Poking a wound

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Sometimes it seems as if uBPDH has a “wound-poking” compulsion.

We are still dealing with complications over repairs on our new house. We’re both frustrated. We’re in agreement on the underlying problems and how we would like to see it settled.

The differences are that I know what we want might not happen. And I think it through, develop a plan and try not to let it ruin my day/life/enjoyment of the new house.

I know H doesn’t work that way. And I’m not saying my way is right. But every time it comes up, he starts ramping up. He gets more and more frustrated. He starts emailing or texting or calling people. If they don’t respond the way he thinks they should, he gets more upset. Then he digs more. It’s hard to explain, but it’s as if, when he’s upset, he has to find every sore spot he can and poke at it. Like picking a scab. Trigger eruption.

I’m sure this isn’t uncommon. Heck, a lot of non-PD people probably do it too. I’ll admit, when I’m feeling emotional sometimes I’ll listen to a sad song or watch a sad movie to trigger a good cry. But no one’s being cussed at, rattled or harmed.

In other news, H has decided to give therapy a break, at the suggestion of his P. He’s been negative about it for years so I’m not surprised. I really don’t know how I feel. Was it doing him any good? Not really. And it, in a way, gave him something else to rant about. I’m still seeing my T. That’s becoming an increasingly sore topic for him. I’ve made my position clear.

[Ozzie101]

Sometimes it seems as if uBPDH has a “wound-poking” compulsion.

We are still dealing with complications over repairs on our new house. We’re both frustrated. We’re in agreement on the underlying problems and how we would like to see it settled.

The differences are that I know what we want might not happen. And I think it through, develop a plan and try not to let it ruin my day/life/enjoyment of the new house.

I know H doesn’t work that way. And I’m not saying my way is right. But every time it comes up, he starts ramping up. He gets more and more frustrated. He starts emailing or texting or calling people. If they don’t respond the way he thinks they should, he gets more upset. Then he digs more. It’s hard to explain, but it’s as if, when he’s upset, he has to find every sore spot he can and poke at it. Like picking a scab. Trigger eruption.

I’m sure this isn’t uncommon. Heck, a lot of non-PD people probably do it too. I’ll admit, when I’m feeling emotional sometimes I’ll listen to a sad song or watch a sad movie to trigger a good cry. But no one’s being cussed at, rattled or harmed.

In other news, H has decided to give therapy a break, at the suggestion of his P. He’s been negative about it for years so I’m not surprised. I really don’t know how I feel. Was it doing him any good? Not really. And it, in a way, gave him something else to rant about. I’m still seeing my T. That’s becoming an increasingly sore topic for him. I’ve made my position clear.

[EZEarache]

Yep, continuously poking at wounds, especially their own in my case.

My exGF just can never let things of the past go. She will drags things I said up months or years ago on a routine basis, and expects me to change my stance on them. Then when I don't change my opinion, she gets even more pissed at me.

I know, I know, validation, validation, validation. I just suck at validating delusions.

[Ozzie101]

It’s difficult sometimes, the validation. And the repetitiveness. It can be very frustrating watching someone wind themselves up. I know it’s filling (or trying to fill) some sort of void in them but when you’re on the receiving end of the explosion...

[formflier]

What kind of stuff needs to be repaired?  Are the funds coming from the sellers?

Hang in there...getting a new to you home settled and fixed right is rarely an easy road.

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

It’s a window. The sellers’ kid broke the outer pane with a soccer ball. The contractor who gave the estimate has dropped off the face of the earth and no one else will do it for the amount held at closing. I have a friend with the real estate commission and she says we have cause to file a complaint (we have proof the sellers’ agent did a couple of things he shouldn’t have). Anyway, we’re dealing with it. But when H gets in a mood, he needs it done yesterday. He also tends to go into rants involving a lot of cursing and threats. And he’ll start demanding things he knows can’t or won’t happen and get even more ramped up. Even when it’s not aimed at me, it’s exhausting to hear. I’m getting better at getting away from it, but still... ugh.

[formflier]

Are the sellers responding at all? 

Are they not agreeing to do it for whatever the amount is? 

I'm assuming we are talking about a difference of a few hundred bucks..right?

Best,

FF

[Ozzie101]

More like $85.

My friend with the REC recommended sending it to their agent (we have no contact info for them).

[I Am Redeemed]

Did he say his P suggested that he take a break from therapy? Do you think this P really said that?

[Ozzie101]

He did say his P said it. It’s possible. It’s also possible he said something vague or something that H took to mean “take a break.” H apparently told him therapy was frustrating him because he felt like he wasn’t getting anywhere, etc. I honestly never really know what to think about what the T and P tell him.