Feel so rejected

[Sloth10]

I am so glad to have found this forum.  My daughter is 18 and has BPD.  To cut a long story short her Dad and I separated in 2017.  It was my decision and I believe she holds me responsible for the pain caused to all involved.

DD lives full time with her Dad now, she used to split it 50/50 until her disorder became apparent in 2020.

A couple of weeks ago she had an episode where she went missing and tried to harm herself.  I called the police and she was found.  She had already called herself an ambulance.

I sent her a supportive text to say I was proud of her, how she looked after herself and kept herself safe by seeking help.  I got a reply saying I was patronising.

Emotions were still raw and I sent her a message back stating that I feel really sad because I don't seem to know what she needs as I barely see her.  I also said she makes me feel that she dislikes me and that she doesn't want me as her Mum.

DD said that whilst my feelings were valid I should not have sent the message and that it was inappropriate.  Since then she has not read my messages.  I send just a plain statement of fact each day.  Little things about my day such as I saw a funny sight on the way to work.  Today I decided to go see her.  As soon as she saw it was me she said NO and pulled her bed covers over her head.  I asked if she wanted to see me and she said NO.  I left.

I am battling two conflicting emotions.  I know she is unwell and is probably splitting.  However the human in me thinks if I am so unwelcome why bother trying any more.  I am her Mum so of course I will keep trying but right now I feel like the worst parent in the world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[incadove]

Hi Sloth10

That is so painful, to feel rejected by your daughter after having so much of your heart and soul tied to her for so many years.

The hardest thing for me, I think, is to give space without resentment when my dd wants space.  I know I made terrible mistakes but I also know I tried hard and meant well and poured much of myself into being a mother.  Now it is my job to respect her wishes and give her space when she wants it.  Its hard because I wish the relationship was different.  But it is what it is, and radical acceptance is a good thing to keep in mind.

Another thing that helps me, is to use the "Metta" meditation, have you tried it?  It basically starts by wishing happiness and good things for yourself, then those you feel warm towards, then towards people who are difficult for you and then everyone.  It helps me.

Do you have friends you can talk to?  You can also talk here on this forum, you will find friends here.  If your daughter needs space that is hard, maybe find someone else you can pour your heart out to, while trying in interactions with her to be sensitive only to her needs at this time.  Later if she wants to hear how you feel you can tell her.  But if she wants only distance and support in her healing journey maybe that is the best you can do right now?

I wish I could fix the past, and have made different choices, and gotten more support so I would have known what to do when I felt overwhelmed.  But I know I can't, and all we can do is try to do the best we can now for the future. 

Best of luck and do share here, you will find a supportive community who understands. 

[Sloth10]

Hi incadove

That’s all really good advice thank you.

I’m lucky that I have a very good support system in my partner and friends. It’s such a steep learning curve!

[By Still Water]

     Sloth10, your DD's response sounds like my DS's. Once I learned to not pursue him often, I experienced more peace - the space Incadove describes. Currently, he wants distance (again); since he's practically 40, and in another country. I'm fine with that. Social distance, I think, can actually give the BPD person room to learn what they might not learn, otherwise. 
     The reason I don't tell him how his devaluations hurt, is that I don't want to feed his BPD's satisfaction of pay-offs for his barbs. The BPD wants to "punish," so telling them that we feel injured only gives them a sense of efficacy in that department - encouraging them to repeat the behavior, I believe. I've learned to tell myself, "It's the illness." All said, we miss the the good times with him.

[Sloth10]

Hi By Still Water.  It's lovely to hear from others who understand.  I actually stopped messaging after Sunday in the hope that some distance will make my DD realise I do actually have value.  I hadn't realised that BPD likes to punish.

I feel a little better now that I have stopped mentally swimming against the tide of my DD's emotions and trying to make her realise she still has a Mum that loves her.  Only time will tell as to whether her illness allows her to make contact again.

[By Still Water]

Hi Sloth10,
   I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling a little better, as you've said. I like the way you put it: "swimming against the tides of her emotions."
    I remember the first time I had received a harsh, shocking, & devaluing text from our son, just after we had seemed to have such a good time together. I cried & was horrified. Now, I understand the disorder so much more. I'm more imperturbable by the "whipping words" during irrational rants in which he generalizes and catastrophizes. Of course, easier said than done now that he lives far away. My heart hurts for fellow parents who experience the verbal abuse at close range.

