the classes were mixed in-person and remote kids (those poor teachers!).  Our kids had to have their video on where the teacher could see them to get credit for attendance.  They did the same work as the in-person kids.

Keeping them home was absolutely the right decision for our family given the risks we were juggling.  It was really good for two of the kids.

SD13 got to totally relax and, without the distractions of other kids, managed to figure out a system to get all her work turned in on time!  For the first time, she has straight As and is feeling really confident about school.

S11 has an anxiety disorder, and it really helped that I was there to see what triggered him and to intervene before he was flooded.  He has made HUGE strides this year in managing his anxiety.

D15 needs the structure of  a classroom.

I am so utterly exhausted of all of this - being the Assistant Principal and teacher's aide and tech support on top of being a parent and trying to work.  

[formflier]

 I WANT MY HOME OFFICE AND QUIET WORKSPACE BACK.
 

So..I've got various service connected disabilities that will follow me around for the rest of my life.  They have an impact on what I can do..and how quickly I can do it.

So...when "real" school was going on, I would get everyone on the bus and then I was usually pretty productive until about noon.  Basically I would still be kinda fresh from sleep and good breakfast..

Now..I start working on something and someone can't log in...or something won't submit...or yesterday (I kid you not)...my 4th graders computer cord sparked and burned through..actually burning a small hole in a bed spread...

(now) So...up..breakfast...a blur of issues..it's noon...FF hasn't accomplished much.

Sigh..

Best,

FF

[kells76]

I am so utterly exhausted of all of this - being the Assistant Principal and teacher's aide and tech support on top of being a parent and trying to work.  

110%

While it is special to be able to be so involved with the kids' learning...

yet at the same time, trying to work full time outside of the house, take zoom calls for HW help during lunch at work (or while monitoring cryogenic liquid levels... that was exciting...), or any time at work...

or, almost "worse", work a full day with commuting on both ends, then go home and have 5 minutes to start a load of laundry while gearing up for an hour of math over the phone...

Not a lot of day left after that, and that's even with the kids being at Mom's house during school hours.

I try to be flexible, because it's not the kids' fault that "school" is so different this year. But at some point, I just do not have time to wait 20 minutes for the zoom link to get worked out, while I need to be in the lab. I cannot wait for summer break this year.

[worriedStepmom]

At this point, even when the kids don't need me, I'm having trouble being productive.  My brain is so completely frazzled and burnt out that it can't process new information very fast anymore.

I think part of it is that I'm always on alert to make sure they doing what they are supposed to be doing.  (E.g., I heard very light whistles from downstairs this morning and I *know* D15 was watching volleyball matches instead of doing school. )

I am an introvert and I just can't anymore. 

Even my lunch break involves one of the kids sitting next to me and chattering about something (their lunches/breaks span 10:30 - 2, so I can't just schedule for a time when they are all "in class").  Oldest finishes class at 2:45 and wants to chat. 

We used to have electronics limits, and I threw all of those out the window in September.  If they are watching tv, they are not talking to me. 

[GaGrl]

I felt so bad for the teachers trying to suddenly teach over Zoom, with no preparation or trainng. Many school systems quickly jumped on the technology issues, but bottom line...

Teaching techniques using online platforms is NOT the same as teaching in person.

Before I retired in 2019, the team I directed included 25+ instructors located across the U.S. When we began holding national classes using the Web platform, about 5-6 years ago, all of us took the ATD course and certification for delivering distance learning. The technology and techniques that are different than in-person instruction are covered in detail. None of our instructors went live without certification.

Those poor teachers were thrown to the wolves.

My friend who taught middle school language arts for 35 years is so grateful she retired before the pandemic.

[formflier]

We used to have electronics limits, and I threw all of those out the window in September.  If they are watching tv, they are not talking to me. 

I'm considering electronics DETOX for most of the summer.  Just no...go outside and be bored is better than a screen..ALWAYS...

Best,

FF

[formflier]

I felt so bad for the teachers trying to suddenly teach over Zoom, 

FFw is thankful her online responsibilities are minimal.  Some teachers in her school have to do in person class and some online.  I can't imagine...

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

This has been such a tough year for all involved. My kids are older now but if they had been younger, I would not have been able to leave them and go to work. So many families had to choose between their livelihood and leaving kids unsupervised.

I also wonder about the kids in dysfunctional families. My BPD mom could not handle kids home all day. During breaks, we would spend a lot of time with my Dad's extended family. I suspect this decision was done mainly to appease my mother, but also it did benefit us a lot to be with his loving and not dysfunctional family, and away from her behavior.

I was thinking about what I would have done if this happened when I was in school. Had we kids been younger, I suspect my dad would have sent us to stay with his family. This would have been the best thing ever. There is just no way we could have been in the house with her all day unsupervised.

