Wanted: Divorce from BPD Success Stories

[shopgirl26]

I'm feeling pretty defeated with my uphill legal battle against an ex-wife with BPD who is raging and refusing to comply with the family court. (We have no kids, no property, just litigating over an emotional support animal. It's my ESA. My ex broke into my apartment and stole it. She's refused to return him to me, despite a settlement letter, a $3,000 cash offer, etc. She's about to get served. We are going to court.)

I'm looking for some hope. Obviously, divorce from a BPD spouse is hell. My heart goes out to anyone who knows what it's like.

Has anyone here ended up with a (rare) positive outcome at the end of a long and painful court battle? Anybody's BPD back off, give up, or tire themselves out?

I need the hope.

Thanks

[kells76]

I think what is hopeful is that you are going into this MILES ahead of those who are still deep in the "FOG" (fear, obligation, and guilt) of the relationship.

The fact that you are posting here and mentioning Bill Eddy's work means you are that much further away from being blindsided by the irrationality, entitlement, vindictiveness, etc, that sadly will likely come from your ex-pwBPD.

Some pwBPD have periods of "painting you white" after a breakup or being slightly (or, sometimes, excessively) more congenial/cooperative, if/when they get a new romantic/relational interest.

What is hopeful for you is to know that ahead of time, and use that info to your advantage. These "windows" of cooperation don't always last, so knowing that --while not guaranteed -- it can happen, but not be sustainable, is really really critical for you.

Another hopeful thing for you is that you have no kids. It will be 10000% easier for you to end all contact when you don't have to coparent. So, for you, a positive outcome after things go to court is that you won't be left with a parenting plan. You can really "take the steering wheel" on what you want YOUR life to look like after court, and share that with your lawyer, and build "automatic outcomes" into any agreement/ruling, that protect YOU and your life, and leave no doors left for her to bust your boundaries without any consequences.

I think you've already checked out member "stolencrumbs" 's thread -- one example of using the legal system/court outcomes for self-protection was the suggestion that stolencrumbs tie any kind of alimony to his ex with conditions that she NEVER contact him in any way, and if she contacts him in ANY way, he is freed from that point on from paying her alimony.

Creative thinking like that will get you through the stress and intensity of the near future and give you some hope that there will be an end to all this, and there are ways for you to protect yourself and not let her back in your life, and put the responsibility for those choices back on her, where they belong.

Our situation is different; DH has two kids, and sadly it's been stressful pretty much the whole time. The kids are in their teens now and I guess the hope we have is that once they're both past 18, we no longer have to deal with their mom and stepdad directly. And, we have hope that one day they'll see a bigger picture than they're being allowed to see. There was sort of a brief "window" of cooperation/"painted white" for DH right before the divorce was final, but unfortunately he was in a different place than you back then, and was not able to see it. My hope for you is that you can have the education and insights here (and in books, and with professionals) to place yourself 5 steps ahead and really be able to strike when the iron is hot.

So, hope looks a lot of different ways, I guess.

[shopgirl26]

Hi Kells76,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send such a detailed response. I so appreciate your kind words.

I’m feeling armed with information from the experts which is helping. I’ve never heard of “painting white”. I definitely experienced that for the first week of the breakup. Ex was sending me messages about how we should stay friends, I was her best friend, she couldn’t picture not having me in her life, etc. I used that time to ask for what I needed (custody of dog) in writing. She agreed in writing. I told her I was registering dog as ESA. she enthusiastically supported it in writing. Now I have a string of written agreements to use against her in court when she argues she never agreed to my keeping the dog.

I’m hoping for another painting white period but based on the rage and the lengths to draw others into this narrative that I’m an abuser, I doubt it. But interesting to know if she starts dating someone soon, she may be more inclined to cooperate and get this over with.

[Rev]

Hi Kells76,

Thank you so much for taking the time to send such a detailed response. I so appreciate your kind words.

I’m feeling armed with information from the experts which is helping. I’ve never heard of “painting white”. I definitely experienced that for the first week of the breakup. Ex was sending me messages about how we should stay friends, I was her best friend, she couldn’t picture not having me in her life, etc. I used that time to ask for what I needed (custody of dog) in writing. She agreed in writing. I told her I was registering dog as ESA. she enthusiastically supported it in writing. Now I have a string of written agreements to use against her in court when she argues she never agreed to my keeping the dog.

I’m hoping for another painting white period but based on the rage and the lengths to draw others into this narrative that I’m an abuser, I doubt it. But interesting to know if she starts dating someone soon, she may be more inclined to cooperate and get this over with.

