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Author Topic: I feel like I’m losing her  (Read 228 times)
Chingy2202
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
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« on: June 06, 2021, 04:25:14 PM »

I’ve been seeing her for about 5 months now. Everything was great. Then all of a sudden bam she would back away... gone for days with no contact. Then she would call me crying.. missing me. Then everything would be good again. Then rinse lather repeat. When she finally came out with her BPD I had already knew. I fell in love with her more for talking about it. Now I feel like I’m losing her.. her ex who hurt her tremendously.. left her on the floor begging .. wants her back. She is so torn.. I don’t want to make it worse. I told her to go back and that I would always be here for her that I’m not going anywhere. She slept with him again but I understand.. she’s trying to figure it out. But she says she’s just being petty with him .. and she feels like an ass bc she is hurting me but putting him thru the pain that he caused her. But our mornings went from good morning love to dry senseless conversations.. she avoids everything I send her encouraging her and trying make her smile.. I tone it down a bit and she misses me.. wants to see me. Then finds some way not to. I don’t know what to do but be there for her and her 5 year old son. Do I just wait for her to reach out to me? Or what should I do? She won’t talk about it. She has shut down on me.. but tells me I miss you and love you and want to be around you more than you think!! I’m not selfish especially to her but I’m at a loss of what I should do!! I care about her and her son so much!!
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: June 08, 2021, 10:35:13 AM »

People with BPD fear the greater intimacy that develops as a relationship matures. This is ironic because they are the ones who press for more intimacy at the very beginning.

You’ve let her know that you will wait for her to figure things out. Give her space. Don’t pressure her even with friendly short contact; it will come across as needy. Be the best self you can be in the interim and pursue your interests outside of this relationship.

Let her be the one who decides when to come back, or not.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #2 on: June 08, 2021, 09:33:18 PM »

You’ve let her know that you will wait for her to figure things out. Give her space. Don’t pressure her even with friendly short contact; it will come across as needy. Be the best self you can be in the interim and pursue your interests outside of this relationship.

this is strong advice.

your loved one is dealing with what i call an "unresolved previous relationship". there really is no competing with that, it simply has to work its way out. you want to be on her radar, but you dont want to be too involved, and you dont want to chase.

in general, positioning yourself as a fallback is not a strong or attractive position. in some ways, you are doing that. as Cat said, your loved one knows full well how you feel.

its hard to step back and give space; i can be an anxious person, and anxiety suggests to me i need to act. but if youre going to wait this out, and not torture yourself in the process, you need a big picture approach.
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Chingy2202
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« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2021, 04:13:33 PM »

So I’ve given her space and no pressure... she still reaches out to me everyday. Tells me she can only breathe around me.. do I keep it short or just be there for her. She comes around and I just hold her and then she disappears for days.. I’m trying to keep my feelings in check and just be there to support her but it’s hard
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2021, 10:11:01 PM »

Think about how you present yourself. You don’t want to be the guy who put his life on hold for her. Yet you’d like her to choose you over the other guy. It’s a difficult spot. You don’t want to come off as desperate, yet you want to signal your availability, but this is a temporary situation. You’re not going to wait for her forever, and I sense you don’t want to share her with someone else. She needs to come to a decision.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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