Not sure what to do

[Tuga]

Hi. I have never posted here, but my wife has BPD, as stated by two different licensed counselors. I’m currently being accused of sexual abuse, physical abuse, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, verbal abuse, neglect, gaslighting, and spiritual abuse. I’m not sure what to do here. Three of my four kids are grown and I’m afraid to try to leave because I may lose my 15 year old. Three of my four kids call my wife by her first name and not mom. My two kids still at home try to have as little to do with my wife as possible. I’m still here to protect them. I want out of the chaos. I’m very afraid that when my wife has one of her “episodes where she is punching herself in the head or banging her head on the wall, that she will accuse me of abusing her. I am very active in my church, own a small business with seven employees, and am active in kid’s ministry. I’ve never been arrested or even had a ticket in the last 15 years! I’m so afraid of losing my freedom and my lifestyle, but I’m also afraid of losing my kids. I feel helpless and hopeless. Any advice would be appreciated. As a caveat, I have had many people insult her, and tell me how horrible she is. I’ve also had too many people look at my situation as if they were attending some sort of freak show. I am only interested in sound advice and not commiserating on my hopeless situation or insulting my wife. I’m also not interested in any other relationships. These are all responses that I’ve gotten outside of here. I’m hoping this is different and people understand. I’m feeling very isolated and hopeless right now. I usually exercise when I feel this way, but I wanted to reach out for some sound advice.

[GaGrl]

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. There is most definitely a risk that your diagnosed BPD wife could make false abuse claims against you.

As to advice...

What have the licensed therapists who diagnosed her said to you in terms of what to do when she is self-harming/hanging her head, etc.? If they have not given you specific advice, it may be worth a conversation with one or both.

One action that has been advised on this site is to proactively to go your local police station, describe what is going on I. Your home (diagnosed mental illness, well-being, and your fear she will accuse you), and get a police report showing that you put this info on record.

Police might advise that you call 9-1-1 when she self-harms. Have you ever done this? If so, what was the result? If not, what has stopped you?

If there was a likelihood that your 15-year-old would be in your custody, would you be more likely to separate?

There's a lot going on to consider here.

[Tuga]

I have not gone to the police. I thought about calling 911, but have only used it as a threat to get her to calm down. I think I might separate. She says she’s filing a legal separation. Not sure if she is, but most likely yes.
I really want to reconcile, but I don’t even know if that’s possible.
As for an actual diagnosis, my 15 year old’s therapist recommended the eggshell book to me and told me not to tell my spouse. I then found somebody to go to with her for counseling who was well versed in BPD. He said she exhibited most of the traits of BPD, but didn’t have a release from my wife to tell me of a diagnosis, so I can’t actually bring that to the police. I am interested in talking with them though. Maybe like you said, it could help in the future. It’s a good suggestion.

[ForeverDad]

Most of us here, myself included, never had a diagnosis about our spouse.  Besides the confidentiality aspect of someone else's mental health status, family courts are very reluctant to investigate that aspect.  Family courts and the professionals surrounding them focus instead on documentation, mostly.  You would do well to do the same.

After my marriage had become more and more dysfunctional, especially after we had a child together, I sensed things had gone beyond what I could possibly repair.  If I had any influence then my marriage would have been improving rather than imploding.  That's a known red flag of BPD... BPD is a personality disorder most evident in close relationships.  The disorder makes it virtually impossible for the sensitized person to truly listen to anything the other has to say or explain.  It gets perceived as just more emotional baggage from the relationship.  The only realistic hope is for a trained person who has no emotional investment - essentially neutral - in the relationship to provide counsel and guidance.  Even that effort can typically fail.

It is what it is.  Sadly.  Can you accept that and then move forward with time tested strategies to pick up what pieces you and to move forward with your your life and your parenting?  Here in peer support we can't offer legal advice but we do have collective wisdom on what usually works — and what usually doesn't work.  Educate yourself on our other Tools & Skills board, ask your questions, ponder our comments and strategies.  Combine them with your lawyer's advice on what usually works locally and keep your counselor in the loop.

Some good ideas:

• All of your children, whether grown or still minors, can benefit from experienced counselors.
• Good idea to be proactive with seeking out an experienced and proactive (not aggressive) lawyer to protect you and your parenting.
• Accept there's little or nothing you can do to 'help' your spouse.  Years of prior attempts have failed, no reason to believe anything more with help her see reality versus perceptions and feelings.
• To echo GaGrl, can you proactively seek out police, explain what's been going on for years (sadly, much behind doors hidden from the public but endemic within the family) and how to address likely posturing (her as victim and you as bad guy).

