Diagnosed BPD - Divorce Thoughts, Guidance, Help Me Save our Kids.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I have posted a bit on here over the past year or so.  Originally looking for advise on how to better my marriage and help my wife.  However, recently it has become increasingly apparent that her desire to help herself is limited.  Counselling, treatment centers and advise from professionals all seems to be useless.  Stop drinking, smoking and using social media was priority number one which has not even slowed down.  Her infidelities' have even increased to the point I don't even think she cares that I know anymore.  (she is going out drinking this weekend and leaving me with kids, the weekend prior she was too depressed to do anything with the kids and I).  This cycle has gone on far too long and since my most recent visit to our family doctor and our oldest Childs neurologist I have succumbed to the fact that my wifes mental health is having serious lasting effects on our children (mainly my 6 year old).  Our youngest is 3.  Wife is seeking treatment and seeing a counsellor however, I feel it is the same as it always has been the past 2 years in terms of just going through the motions and using what the counsellor says as ammunition's against me.  I realize I have enabled her and some things I have said or done out of frustration was not ideal but I know I did my best with what I had.
 
My wife and our children's family doctor recommended I take my oldest full time at least as she is showing signs of taking after her mothers mental health.  She recommended therapy and severe intervention on my part for my oldest.  The neurologist also confirmed that our oldest is taking after her mother.    I hope to be getting documentation on my wife's condition(BPD, anxiety, depression, PTSD diagnosis) and her stay at the hospital last year due to contemplating suicide.   I will be seeing a lawyer later today with all the additional evidence I have of her erratic, threatening and impulsive behaviors.  I hope he says I have enough evidence and credence to file for protective custody and get my children full time sooner rather than later.

I myself and terrified and looking for any type of support, advise or thoughts on how this plan will go.  I am terrified of what my wife will do to our family and herself when I start the process.  Her threats of stealing the children has gone on the way side as I know I wont let that happen however, I fear of putting our children through more trauma than they already have.  Taking the kids mother away from them breaks my heart and I have been battling it hard the past few weeks.  Typically when she is decent and showing the kids love and myself some sort of calm understanding (short lived).  I wish I saw another viable option that isn't relying on my wife to make any changes.  My kids do love their mother as do I, but this has to end.

Any advise, support, other viable options or even ideas on how this may go moving forward will be greatly appreciated.  This group has saved my mental health more times than I can remember, I sure hope to be a voice in here when the dust settles to help those that are going through similar things.  I have never needed more help than I do now.  Anyone out there, please.

[WalkingonEggshel]

I have posted a bit on here over the past year or so.  Originally looking for advise on how to better my marriage and help my wife.  However, recently it has become increasingly apparent that her desire to help herself is limited.  Counselling, treatment centers and advise from professionals all seems to be useless.  Stop drinking, smoking and using social media was priority number one which has not even slowed down.  Her infidelities' have even increased to the point I don't even think she cares that I know anymore.  (she is going out drinking this weekend and leaving me with kids, the weekend prior she was too depressed to do anything with the kids and I).  This cycle has gone on far too long and since my most recent visit to our family doctor and our oldest Childs neurologist I have succumbed to the fact that my wifes mental health is having serious lasting effects on our children (mainly my 6 year old).  Our youngest is 3.  Wife is seeking treatment and seeing a counsellor however, I feel it is the same as it always has been the past 2 years in terms of just going through the motions and using what the counsellor says as ammunition's against me.  I realize I have enabled her and some things I have said or done out of frustration was not ideal but I know I did my best with what I had.
 
My wife and our children's family doctor recommended I take my oldest full time at least as she is showing signs of taking after her mothers mental health.  She recommended therapy and severe intervention on my part for my oldest.  The neurologist also confirmed that our oldest is taking after her mother.    I hope to be getting documentation on my wife's condition(BPD, anxiety, depression, PTSD diagnosis) and her stay at the hospital last year due to contemplating suicide.   I will be seeing a lawyer later today with all the additional evidence I have of her erratic, threatening and impulsive behaviors.  I hope he says I have enough evidence and credence to file for protective custody and get my children full time sooner rather than later.

I myself and terrified and looking for any type of support, advise or thoughts on how this plan will go.  I am terrified of what my wife will do to our family and herself when I start the process.  Her threats of stealing the children has gone on the way side as I know I wont let that happen however, I fear of putting our children through more trauma than they already have.  Taking the kids mother away from them breaks my heart and I have been battling it hard the past few weeks.  Typically when she is decent and showing the kids love and myself some sort of calm understanding (short lived).  I wish I saw another viable option that isn't relying on my wife to make any changes.  My kids do love their mother as do I, but this has to end.

Any advise, support, other viable options or even ideas on how this may go moving forward will be greatly appreciated.  This group has saved my mental health more times than I can remember, I sure hope to be a voice in here when the dust settles to help those that are going through similar things.  I have never needed more help than I do now.  Anyone out there, please.

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry you find yourself at this juncture -- the decisions to be made are difficult and take careful planning.

Can your lawyer help you set up a way to get the protective order so that you are able to immediately have your children with you at the time your wife is served with the order? I don't know if that is an option in your state.

Are you considering filing for divorce, or are you just focused on removing the children from your wife's influence right now?

What are the current living arrangements -- separate residences?

[WalkingonEggshel]

We live in Canada.

I am just focused on the children at this point.  Divorce can happen whenever.  Currently we are all living in the same household.  Mostly due to my past hope that my wife will be ready. Now, because of fear and not having a solid plan set.

I'm so sorry you find yourself at this juncture -- the decisions to be made are difficult and take careful planning.