I used pretty much the same strategy until such time as she returned to being angry - then predatory. But by then, she had made enough mistakes, and she knew it. Sounds like you've got it under control - even as we know that this is neither easy nor fun. My therapist told me to do whatever I needed to do to "stay in my rational self".  That was good advice.

Hang in there.

Rev

[MeandThee29]

Mine felt like it took forever, but it was over 3 1/2 years from separation to being able to close my file with my attorney. It just felt like forever.

Never, ever should have been that way. We tried for year to work it ourselves long-distance before I decided that his version of reconciliation was a big no-go. Then after some months he kicked off with his attorney, and I got mine when it was clearly going bad. Both attorneys commented on how easy it was going to be. There were no custody issues, no real estate, and no business issues. Nope. Mine said he'd give me a whole chapter if he ever wrote a book. His called my ex "the worst client ever."

We settled without going to court, but it was rough. My ex fought almost every single piece and added stuff to the agreement that never should have been there. Thankfully what he added was unenforceable and already covered by the law, but we left all that in there so we didn't have to fight through it. At signing, my attorney brought his own copy and gave me a copy to make notes on so I'd know what had to be done and what didn't have to be done. Then we went through the same thing in closeout.

You just have to hang on. I haven't heard from him now in quite awhile. He was always someone who "moved on" with different friends if he moved or started a new position, not someone who keeps in touch with people from the past. So I have to believe that he's done the same with me because of the distance. I naively thought we might remain friends, but no way. Not after that divorce.

[Rev]

.

You just have to hang on. I haven't heard from him now in quite awhile. He was always someone who "moved on" with different friends if he moved or started a new position, not someone who keeps in touch with people from the past. So I have to believe that he's done the same with me because of the distance. I naively thought we might remain friends, but no way. Not after that divorce.

Your story is so similar to mine - with one exception. I had a shark of a mentor who literally pushed me into the offensive from the get-go and never let her catch her breath. I had two attorney's on the go. One who wrote the opening salvo of a letter after I promised her that I would go easy on her (that was a lie - but by then I figured what's good for the goose) and then I had kinder lawyer who just kept things moving along - raised the bar so high in the divorce settlement that when she started removing stuff, we got to where we needed to be. But there is NO way I could have accomplished that without an army of help to prop me up.

I don't know exactly why, but I just trusted my friends and helpers and they came through for me.

Phew...

[ForeverDad]

There is a pattern here in the replies and I will add a few more...

• If you want to end the cycles of idolization and disparagement — while the pwBPD doesn't seek meaningful therapy and truly apply it for improved behavior — you have to end the relationship.  Period.  No middle ground staying friends or whatever.  Sorry.
• View the end of the relationship (separation, divorce, etc) more like dissolving a business relationship.  Set aside the intense emotions and apply productive strategies to get it done.  Too often justice does not get served, but it's an imperfect world and so do what you can.
• Seeking closure from your Ex will risk your attempts being sabotaged.  Gift yourself closure and Move On with your life.
• It is not so much that you win your case, it's more like the Ex loses her case, eventually.
• Appeasement, peacemaking efforts and giving in to demands and ultimatums are not productive strategies.
• If you share children with the pwBPD then have firm boundaries and consequences in your contact and parenting order.  Since pwBPD and with other acting-out PDs resist and obstruct boundaries, effective boundaries are ones you have as response to the poor behaviors.
• BPD and the other acting-out PDs are indications of mental illness, though in most cases the misbehaviors are not severe enough to require imprisonment or commitment.
• You as the one who experienced the brunt of the poor behaviors for years ought to be respected when you want to voice your perspectives but beware that courts and other professionals working with the courts don't want you to Play Doctor.  In fact courts appear pointedly disinterested in whether the other spouse has mental illness.  Court doesn't try to fix people, it deals with them the way they are.  So should we.  Court typically creates orders to require certain behaviors, based on the documentation before the court.  We need to provide whatever documentation we have to the court so it can address it

I wouldn't quite describe my history as a success story but it did work out... eventually.  I had been married over a decade but over time my spouse had gradually worse behaviors.  We tried to have a child, my thinking was so she could focus on the joys of watching a child discovering the joys of life.  Sadly she started reliving her childhood terrors — an abusive stepfather — through him.  Didn't help that she henceforth perceived me differently as I had become a father.