Much I didn't do right, I was passive, appeasing, failing at peacemaker efforts and reluctant to address reality.  One thing I did a few months before our marriage imploded (though I could see that path was unavoidable) was to start documenting (with a voice recorder, no smart phones back then) the incidents when there were rants and rages.  I felt I had to be able to prove I wasn't the one misbehaving and aggressive.  I have come to phrase such actions as not recording her but rather me recording myself to prove I wasn't the problem... and well, if she happened to be on the rampage at the time, well, that was on her...

[mart555]

Can you leave with the kids?  The older ones will likely back you up.  Make sure to record and document, once the smear campaign begins, it can get quite intense before it calms down..

[worriedStepmom]

I highly recommend that you get counseling for yourself, if you aren't already doing it.  That will help you to center yourself - the constant gaslighting is so hard.

You might want to consult with a lawyer to find out what to expect if your wife files for a legal separation or divorce.  You do not have to file for anything, but having information can help you to make good decisions.

A lawyer may tell you that your 15 year-old is old enough to make decisions about where they want to live.  They may tell you that 50-50 custody is standard.  They will be able to tell you what kind of evidence the judge wants to see to give you more custody. 

[Tuga]

So a quick update: I did go talk to my local police and they gave me some good pointers and tips. I had already been recording our interactions for the same reason, to prove that I’m not the one who is explosive or aggressive. I am speaking to an attorney next Wednesday. On the documentation, I have not done really well on that, but am improving. I am, and have been in counseling for the last couple of months. He is familiar with BPD and my situation and has met with my wife a couple times. He is helping me to manage the boundaries. I just found out I can take my minor daughter with me. Both my kids are in counseling and she is the one who turned me on to my wife’s potential BPD. My wife just told me today that I needed to go to a different counselor because I’m so broken. I’m at the point that I just want out of this horrible situation. I currently have no money. My wife has cleaned me out of over $100,000 and I am currently delivering food to make ends meet. I have truly lost any hope of reconciliation or a normal or peaceful life. I am going on a 50+ mile hike ain’t a week, and am dropping my 15 year old off at her friend’s house at her request. Thank you all for the help. Please keep,it coming

[worriedStepmom]

You now have a plan and you've started working that plan (talking to the police and making an appointment with a lawyer).  That's great!

You also have support for yourself and your kids.  This will be critical to your healing.

[EZEarache]

I am going on a 50+ mile hike ain’t a week, and am dropping my 15 year old off at her friend’s house at her request.

That's awesome! I figured out a long time ago that hiking really helped bring me clarity and center myself through all of the chaos in life.

I did a 14 mile day hike on Sunday, and felt so great mentally on Monday. Of course, my legs were a little stiff.

Enjoy your trip. Try to mediate on validation statements and not JADEing while you walk, instead of focusing on her negativity.  I've started to do this to try and get my reactions under better control.

[Tuga]

What is JADEing? I’m struggling with all the acronyms in here. After reading the eggshell book, I have tried to focus on positive things while I’m hiking and not ruminating on the negative aspects. It has been helpful. Also, I’m not sure why spell correct kept adding “ain’t”

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Tuga-

To learn about NOT “JADEing”, look toward the top of the page at TOOLS, scroll down to Member Workshops, and I believe it’s 2.02.  JADE Stands for Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain. 

When communicating with a pwBPD (person with BPD) you do NOT want to JADE!  This often seems counterintuitive, but it CAN be a pretty successful comm tool, tho’ takes some time and effort to master.  But my friend, a 50 mile hike kinda gives you that time, right?  Learning NOT to JADE is also effective when dealing with non-disordered people as well.

Let us know your thoughts.  Wishing you a tranquil long stroll.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[ForeverDad]

I was at the north rim of the Grand Canyon (more remote, higher altitude, not as hot, and smaller crowds than the south rim) last autumn and took a side road and started an 8 mile hike/stroll along the rim.  I walked about 10 minutes on a gentle slope before I realized it was way to much for my heart.  But I still enjoyed the mountains.  On the third day there were clouds and so without harsh shadows I took my photos all over again.