[Oceanfish]

It's helpful to know I'm not the only one trying to manage and understand. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. My daughter has refused to communicate with me for a few years. Everything I say offends her and she says for that reason, she won't read messages or take calls. (she's in her mid 30s) I've spent this time reading everything I can find on BPD. There are also some very good Youtube videos on the subject and I've been working with a therapist for support, as well. It's given me some peace to understand that it's not personal. However, it's frustrating and quite sad to find that others believe she's "mad" at me and there's certainly something I might have done to upset her. There are times I feel isolated and estranged from family who appear to believe this is my fault.

[incadove]

hey @oceanfish and @Sloth10 and all

I just wanted to share one thing my daughter shared with me once, that she feels sometimes she has to distance for her mental heath and not to take it personally.

And this jibes with some of the reading I've done, where the BPD individual feels this intense pain from what for someone else would be a pretty normal interaction.  Its not that their pain is "right" it just is, for them.  Thinking of it that way helps me accept that if my dd needs to distance from me, then I'm going to assume she knows what is best for herself and accept it, and that maybe it is really what she needs to do for the next stage in her self-development.

Its still very hard, and easy to feel guilty, I used to have a lot more feelings of drama and ups and downs.  right now I am working on accepting, ok, she is choosing not to have contact with me and she feels that is best for her; I want what is best for her, so ok, I will accept that and try not to take it personally.  But of course i worry about it and also am unsure it really is the best course!  I send an email every few weeks with a positive offer or message so she knows I am continuing to keep the door open. 

This is maybe easier for me bc I had very strong boundaries against any kind of harmful language or behavior so I really don't feel I was harmed at all by my dd, its just a choice she is making. 

I don't know what works for anyone else, I guess just sharing that I'm sort of at peace now tho I definitely have it rising and falling in my mind underneath all the time.

[By Still Water]

Incadove,

I think you’ve made such an insightful point: distancing for the BPD child may be meant as a way for them to have the quiet - to sort themselves or their situation out. This comforts me, a lot.

[Oceanfish]

I really do appreciate the insights. I've also sent periodic emails, although I suspect she's blocked me. I'm in the process of moving so I packed up photo albums and sent them to her with a little note. I hope that she finds them comforting. She had a very nice childhood and the albums are filled with pictures of parties, camping with friends, Girlscout outings...or she might toss them. I honestly do believe she needs the space she's created. It just seems like such a wasted opportunity. Life is speeding by and we'll never get these years back.

[Sloth10]

@oceanfish I totally get what you mean when it feels like other family members now believe you must have done something to deserve this treatment.

I just posted on a different thread but my DD messaged about 10 days ago.  It was a long message telling me that I need to change for the good of myself and everyone around me. She doesn’t specify what needs to change in her opinion. She also stated that my behaviour has been difficult throughout her life but it’s not my fault due to my own childhood. Strange as my childhood was a normal happy one. She finished by telling me I am pathetic for crying when I went to see her and she refused to let me in. Apparently I manipulated the whole situation by not asking if I could come over first. This would have been difficult seeing as she was ignoring all my texts at the time.

I’m now being ignored again. I replied and said I was pleased to hear from her, that growing up feeling like this must have been really difficult, and that my door is always open.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[hurtmom]

Hi Sloth10  my daughter sounds just like yours, my daughter is 22.
when she lived on her own in college we actually did well, but once she moved back home it has gone down hill.
I truly gave my heart and soul into being what I thought was a good mom, but she has told me I was terrible she had a terrible childhood we are not a family - which is so different from the childhood I saw her have, sports, summer vacations. it is like we were in 2 different homes. She keeps saying I abused her by invalidating her feelings, and like you everything I do or say gets twisted and turned into a negative. I have been letting her treat me poorly in hopes she will see how important she is to me, but now  especially after reading everyone's posts I think it is best I step away let her fly ( with support as she needs ) and pray one day she returns. I am heart broken