Life lesson here... Having a child does not fix deep marital discord or dysfunction.  Rather, it typically raises the level of family dysfunction and greatly complicates things when the relationship or marriage fails.

So I called the police one weekend and that triggered our separation.  Nothing got fixed and a few months later I started divorce.  She obstructed all the way and every item on the divorce checklist had to be completed, and there were a few continues that added to the delays.  The separation and divorce process took over two years, the entire time she had temp orders that granted her default preference as mother.  And nothing and no one stopped her from making repeated baseless ("unsubstantiated") allegations against me with every agency she could find.

On Trial Day she switched and was ready to settle.  I had prepared for trial and knew the Custody Evaluator, an experienced child psychologist, had recommended starting with an attempt at Shared Parenting.  Maybe I was a bit peeved at the expense of two years and lawyer bills but I stated my sole additional condition, that I be the parent with school responsibility.  (I had concerns she would move around — which it turned out she did — and I'd have to follow her as his schools changed.)  So strange how mothers always are automatically assumed to get default preferences.  Anyway, she gave in and we exited the divorce with equal time and authority.

Both lawyers claimed have school responsibility meant nothing.  But history tells a different story.  Her school, which had previously stated they had resolved prior issues with her, agreed to permit our son to remain there in kindergarten for the final few months of the school year.  But several weeks later, after more incidents with her, her school gave me one day's notice to register our son in my school district.  Lesson learned:  If she had remained as school contact they would have suffered quietly with her, but once I took over they were free to dump her/us like a hot potato.

She still had conflict as before so I returned to seek custody and majority time.  My lawyer loved one exchange with her testimony, an infamous story here.  One of my examples of conflict was how she'd sabotaged my vacation notice by claiming she wanted to observe Kwanzaa which was in the middle of my winter vacation.  While I'd always known her ancestry was mixed from the Caribbean, she had never claimed to be from African roots.  She testified "though I am not Jewish descent, I want to observe it." Clearly she had it confused with Hanukkah.  Of course my lawyer wasn't going to tell her that and her lawyer couldn't step in either.  So he kept asking her to describe her Jewish Kwanzaa.  After some three times stumbling around, her lawyer objected saying the question had been answered.  I don't recall exactly where in her testimony but at one point I saw the magistrate (His Honor BumpOnALog) fold his arms on his desk and lay his head down.

The decision was that my Change of Circumstance petition was granted and we shifted to the main court.  The GAL (Guardian ad Litem) wanted to be a deal maker.  I would became Legal Guardian and ex would keep equal time so she could get child support.  We settled.

Conflict continued due to her sense of entitlement.  Within a couple years I was back in court.  This time two full days of testimony.  I was finally able to play several recordings of her playing games with exchanges, as well as some screaming rants.  So weird, she testified, "That's my voice but I don't remember it."  A couple teachers testified about how she sabotaged son's Fifth Grade overnight field trip.  And I provided a school report on the tardies to school the prior year, of some twenty tardies, nearly all were on her scheduled time.

The decision was for me to finally get majority time but only during the school year.  So strange, my issues were year-round but court gave school more importance than me.  Whatever.  Her entitlement balloon was deflated sufficiently that we did not return to court for the next 6 years until he aged out of the system when he became an adult.

That's my success story over the course of some 8 years in and out of court.

[MeandThee29]

Your story is so similar to mine - with one exception. I had a shark of a mentor who literally pushed me into the offensive from the get-go and never let her catch her breath. I had two attorney's on the go. One who wrote the opening salvo of a letter after I promised her that I would go easy on her (that was a lie - but by then I figured what's good for the goose) and then I had kinder lawyer who just kept things moving along - raised the bar so high in the divorce settlement that when she started removing stuff, we got to where we needed to be. But there is NO way I could have accomplished that without an army of help to prop me up.

I don't know exactly why, but I just trusted my friends and helpers and they came through for me.

Phew...

Yes, thankfully I started out with an attorney who recommended being reasonable with a few extras. My ex met with a shark who said he could have anything he wanted, and then my ex wrote a rageful, crazy agreement himself that my attorney said was the work of a terrorist. I booked an office appointment to decide what was a must and what we could put out there that would be nice but not required so they would have plenty to lop off. Then my attorney wrote a perfectly reasonable, legal agreement that we sent them. Negotiations took way longer than they should have, but I got a solid settlement without going to court. Closeout was also way longer than it should have been, but we got it done.

Believe me, I thank God every day for my legal team. They were insightful, responsive professionals the whole way.