Feeling so alone

[Bluejay12]

I have posted before about our daughter with BPD (36) and son in law who is a narcissist.   Sadly, they are parents to a 4 yo and a 3 month old.  We live 6 minutes away but they won’t let us see them.  We were allowed when they needed us but now they’re both home every day and don’t need us.  The 4 yo practically lived here the first 2 years of her life.  I know she must be asking where we are.  Just torcher.  The 4 yo has her own room here with toys and clothes.  This will be the third time in the past 2 years we’ve had to pack it up and give clothes away.  We can’t go through much more.  They blocked us from their phones and don’t connect with other family either.  They have isolated themselves and their children.  I know we need to care for ourselves because we can’t change them and have no legal grandparent rights in this state.  (We’ve consulted an attorney already).  How can we move forward with so much sadness?   Any ideas from this special group would be highly valued and most appreciated ❤️

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hi Bluejay,

     I'm not sure of ideas of what could be done, but I'm wondering...does her husband have parents that have also been cut off? Has he siblings that've been cut off?
     It seems that, eventually, grandchildren grow to an age where they want to investigate and get in touch with grandparents, questioning their parents' distance.
     I'm in my 60's, and it has only been in the past year or so that I've suspected that my grandparents (who lived  20 minutes away) were not deadbeats, as my sisters and I had been led to believe. I had suspected my mom had BPD (irrational rages)  and it was her doing that kept us away (other than 1 visit a year). On our own, my sister and I had re-contacted our grandmom.
    I know this doesn't help much; I'm sorry.

[Bluejay12]

Thank you for your heartfelt response.  Other set of grandparents were cut off a few years ago as was brother’s sibling.  They are now “useful” so they get to visit regularly but are too old and in poor health to babysit.  Brother lives 5 minutes away. Very dysfunctional household he lives in too.  My husband approaches 84 in a few months and I will be 65.  Time is valuable for us.  I do think you’re right though.  All we can do is be still and wait.  Someday their 4 yo will ask.  We are going to start writing her journals.  Nothing else we can do

[beatricex]

Bluejay12,
I like the idea about the journal and maybe add some pictures of the kids?  Don't know if your daughter has social media.  Most people post public pictures of their kids nowadays.  If not just include some old ones.

I am speaking from both my experience of being cutoff from my grandmother  when I was young (for many years infact) and I am currently a stepgrandma and yup we are cutoff from my husband's youngest daughter's kids lives.  They are 3 and 1.

When I finally did get to see my grandma I couldnt help but notice she had pictures of me and my siblings plastered all over her wall.  it really made me feel good

kids are pretty forgiving and when they do get to see u it will be majical.  hang in there keep posting here and maybe a solution will just present itself.  u have to at least hope for that right?

I had a therapist that used to say "maybe one day they will change"  it gave me something to look forward to the one day

 
b

[Bluejay12]

BreatriceX,
Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and presenting your unique life experiences.  It does help to know there are others like me.  I love your idea of adding photos.  We have thousands of our granddaughter but none since we’ve been cut off.  Her Mom never sends pics and we are blocked from her social media.  We will begin with our journals anyway though.  Our granddaughter is a very bright little girl with a superb memory.  We just have to keep hope and pray something changes so we can see her again. 
Thanks again for lifting me up tonight

[KBug]

The journal is a great idea.  My husband's ex also has BPD (and my step-daughter, too). The ex has engaged in some really nasty parental alienation and my husband was too afraid of her to do anything about it. He's better now but the kids are older. The kids (college-aged) are questioning in their own ways the narrative their mother has given them about their dad because they're now having their own toxic experiences with the ex and they see the difference between the environment at our house v. her house. However, this process is really difficult for them because their mother is emotionally abusive when they want to spend time with us or if they talk about having fun with us.  The kids feel really torn. They see how their mom behaves but they have always been told how their dad is responsible for all their mom's emotional issues and everything that she sees as less than perfect in their lives.

His therapist has encouraged him to write journal letters to his kids about his love for them as well as presenting his side of the story. She told him that if they come to him with accusations or wanting to hear his side of the story that he can tell them about the journal/letters and ask them if they want to read them.  She told him to be neutral and not pressure them but to make the offer an ongoing, open offer so that they can read them if/when they are ready to.