Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
August 01, 2021, 08:08:25 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things I couldn't have known
Supporting a Child in Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder
Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy
Am I the Cause of Borderline Personality Disorder?
Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)
94
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Introduction  (Read 140 times)
By Still Water
Ambassador
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 62


« on: June 08, 2021, 05:02:47 PM »

Hello All,

     Please excuse me for this length; it's my first post, so I thought background was necessary. My husband and I have come to the conclusion that our oldest - soon to be 40 - has BPD. Catastrophizing began when he was 5, though episodes were infrequent. He had always been wired  tightly - at times, a lot of fun, brainy, humorous, considerate - at other times, enraged at surprisingly small things. Just before going to grad school, his paycheck had slipped under a placemat and it was temporarily lost. He threw a fit, accused us, and picked up a tv to throw at my husband who had urged him to calm down. His sense of reality can be shockingly distorted...you are all familiar with "walking on eggshells," I'm sure.
      In 2nd grade, his vivacious persona became stressed by a school bully; he became unable to swallow...first visit to a psychologist. By 3rd grade, he was hiding under his school desk and having panic attacks. At this time, episodes were happening less frequent than what was to come, however they were increasing from previous years.
      By 6th grade, he was diagnosed with OCD and ADHD. (Fear of germs, of vomiting, and of something bad happening if game pieces weren't lined up "properly.") Panic attacks were increasing. So were holes in our walls. Sunday nights were tough - tantrums upon facing the return to school - a torn apart living room. Homework was seldom done, yet he always scored in the 90+ percentiles. During this year, he became paranoid that people were sneaking into our home, to poison his food. He also believed his beloved cat was a vampire. He had to have a private tutor at the end of 6th & 7th grades, because the meltdowns were static.
     Meltdowns and rages decreased a bit when he went to a specialized science high school; he fit in, more. When rages did happen, they were awful, with distorted thinking and vile verbal assaults on us.
     Fast forward to graduate school. That went not too bad, though a bat flew by him, once, and he convinced himself he had been bitten. That was an exhausting night of phone conversations to convince him he hadn't been bitten / infected with rabies. He almost quit, in a panic attack,  in the last lap of his Ph.d - yes, the boy who didn't do homework became a professor.
      He had always had difficulty making friends, though he has always had a few. He tends to abandon friendships after a while. Romantic relationships - the few - don't last longer than a few months. I believe he has difficulty compromising and negotiating, as he likes to be the "arrogant, right one" (according to a former gf).
      Three years ago, while still across the country, teaching, he cut off my husband, me, and his siblings, for 9 months. We were all scratching our heads, wondering what had ticked him off. I don't know what the issue was with his siblings, however he has said he does not like our political and spiritual beliefs - though we have never once urged our views on him - and we surely don't move to push his buttons. The disdain and rage come unprovoked, it seems.  Once he needed to leave academia and find a place to stay, he called to apologize for the vile things he had said. We allowed him to stay with us while he trained for a position in Asia.
       Once he went to live in Asia, we had happy conversations with him, once a week. Suddenly, he turned disdainful in his texts. This was last year. We thought we'd not entertain that text, so we waited for him to send us a more respectful one. He didn't, for some weeks, and then angrily accused us of not talking to him. My husband reached out to mend the perceived rift, by assuring him that we're open to talk, that we're happy for his work in Asia, that we love him, etc. He will not respond to my husband.  Our son has been texting me with small talk about his work; we have had nice chats, texting. My husband reached out, again, a month ago, in love. No response.
      A few days ago, I sent a text, saying I'd enjoy seeing photos of his city. He replied that he won't share those with me - that he hasn't recovered from us not talking to him - after he had sent the obnoxious text, last year. In our minds, he could have called us. Looking back, I see that we should have set boundaries about texts - that if they're accusing and obnoxious, we will not respond to texts until they become civil / commonly respectful. He will not give us his address in Asia.
     Well, all this is to say that I feel that it is lonely to go through this - so thanks for sharing your stories.  I've come to accept that we need to lead a healthy, peaceful, joyful married and family life (our other children enjoy relationships with us) and not allow his BPD to suck the life out of us. We have been happily married for 41 years, despite feeling put through the mill - and that we had advocated for this child in the school system (even hired a lawyer for a better placement when he said he wanted to die), "held his hand" through adolescence and meltdowns, etc. It is painful, though we're coming into a new phase of "Well, that's him." Recently, our son became irrationally incensed with his brother, on the phone, just because his brother civilly questioned his viewpoint. This other son is scratching his head, too, thinking it'll be a while before he can have a civil conversation with his brother.  My husband said, last week, that he dreads Fathers Day. I hurt for him, as he has tried so hard, over the years, to look out for him. Thanks for listening.
Logged
Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
KBug
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: living together part time
Posts: 59


« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2021, 01:14:41 PM »

I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this chaos.  It's heartbreaking and soul sucking. Seeing a therapist has really helped me to deal with my emotions about my life with a D with BPD. I hope that you read the stories on this site.  They have brought be comfort in knowing that I'm not alone and have given me insight into my own situation.  This is a great place to ask for advice and seek comfort.  I hope that you will be able to find some peace.
Logged
By Still Water
Ambassador
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 62


« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2021, 01:54:57 PM »

Thanks, Kbug. We had a support group in our previous state, however we recently moved to another state.
Logged
losttrust

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 46


« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2021, 09:24:16 AM »

very sorry to hear and hugs to you and your husband for all that you have gone through.  there are lots of resources here in how to help teach you how to handle those triggered.  but i also found myself a "victim" of text assaults/attack.  I don't engage- firm boundary set.  Make sure your phone doesn't notify the sender once read, this only feeds the madness. I turn the phone off after 9 and rarely if ever read his texts if tone is attack, complaint or inappropriate at all.  Try to get some support for you.  someone stated- "we didn't cause it, we can't cure it"  which sort of helped me with the guilt.   be well,
Logged
By Still Water
Ambassador
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 62


« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2021, 11:19:01 AM »

Thanks, Losttrust.

     You've confirmed something I decided a few days ago: I'll inform him that I look forward to his updates; however, the second I read degrading words, I will stop scrolling. This is a resourceful and comforting site.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!