Can your lawyer help you set up a way to get the protective order so that you are able to immediately have your children with you at the time your wife is served with the order? I don't know if that is an option in your state.

Are you considering filing for divorce, or are you just focused on removing the children from your wife's influence right now?

What are the current living arrangements -- separate residences?

[worriedStepmom]

So your wife's doctor doesn't think she should have custody of the 6 year old?  That seems really huge, if the doctor is willing to testify to that.

The guilt is going to be overwhelming at first.  You're dealing with a new paradigm - being totally focused on your kids instead of your W's emotional wellbeing - and you are making changes that cause most kids some anxiety at first.  Divorce/separation is hard.

It's important to remember that you are not "taking the kids away from their mom".  My SD's uBPDmom tells us all the time that this is what H and I did.  But it isn't.  We made sure SD had a safe and emotionally healthy environment.  It is not our fault that mom did not have the mental and emotional capacity to maintain a healthy environment for SD.  We were not punishing mom - and you aren't trying to punish your W.  We just want the kids to be safe.

You are doing a good job of working on your plan right now.

[WalkingonEggshel]

The doctor said she is willing to give me all the documentation of my wifes unstable mental health.  Perhaps when I get it I can ask if she would be willing to testify or write up a letter saying that she believes I should have custody of the 6 year old.  I would think that would be huge too.

Thank you for the comment I have a hard time maintaining that mentality. My wife has said multiple times she wont take the kids from me and I shouldn't take them from her because I am a good dad and she is a good mom... 

So your wife's doctor doesn't think she should have custody of the 6 year old?  That seems really huge, if the doctor is willing to testify to that.

The guilt is going to be overwhelming at first.  You're dealing with a new paradigm - being totally focused on your kids instead of your W's emotional wellbeing - and you are making changes that cause most kids some anxiety at first.  Divorce/separation is hard.

It's important to remember that you are not "taking the kids away from their mom".  My SD's uBPDmom tells us all the time that this is what H and I did.  But it isn't.  We made sure SD had a safe and emotionally healthy environment.  It is not our fault that mom did not have the mental and emotional capacity to maintain a healthy environment for SD.  We were not punishing mom - and you aren't trying to punish your W.  We just want the kids to be safe.

You are doing a good job of working on your plan right now.

[worriedStepmom]

My wife has said multiple times she wont take the kids from me and I shouldn't take them from her because I am a good dad and she is a good mom... 

We hear that a lot too.  "I would NEVER take D away from you, so you shouldn't take D away from me!"

She'd never take D away from H because H is a good and stable parent and a judge would shut that crap down.  She can't acknowledge her own failings as a parent, both because she doesn't recognize them and because it would cause too much emotional pain to admit it to herself.  Right now, D only sees her mom during daylight hours EOW.  mom is now able to be a good mother, because we've put boundaries in place to make sure their time together is less stressful.  (One of those boundaries is less time, so it's a treat when they see each other.)

Your W is not mentally stable.  You are.  That means something when it comes to who cares for the children.

[WalkingonEggshel]

Thank you for the reply!

Your D only sees her mother during daylight hours once a week?  Supervised?  Was this a court order or an agreement between you and her?  Forgive me for prying but I feel this info would be helpful.

We hear that a lot too.  "I would NEVER take D away from you, so you shouldn't take D away from me!"

She'd never take D away from H because H is a good and stable parent and a judge would shut that crap down.  She can't acknowledge her own failings as a parent, both because she doesn't recognize them and because it would cause too much emotional pain to admit it to herself.  Right now, D only sees her mom during daylight hours EOW.  mom is now able to be a good mother, because we've put boundaries in place to make sure their time together is less stressful.  (One of those boundaries is less time, so it's a treat when they see each other.)

Your W is not mentally stable.  You are.  That means something when it comes to who cares for the children.

[ForeverDad]

BPD is a spectrum of behaviors.  And one aspect that can very widely is how attached the person with BPD (pwBPD) is to the children.

Some are so attached and possessive of them it's as though they see the children as extensions or validations of themselves.  That's quite common with disordered mothers.

On the other hand, there are also disordered parents who are more concerned and focused on their adult relationships and encounters.  That is the impression I have about your spouse.  As you've concluded, there is little you can do to influence her to not seek out encounters or affairs outside the marriage.  She's an adult, she has a right to live her live the way she chooses, she can and has made those decisions.  Your decision is to be a responsible parent, set proper boundaries and care for the children as best you can without expecting her to "do the right thing".  It's surely frustrating but... it is what it is.

[WalkingonEggshel]

Unfortunately, boundaries in regards to the kids have not been respected.  Most of which are healthy diet and keeping safe type of boundaries.  It sounds like it may be a long shot to be able to limit her influence on our kids,  even with a doctors recommendation?  My main concern at this point is our children and bringing them up healthy and safe.  Both of which I do not believe my wife is capable of.  Otherwise a decent divorce would be easy.

BPD is a spectrum of behaviors.  And one aspect that can very widely is how attached the person with BPD (pwBPD) is to the children.

Some are so attached and possessive of them it's as though they see the children as extensions or validations of themselves.  That's quite common with disordered mothers.

On the other hand, there are also disordered parents who are more concerned and focused on their adult relationships and encounters.  That is the impression I have about your spouse.  As you've concluded, there is little you can do to influence her to not seek out encounters or affairs outside the marriage.  She's an adult, she has a right to live her live the way she chooses, she can and has made those decisions.  Your decision is to be a responsible parent, set proper boundaries and care for the children as best you can without expecting her to "do the right thing".  It's surely frustrating but... it is what it is.