First Post - 20 yo daughter texted painful accusations and cut off communication

[M-T]

I'm trying to work on establishing boundaries. I saw another thread about setting boundaries about text messages and I appreciated that because so much of my communication with my 20-yo is text. I read these self-help books and they are always about verbal communication (also difficult with my daughter!). What happens when they bombard you with terrible texts about a multitude of topics?

My 20-yo daughter recently bombarded me with a lot of texts about how - for years - I haven't ever supported her (emotionally or financially), been proud of her, have rejected her, invalidated her, etc. This seemed to stem from difficult conversations I had to have with her around money, loans, and establishing credit (she gets mad at me when I have to explain to her policies that I don't create and that she doesn't like or think are fair) and us telling her she couldn't live in our rental property. She was obviously giving me the silent treatment so I tried to call multiple times because I did not want to converse by text anymore.

I assure you her accusations are very untrue (though certainly painful and it's hard not to question yourself and I'm working hard on the "reflecting not sponging" and setting boundaries). All these texts were followed by her telling me not to contact her by text right now. She has never outright banned me from communicating. At the time, I felt relieved because I was just in so much pain and I wanted to defend her every accusation and knew that was useless. I get worried when I don't hear from her, though. She's very unstable, often suicidal.

I emailed her asking for clarification on the communication boundaries she was setting forward. I told her I was really sad about how she has experienced these years together and how different our memories are of them. And that I love her and am here for her. I know she is just scared and feels alone and misunderstood. But I have been through so much with her, so much therapy of my own, I'm exhausted and fed up and it's hard to know how to move forward.

I don't know what to say to her the next time we do communicate (she did text me today because she needed me to deposit a check for her). Do I ignore all the terrible things she said? Or perhaps I just focus on the mode of communication. Tell her that I need her to communicate with me verbally so I have the opportunity to be a part of the conversation. Or as the other thread suggests, let her know that if she is going to say that kind of stuff, even if it is how she feels, I will stop reading. I anticipate she will continue to think that I am ignoring her feelings. And I'm still really terrible at setting boundaries verbally. I need practice. I've followed the path of least resistance mostly.

Anyway, any advice is welcome but I think I also just need to hear from other people that mare going through this.

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

People here will easily understand your exhaustion and distress - we are all dealing with similar things, and sometimes it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

I am not really a good person to offer any advice. I also have found it hard to set boundaries, mainly because sometimes I just want some short time of peace.

But there is one thing that I have discovered about myself. I realise that when something happens - eg I say 'no' to a request for money - there will be a huge outburst of abuse towards me. But I found I kept thinking of how I could explain it to DD, somehow to make her understand etc.

Of course trying to do this just keeps it all going, and she keeps trying to get her own way through abuse and all sorts of manipulating ways.

Now, once I've drawn a line, I move on.

I understand how difficult it is when your child blocks you, and so much more when they are fragile. Many people here talk of the 3 C's - I didn't cause this, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

You love your daughter and have done all that you can. You can walk the journey with her, but you can't do it for her.

Living with the uncertainty is terribly hard. Try to take care of your self during this time, and know that there are all of these people here who understand just how difficult this journey is.

[By Still Water]

Hi M-T,
    I can relate to the temptation to address / defend accusations from the BPD loved one. In recent years, I've gotten to the point where I don't address these. They're irrational charges from an irrational state of mind, that reason can't permeate. I think addressing the charges feeds BPD's satisfaction that they've struck & hurt us, giving them some feeling of "Well, those accusations paid off." I also think our verbal defenses reinforce the accusations.
     There's such a bizarre swing, back and forth, isn't there? For example, some months back, "J" (40 yrs. old, volunteered to tell (text) us he had a good childhood with us. A few weeks later, he was back to sneering & verbal slams. Last week, when I asked him if he'd like to agree to mutually honoring conversations, he texted that "honoring" was no longer in his vocabulary, saying we had "emotionally and psychologically abused and neglected" him in his childhood. (Actually, we had advocated for him, with our school district, saw to his care, and wrung out hearts out over his inability to navigate life.)  I will say, it's a relief and so freeing to no longer play into the trap of the BPD blame game. Now, I assure him that we care and are rooting for his best wellness - short and sweet.
    Hearts are with you - we know the same, worn road.

[M-T]

Thanks to you both for your responses. It helps to hear from others and between what I read here and the book I've been reading (Walking on Eggshells), it is just crazy how familiar so many of the stories and descriptions are. We didn't have a BPD diagnosis until last year so it has been helpful to have something specific to read about besides "PTSD," "Depression," etc. Sure wish we would have known years ago but I know it's common not to until later. I readily accepted the diagnosis when I read about it because it was so spot on but have felt too overwhelmed and sad to really dive in. Between working through crisis after crisis with my BPD daughter, working full time, raising two other young children...I just couldn't find it in me.

I think perhaps this last drama was an important thing to happen for me - for me to see how out of touch her feelings are with reality and to know it. And to accept this is forever. I have definitely been using the three Cs and I have been telling myself, "You need to learn to live with this." But I need to learn to live with it in a healthy way for me and my family. I felt I neglected my middle child so much when her behavior started changing dramatically about 6 years ago. My other child was a newborn at the time and so between my daughter and my newborn...

Sometimes looking back I have no idea how I have made it through and am still (mostly) sane and healthy. And to stay that way, I really need to get better at communicating with her, setting boundaries, and not feeling guilty about it. I like the phrase, "I understand you feel that way, and I see it differently." But, of course, that can only be said if communication is "allowed".