Had I been older, school work would have suffered as I would be enlisted as her all day servant and caregiver and likely she would be screaming at me for most of the day. As a teen, one way I coped was to "escape" to friend's houses but this would not be an option during a pandemic. I would either have become depressed or run away.

While I am all in favor of safety first, and recognize the need for safety measures ( I don't want to debate the lockdowns politically ) I also think they have had mental health and economic impacts. The closing of schools resulted in difficulties for all families and for families with a BPD member, it created more issues. For us as kids, school was a "safe place" emotionally and a much needed resource for child care in addition to education. I wonder how many kids in abusive families lost this safety net?

Over the next few years, we will need to "catch" up all the kids academically, as well as focus on their mental health.

[kells76]

I also wonder about the kids in dysfunctional families.

Notwendy, that has been my concern with the kids, especially SD15, who is being "homeschooled". She has talked about not really having any friends left (she has one that she has stayed in touch with) and how it feels weird to talk to kids her own age. The "homeschooling" consists of whatever Mom and Stepdad want to, I'll be blunt, indoctrinate her in.

Interestingly, SD15 came up with an activity idea on her own, and sometimes takes the bus by herself during the day to get there. DH and I are glad she is getting out of the house for a large chunk of time and support her ($$$ and logistics) in that. She had an option to do the activity during Mom time or Dad time and opted for during Mom time. While it isn't with kids her age, it's at least out on her own and supervised.

SD13 is still enrolled in "normal" school (it's a charter, so it was funky anyway) and so has other adult eyes on her, plus a little bit of in classroom time. She also has talked about "I only have one friend left, I don't have any friends at school" and it's concerning. Her one friend is in person and seems pretty normal, so we try to support that.

Back when the kids were in counseling, they were also being homeschooled. The counselor actually recommended getting the kids into public school so that they would not be around Mom as much. It was a hard pill to swallow (I was homeschooled and I really liked the co-op they were in a few days a week) but what is mind blowing is how even I could say "the kids need to be in mainstream public school settings... because it's more functional than Mom's house".

[Ozzie101]

I’ll echo the “thank goodness!” cries here.

SS10 has been fully virtual all year and didn’t have to handle any of it since H shoulders all the responsibility for SS when he’s with us. But I’ve observed plenty. We’re fortunate in that we have reliable WiFi and H and Ex have been working remote. But there have been other challenges.

Frequently, assignments are done but don’t register in the system, resulting in a lot of back and forth with teachers. The kids do about an hour of in-class on a good day. At his school, teachers and kids were split between remote and on-site, so the teachers weren’t having to do both. But for remote kids, it seems like they hardly had any lessons at all.

Regardless, SS started logging on for attendance and then disappearing instead of participating. Finally, the teachers let H and Ex know and there was more monitoring but he would still log on and, as soon as Mom or Dad left, he’d log off and look at YouTube again. Neither H nor Ex handled it effectively but I keep my mouth shut unless asked.

Thank goodness they decided to send him back next year. The educational quality wasn’t good at all. SS is smart and i suspect has been very bored. Also, there’s the connection factor. He’s an only child. He’s in desperate need of socialization. When H asked my opinion on next year, I was honest. I added that if SS stays home next year and returns the next, he would have been isolated (except baseball) for 2.5 years. He’s already immature for his age. Does anyone really want his first year back in school to be his first year of the Hell that is middle school?

He’s going back.

[Notwendy]

I can't imagine being home all day with BPD mom at age 15.  My friends were part of what I think "saved" me (in addition to my dad's family) and also their parents were role models. Not that we even discussed my mother, it's just that my friends liked me, I liked them,  and it was time away from the drama.

I would have left the house for as much as possible too. BPD mom would have just dysregulated if we were home all day. My parents didn't indocrinate me to any particular politics. They weren't very politically active. It would have been the constant criticism, dysregulations, and verbal abuse.


Sounds like D15s mother is a bit more functional than that, but still toxic. Seems step dad is too. It would be a hard choice of which one was the less crazy one to spend time with.


In her favor- academically- she won't be the only one who has lost academic time. I think the schools will have  a lot of remediation to do. I know they won't do this as it takes restructuring but they almost need a grade 13 to give the students time to catch up. The kids also need social time. They've been isolated with their screens for a year. They can't just sit at their desks doing work all day to catch up. The schools can do their part, but also it's going to take everyone. I read that some parents organized outdoor proms and I have seen some prom pictures on social media. I know I'm not ready to see people jump into large group or indoor functions yet but getting small groups of kid's friends together outdoors this summer- a sort of social bubble of a few people- sounds like a possible idea.