hard to set boundaries

[bookishgal]

so hard to manage feedback from my therapist regarding my adult child (21) who has BPD traits. therapist is telling me to confront her straight-on with feedback such as "your actions are hurting me."

from the bottom of my heart, i'd rather have bumpy relations than no contact; and i'm fearful that expressing my feelings in that way will completely severe ties.

i'm exhausted

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Bookishgal,

Is your daughter living independently?

It is so hard to communicate, for fear of triggering.
I think your therapist has given good advice. If saying "I'm hurt" is delivered calmly, and with care, the danger of triggering her is lessened, I'd think. On the other hand, you may be met with hardness. For example, our adult son has harshly devalued us, once again, and he has "estrangement-moded" us - even though, last year, he said his childhood was a good one. Recently, he has responded sneeringly to my request, for mutually respectful communication, that I noted with love. I don't feel that my sincere request triggered that - he was poised to strike because - in some weird way -  it's his self-validation mechanism. I guess what I'm saying is, it became evident I had nothing to lose by sincerely stating our feelings and by civilly requesting.