Support vs enabling

[losttrust]

I’m finding this distinction sometimes very difficult in what is support vs enabling. And different therapists will advise or council patient/parent -differently.  Those therapists less familiar with the manipulative nature of BPD folks do complicate all by giving council that is based on strategies which work on non BPD.  Seems they are unaware of the jeckel and Hyde aspect  This only adds more confusion to council, and sometimes can add fuel to fire with the BPD patient.

I’m told don’t enable, let your son crash and pick himself-  by one- non BPD therapist. By allowing him to crash is where the most growth comes.  And yet another of his therapist suggests to give him a lifeline tied to continued treatment (BPD therapist),  and yet another says set a time limit of support-tied to employment,  by his CBT case worker.  

They then discharged him early on day 17 of 30 from his very challenging to find and get insurance to cover -residential treatment   (his wishes) against my wishes-  as he told all three therapists he had a job lined up which he’d lose if not out of state by last Friday to secure. And he secured housing was all lined up. I got a battery of texts from my son saying this is his life, his choice and at 24 he is correct.  They suggested a short term fiscal support  to help him get on his feet tied to behavior growth and job stability.  And Off he flew out of state to stay w a high school friend who I was assured knew of his “issues’” would be welcome while obtaining new job and saving to move..  The residential case worker set him up for iop out state.  He spoke of how it was a good fit and no need for a car. Now in a  new state, hasn’t done intake even and no doubt the process will take time as starting over yet again. The residential staff drove him to the airport after he used my support budget  to get a ticket.  I had doubts based on my history with him that perhaps this wasn't fully truth.  More a means to leave treatment early.  Now he’s in full crash mode 3 days later, no one to lean on therapy  wise.  He’s Spam texting me.  He lied to the therapists on his pie in sky plans, seems job interview went south -  and his helpful willing friend wants him to leave ASAP,  so no roof over his head and in a different state.  So I’m getting constant-texts  calls and pleas for help.  Support vs enabling.  Now how to reply?  

What I’ve done - Sent him phone number to prior residential as they'll take him back “conditionally”. I’ll buy the ticket to return to residential.  I love him but have told him he’s not welcome home. His past recent history he was violent,  and threatening.  Im not comfortable he’s not improved enough. Triggers at home  remain.  I do pay for his cell bill so he can make calls out.  He’s down to 130.00 in checking. Hopeful he either gets iop situated today or chooses to return to residential and finish it out. This his job to do. Big decisions for him  today.  

He left residential on day 17 of 30.  And what wasn’t helpful was a therapist who kept referring to him as high functioning and then every Sunday when they left him alone without therapy to contact he crashed-  the therapist then seemed  surprised by his continued patterns of maladaptive behavior?   But Bpd therapist was helpful on dbt skills and some improvement was made in those first 17 days .   Sort of venting and sharing here…. But I feel really stuck a bit on the now what?  I’ve limited my engaging. 57 txts yesterday left unanswered.   And remind him to write things down in his journal. We can chat after my work 6-9 pm tonight he can share his plans if he chooses.  And I don’t answer after hour night text  pleas, or calls.  He’s even called the local police asking for a welfare check on me! To shame me into returning late night calls. Thankfully they have educated staff that talk hun down and I get a voicemail as a heads up..  Most concerning as he will then spam my. 85 yr old mother and it weighs heavy on her.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi Lost ,
It looks you are doing a good job in supporting your adult son.   This is a hard , twisty issue and sometimes help and enabling overlap.  When enabling inadvertently happens, don't beat yourself.

You have  set limits.  Trust your gut.  If something feels off to you by way of giving him help, trust that to the highest possible extent that you are able to ( it will be hard).   Weigh your gut with his history .
Now what?
 ~I think with your mother , can you have ongoing dialogue with her over his texts to her , maybe even advise her to ignore/ or set up the same boundaries you have with him?
~ You- This will be the hard part- keeping the good boundaries you have set  especially with his bank account being low.   Mother guilt is heavy and the BPD adult child knows this.  It may not be consciously malicious on his part  as he( as all BPDs) truly thinks you are the plan A for all his ills / his life.  These boundaries will help him see some layer of reality ( hopefully) .  He has info on the new residential. He has his previous therapist to call as well.
~ If possible, for extra support for you the following has helped me: 1. My own therapist to help me navigate boundaries / guilt  etc. 2.. Free family online 12 gtep support groups such as Codependents anonymous ( helps with keeping focus on us, not the BPD). 3Yoga and meditation, finding new hobbies. 4. writing here anytime you need.
Please keep us posted, you are not alone.

[losttrust]

Appreciate the kindness.  I have days I sort of have a pity party.  Just so very sad for all involved.  This disorder impacts the entire family, close friends, neighbors, local police even...  It's just such a shame that there are not enough therapists adequately educated in BPD- should be mandated in all behavior health clinics.  And insurance ought to be more pro active to support these kids early on.  As they age, it just gets more complicated.  Hard enough to let go of the relationship as I pictured we would have in his youth.  I am now working towards what our relationship might be or one I will agree to, based around my boundaries.  I love him very much.  When he calls or we have in person contact, I am on high alert.  I feel I have a bit of ptsd from his rages, which I will need help to heel.  I know he feels guilt for his past actions and we try to dance around the initial awkwardness.  And, most likely I will be one who he will blame to justify his actions to himself/others.  BPD is a terrible disorder.  thanks again.  This forum to vent / share is very helpful 

[formflier]

Please don't send him any money directly.

I would purchase him a refundable ticket to return to residential treatment.  That way if he does NOT use the ticket, you can get your money back.

If this is the first time he has "appeared to pull a fast one" on you...then I would count this as a lesson learned.

Tough spot to be in. 

I'll end by doubling down on what Swimmy55 said.  "trust your gut".  I got the feeling that you could tell some of the "advice" was not on target.  Is that right? 

Did that advice turn out to be on target or be "bad advice"?

Best,

FF

[losttrust]

Thank you for the input

[Leaf56]

Reading your post, I'm struck by the idea that we are really just looking for someone to let us off the guilt hook. I'm pretty sure most of us moms have done the best we can and as much as we can. I feel very bad if this is a genetic disorder but in the end, they're adults and they need to be responsible for themselves. I've mourned over the past 2 years for the person I thought he was, but that person is gone or never existed and I'm pretty sure that no matter what happens he's never coming back. So more and more I'm thinking I'll just get on with my life. If he changes for real, he can contact me.