Children are being put on children in need

[Happiness40]

I don’t know if anyone remembers my last post of me having my husband arrested.
I ended up dropping the charges I felt that the relationship damaged it would cause with my eldest children wasn’t worth the risk.

I went forward with obtaining a non molestation order and an occupation order.

The relationship between me and my eldest daughters is on the deep decline. I have a number of health conditions and PTSD and anxiety.

The end of the relationship really has me to the point I’m pretty sure I’m on the way to a full breakdown. My husband was my carer so he managed a lot of the household chores. The second eldest stopped helping house wise as she was still receiving pocket money for doing nothing so you know why should she.
The eldest 20 and nearly 18 have done the absolute minimum to help me and I’ve become increasingly frustrated.
The eldest and my relationship was already in tatters with the triangulation with my husband her dad but non biological.

Then they will spend their time with him but won’t spend more than 5 minutes with me. I mean why would they want to be with a broken hearted, grief stricken woman who can’t even manage to sort out her own home.

He is in the other hand wonderful, expensive days out, expensive presents. Happy basically everything I am not.

We have a dog between us with separation anxiety and I’ve had to do the majority of the work with her which meant I couldn’t leave her even to go to the shop so I couldn’t go and do any indoor activities with the children etc
I asked for 3 weeks can he do he’s fair share which he kept saying he would but I couldn’t pin him down on anything all this is going through eldest children because of no contact, everything goes through them and they constantly take he’s side since you know, he’s the victim and I’m a terrible person.

On Friday I got a mutual fried to pass a message on that I was moving forward to have the dog fostered until he had somewhere to live to take her part time. That day he had visitation with the children and my daughter phoned me to say she was on the way gone to get the dog he was taking her. I had 10 minutes to say goodbye.

So the dogs gone kids are upset oldest children don’t think he’s done anything wrong here they never do. Eldest insists he can’t afford to have done something with her even though  he earns a lot of money a week. Then that weekend he takes them  on an even more expensive day out and I mention to eldest how does he afford so much extravagance with such little money. A row took place mainly due to my frustrations of the whole situation that she made it all about her. I was in a terrible way no care no empathy no nothing. I walked out in an absolute state because he is dissolving my relationship from inside out with the children and I have no idea how to get mind over matter while feeling so emotionally distressed. I am also aware I’m doing my part in that too because I can’t get control of my emotions.

My phone ran out of battery and the eldest thought I  had done something to myself and police got called.

Social worker done a visit yesterday and basically told me I should be more worried about my kids than upset over a dog. The dogs have been my only escape from all the crazy taking them  on walks etc I felt extremely hurt by that. If only it was just the dog situation though to contend with that would be easy.

I don’t feel she believes he’s doing what he’s doing and also she wanted to know how he can do such expensive things with the children and buying them expensive presents if he’s a gambler and was I sure he’s a gambler.
That why can’t I do expensive things to with them if I have disability  money. I feel that’s it’s not a game I want to get into parenting is not and should not be a competition I mean where would end and the children would surely end up more torn than they feel now.

I do have a list of things he’s been doing but she wouldn’t listen to me just wanted to talk to the children.

Everything he told me would happen if I split up with him is happening and I just don’t know how to keep my head above the water

Please please someone help me I can not bare to loose my children but also I know I’m not putting my best self forward while I’m in so much emotional pain. I have referred myself for more counselling   

[ForeverDad]

 
You sure need some hugs!  Life overall can be tough, many bumps along the way and you sure have more than your fair share.  I do try to post with tons of empathy but I'm also known for being a bit of a logical poster so I'm sure others will post here with even better responses.

Counseling is good, not just for you but also the children.  I noticed your post was a bit more frazzled than your prior posts so getting a referral to counseling was an excellent next step.  My lawyer told me early in my divorce case that "court loves counseling".  Counseling is good!

Recovery is a process, not an event.  You will get lots of encouragement here but the fact is that you will be stuck with the struggle to recover.  We here in peer support can encourage you but our words need backup, the resources a counselor in person can surely provide for you.  You can't relinquish your goal for your life to get better, that "light at the end of the dark tunnel".

Your pains in life may be situational.  By that I mean that your distress may be less internal caused than caused by external issues such as a poor marital relationship and lack of support from your children.  While it would be great if that could turn around, there's only so much in your power to change the externals.  You can't make your husband work side by side with you.  You can't force your children to be more supportive.  So... what can you do to improve your situation?

Accept that "it is what it is".  Then focus on improving what is in your power to change.  Misery over your situation is natural but it's not much help, right?  It stinks.  So if there's little that can be done to change your (separated?) spouse or your children which seem to be taking the easy route, then what's left is working on yourself.  A good first step is finding an experienced counselor.  (And it doesn't have to be the first counselor you meet.  It's okay to visit other counselors if the first doesn't fit your needs or have the experience with what you're dealing with.)

Admittedly, it's tough to "lift yourself up by your bootstraps" when you're in such distress.  The task is monumental.  But by taking small steps to make improvements, one after another, then over time you can gradually make surprising progress.  You won't notice life is getting better until you look back one day in the future and are amazed how much progress you've made.

You are NOT alone.  In your distress you naturally feel stuck in your problems.  Your spouse and the kids aren't supportive.  Understood.  Still, it's up to you to take charge of your life, to the extent possible considering your situation and limitations.  Start small and build on that.  We're here cheering you on toward recovery and a better life.

[B53]

H 40,

FD has given you some good advice. You have a lot on your plate and there isn’t a quick fix, baby steps. I am not dealing with all that you are, so I can imagine it has been a struggle to say the least. You are a strong person to have made it this far. It is an understatement to say, life isn’t fair. I know what it is like to be estranged from your children, it’s heartbreaking. Right now you need to take care of yourself. Like they say on a plane, you need to put your mask on first, before you start helping others ( I like metaphors).

My children are grown now, but when I first got divorced my son moved in with my ex, even though we had joint custody. At his house it was stay up late, pizza for dinner, it was a fun place. After months of barely seeing him, one day I heard the door slam. It was my son, he said, “I’m living with you, dad’s mean”. He still saw his dad, but lived with me after that. It wasn’t the fun place like his dad’s, but it was consistent and he knew what to expect. If your husband has BPD and you are no longer there for him to lash out at, most likely, it will probably only be a matter of time before your children start to see the big picture. It is important to focus on taking care of you, so when the time comes, you can be there for them. The sooner you can remove yourself from the conflict with them and your husband, the easier it will be for them to see the big picture. Don’t let yourself be the distraction. There is a saying, give someone enough rope, they will hang themself.

You are not alone, you have a whole forum of people here to support you. People who really understand.

B53