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Author Topic: Horrible Escalation of arguments in my relationship  (Read 271 times)
A.D
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
Posts: 1


« on: June 10, 2021, 06:04:33 AM »

I have a girlfriend with bpd, we’ve been together for 4 years. To be very honest it’s getting too much. I don’t know how to differentiate when it’s her reacting or speaking and when it’s her condition making her do this stuff.

One problem that I really want to get a hold of is the immediate escalation of any conversation we have that ends in a break up. Whenever we’re talking about any issue, regardless of who brought it up, it escalates so quickly and ends up being my fault and reaches the stage of a break up. I get it, she’s the one that’s facing this problem but I need stability in my life too, it’s severely affecting me mentally as well, causing issues I never had before.

Can someone please help me in dealing with this pattern of escalation and breakup’s?
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khibomsis
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Relationship status: Grieving
Posts: 624


« Reply #1 on: June 10, 2021, 08:58:09 AM »

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post) AD, and welcome to the family! We are sorry for what brought you here but happy that you found us.
Do feel free to tell us more about what is going on. Has she been diagnosed? Is she in therapy? Are you? I ask because these things help to support the success of a relationship.
One thing that has struck me deeply recently is how much power partners of pwBPD have. When they escalate, we can make it worse or better by our actions. It is quite a thing to realize that you can set a person off and destroy their entire day by how you respond to a dysregulation. Or you can support them to self-soothe.

The bottom line is that you can change. Not because there is anything wrong with you - her voice telling you you have no worth only impacts as far as you believe it, and why believe a pwBPD? But there are certain ways partners can behave which are pretty guaranteed to make things worse.

Here is a thread that can assist you to think through these things: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0
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pursuingJoy
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
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« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2021, 07:35:50 AM »

A.D, I echo Khib's hello and welcome! You'll find that many people here can relate.

Khibomsis makes a great point - you do have agency and we'd love to help you feel stronger in that. Learning what triggers them and how to respond in a way that protects us and our values takes work but is so worth it. People often report that these learned skillsets improve other relationships across the board.

Can you give us an example of a fight you've had recently? Sometimes it gives us something practical to work through.

Dealing with a pwBPD knocked me for a loop like nothing else in my life has. I completely understand the mental drain. After setting boundaries and learning the skills here, my mental state has improved. It works and there is hope.


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paperinkart
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Relationship status: Together (But It’s Tough Lately!)
Posts: 123


« Reply #3 on: June 11, 2021, 01:28:07 PM »

Just wanted to say that I’m experiencing the exact same thing. I don’t have any advice just yet but know you’re not alone. The feeling that even a simple disagreement or conversation can end in a breakup is exhausting and scary. I feel you!
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Sappho11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
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« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2021, 04:32:33 AM »

Just wanted to say that I’m experiencing the exact same thing. I don’t have any advice just yet but know you’re not alone. The feeling that even a simple disagreement or conversation can end in a breakup is exhausting and scary. I feel you!

I second this!
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Jabiru

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Relationship status: Married
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« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2021, 10:53:41 AM »

I don’t know how to differentiate when it’s her reacting or speaking and when it’s her condition making her do this stuff.
There may not always be a clear answer.

Regardless, you can't allow her condition to be a ticket to get away with any behavior. At what point in the escalation does it become uncomfortable for you? Try setting boundaries to protect yourself from being hurt. One of mine is if my BPD wife threatens cheating or divorce then I will kindly say I need an hour to myself to calm down and walk out of the room.
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