My 22 year old daughter

[Depletedmom]

I am the mother of an adopted 22 year old daughter. Sadly, she was sexually abused by my now ex husband, her adoptive father, for thirteen years. She finally came forward at 15 and he was thrown out. Life actually became much worse after he left because she felt she had lost her "person" in life.

Over the past ten years, I have done everything possible to access help for her. She has been to rehab programs, hospitals, IOP's, body work sessions, individual therapy - you name it. During this entire time, she demonized me to everyone she met. I tried to ignore what she told friends, family, teachers, and clinicians in the effort to help her. She has used substances and been in sex work for a decade now.

I finally decided that I can't continue to help her because she doesn't seem to ever get any better. I asked her to leave. I don't know where she is and I'm not making any effort to find out. I am interested in hearing from parents who have taken a firm line. How have you managed? How has it turned out? Do you have any regrets?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

I have not been in your situation, but your post has been on my mind since I read it. You have really suffered a great deal through the betrayal of your husband and the illness of your daughter.

I know there are others here who have asked their child to leave, for a variety of reasons. The journey to that decision is long and painful and you have made the decision that is right for you in your circumstances.

You haven't said how you are feeling now? Possibly a mixture of many emotions - and of course mental and physical exhaustion. Now is a moment to care for yourself and take the time to recover from the years and years of stress.

Sending thoughts and support to you as you begin this new stage of your journey.

[Gizzi]

My heart is breaking for you after seeing your post. My daughter will be 22 in October and she too is engaging in sex acts to make money that she does not want to get a job that requires wearing a face mask. She says she will look for a job when employers don't require wearing a face mask because it hurts your face.,(could be that she has some kind of a nerve disorder on her face but it's not being diagnosed) but in the meantime she has been drinking and abusing her meds. I feel she's probably not very far behind from the direction your daughter is going. I also think that we will become a day will I will have to let her leave my house, which breaks my heart but there's only so much I can do. Just as your name States as feeling depleted. I hope you have close family and friends to help you with this situation as I do with my husband and my 24-year-old daughter who seems to be on the right track and very independent. I am emotionally numb at times heart is breaking I cannot continue on like this. I pray that you find peace in all this.

[Depletedmom]

I appreciate the replies from both of you. Sancho, you asked how I am now. Frankly, I am finding that I am relieved by not having to cope with my daughter's demands or negative commentary about me. I haven't spoken to her for a month now. I don't plan on some long term estrangement but am realizing that she needs to experience the natural consequences of her actions.

Gizzi - I empathize with your situation. I have two sons who have struggled but who are doing well now. This helps enormously when one child seems to consistently hurt herself. At least, I have the comfort of knowing that two are ok. As far as sex work goes - I am really disappointed and somewhat enraged that our culture is accepting of this for young women. I have been chastised by clinicians because I don't agree with this choice for my daughter (she was molested starting at age two). It seems as if common sense is absent. Sex work also pays much better than other jobs, unfortunately. A few years ago, I couldn't imagine that I would make the choice of asking her to leave. She was living with her brother and he had rules regarding no sex work and no use of substances. She violated the rules and he kicked her out. I backed him up and she apparently found a place to stay. As we all know, however, life can be pretty tough when you have to pay for everything. My hope is that she will learn. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Leaf56]

Hi Depletedmom, Upthread I asked a similar question to yours. What happens when we stop helping them, has anyone else done this, and what were the results. I'm getting the feeling that unless I say I will no longer help that this will go on for the rest of his life. Sure there could be some improvement, but at what cost to me and the rest of my family? At this point I just feel like, if he ends up killing himself then that's his choice. But the emotional blackmail just feels like a giant toddler tantrum and I never stood for those then and I won't now.