I am new to this site

[Saraswati]

Couple of weeks ago, therapist suggested my adult 42 year old daughter may have BPD. I have been in a research frenzy. Even though we have always known she has had something mentally difficult and challenging going on in her life, nothing like this had occurred to me or any of her many medical/mental doctors. Please excuse me for sounding as though this is all about me; there is just so much conflict & confusion happening around her life.  7 months ago I told my daughter that not everything was about her.  She was raging at me once again.  I knew I ought to continue to walk on eggshells, however I didn’t. She informed me her father and I would never again see her and her husband’s two little boys. We haven’t.  Everyday I feel as though my life has ended. My Husband (father) is also terribly distraught because of this. Our two grandbabies are lost to us. It would take volumes & volumes of words to explain our relationships with our daughter.  Our son-in-law doesn’t communicate with us either.  The oldest grandson (7) we helped raise due to many issues daughter was living through and I know ripping him away from us must be hurting him terribly. The young one was only 2.  I imagine daughter has many reasons for this punishment. I just cannot believe she would punish her sons like this.  I’m feeling so bad I caused this situation. I honestly do not believe we will see these beautiful loving boys ever again. Our daughter really believes I am bad people. She must to do this. Does it really matter if she just isn’t very honest?  It doesn’t to her. I love her anyway. I just do not like her very much right now. God, I hurt because of this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LetsGetBetter]

Hi Saraswati,

So sorry to hear about your situation. My person with BPD is my partner, so I'm not in exactly the same situation. Nevertheless, probably everyone on this forum knows those feelings of guilt, confusion, and having to walk on eggshells. Don't feel ashamed for making things about you, that's what this forum is for! Try to go easy on yourself. It is not simple or intuitive interacting with someone that has BPD and it is something that takes practice. You said you were doing research on BPD so you are already taking steps in the right direction. If you don't mind me asking, what was the specific event that caused your daughter to cut off contact?

[Kaylynn]

Hi Saraswati...glad you also found this site. It's been so helpful to me as I navigate the complicated and painful journey with my SD17 who most likely is BPD. Her mom is also BPD. We are at a point with her in disengaging and setting up some strong boundaries. It's really been hard for my H this time, for obvious reasons. But she has been very abusive to him and especially me. We realize that there is absolutely nothing we can or can't do that will help her...she needs to do the hard work in therapy, and that will take years. In the meantime we have to protect our relationship, ourselves, and also my SS16 and other adult children from her instability and abuse.

I know you must be aching for your grandchildren, and grieving the loss. But please know you did not cause this situation. Her actions are not your responsibility. Healthy people wouldn't act this way. Part of the BPD is all or nothing thinking...you are either all good or all bad. Right now she is believing you are all bad even though you're just being human and setting up healthy boundaries. You deserve to not have to walk on eggshells. It hurts like hell, and I know this new information you're learning will also be a bitter pill to swallow. I hope you are able to find the freedom in knowing it's not you, and you deserve to not have to do the emotional dance just to have a healthy relationship. Prayers for you...